Motivation? Or Torture?

I've been already very paranoid over my results and I sleep in fear of my "O" levels. Though tad exaggerated as it sounds, it's daunting on me constantly how I can't make it to JC with such pathetic results and I've been on mug-fest these days. The scary thing is that, while I always memorize my stuffs through the night, they end up being forgotten the next day. I still haven't really got over my mid-year results, it's killing me. Everyone asking, everyone scrutinizing, everyone commenting. Sometimes, I know they mean well, but nobody understands improvement. "D7 only ah?!", "but it used to be F9. And look, I've jumped 3-4 grades.", "but you still failed!" Whatever. It's driving me crazy how I'm unable to make it to JC. And everyday, I am reminded with that unsatiable strong desire in the heart - "I must make it to ACJC, come what may."

Some may say it's an extremely strong motivation because through this holidays, I've been studying a lot. Morning in school, study. Back home after 8pm, study again. But it feels like I'm not improving and it's killing me. Though it's drawing me to my fantasy of being a good student, someone that excels, it never fails to let me know how much of a failure I perpetually am. I don't know, but I'm constantly feeling very scared. The motivation seems to be so positive, yet in the same light, causing intense fear in me, the fear of being unable to make it. I'm so desperate to do well, it's making my head feel so heavy I feel so tired all the time and I don't know why. Everything seems to be over-amplified now. Why is it that since I've started studying, everything seems to be so scary? I always though I wasn't temperamental, but now, even a little strict reminder and nagging from my father makes me mutter swear words under my breath and evoke such intense angst in me? Why is it that with my aunt just reminding me on my results, I feel like I was going to explode? I don't know what is happening. I'm just so scared of everything, very terrified. I just want to do well so badly, I don't want to fail anymore. I want to be a student that scores - I just want to live up to expectations, fulfil my dreams, fulfil someone's dream and just be of some bloody worth. Why is it so difficult? I don't know but I'm developing such urge to bang my head all the time. I feel stupid, worthless and like an utter failure.

I do not care anymore, all I know is that for this holiday, I want to do nothing but study and prepare for the DSA on my saxophone. I must have my standard match ACJC band and I must have my studies proven worthy of a JC student. Miss Aljunied can say I'm too idealistic, my dad can discourage me against JC, people can say I'm too hopeless for JC - I don't care, I really don't. But at the same time, it always reminds me on my nagging fears and doubts that haunts me all the time. I'm going mad.

And the scariest thing of all is that amongst all these, I turn around - there is nobody. I'm alone. I realize my past has really returned. I am lonely, again. I log on to MSN, I look at my list. I realized...... actually, I don't really have any friends. I look at my contact list once again, I don't actually belong among any of these people. I look at my blog, no one actually looks - my tagboard is desolate and empty as ever. I hop blogs, I get reminded on how outcasted I actually am, that I'm actually alone. I question people who actually say, "I love myself." How can that ever be true? Then I realize once again my worthlessness and my multitudes of flaws. And then the nagging reminder of my fatness and ugliness returns while I turn to binging to forget everything. I return to studying and realize, I have no friends.

I'm terrified, stricken with fear. I wonder once again my meaning of existence. And again, I feel an overwhelming intense angst as my aunt said, "go bathe and change! Still using the internet......" What am I even angry for!? I'm an idiot!

ARGH! I'm going mad!

Home

Amongst the sparse undergrowth,
I hid in escapade.
I don't know what is home,
nor would I ever want one.

Rain or shine, I don't ever want to stay here.

Yio Chu Kang MRT Station

As I walked home,
the overhead bridge remained the same.
The traffic lights flashed as they do everyday
but one thing for sure,
tomorrow will be a different day.

The "tomorrows," however, are very limited.
I have to learn to love like tomorrow never comes.
Both my grandma,

and myself.

With My Heart, I See

Let the videos speak for themselves.

It's the World I Know

My sister left for China today. Good riddance. That was mean. But anyway, I always didn't like her for this and that - it's ironic with siblings. Staying with a sibling is...kind of a love-hate relationship I guess. They can be one of those people you abhor most but at the same time love dearly. She cried before entering the immigration, she said she would miss the family so much. As much as I feel like saying "whatever" and roll my eyes, I actually felt touched - though I hate to admit it.

I never really liked my sister for her attitude, personality and such. I didn't like her attention-seeking, I didn't like her rudeness, I sometimes find her stupid and such. But there is one very powerful thing about her I admire - her love and desire for her family, and it's togetherness regardless of what happens. Many a times, I've always haboured desire to leave the family or didn't bother even if it breaks up but to my sister, regardless of what happens, she whole-heartedly just wants a complete family. Through the many problems my family faced, I realized that my sister is actually the bonding catalyst in the family. This is another of the greatest qualities I've ever discovered in man and spoke about in many of my posts - unconditionality.

She really taught me indirectly what being a family is a about, loving each other no matter what happens. What most people find most difficult in the world is yet the most basic trait of this 10 years old girl. She doesn't blame anyone for anything, she just wishes to live in a complete family and many times, it's that vulnerability that makes us reconsider what we're doing. She is one of the reasons my family still exists quite intact today, even though another sibling can't still quite let go of the past. Nevertheless, it only lets us realize how much selfish man can be as life robs him of his innocence. The most powerful qualities sometimes are the most basic ones. Yet these basic ones are that of which adults neglect most of the time. The cares of life and weight of pride usually forces us to ignore these virtues. Let's start slowing down our pace and look at the world through the eyes of children, can we?

There is this song, extremely inspiring, written by Collective Souls. It's entitled, "The World I Know."

Has our conscience shown?
Has the sweet breeze blown?
Has all the kindness gone?
Hope still lingers on.
I drink myself of newfound pity
Sitting alone in New York City
And I don't know why.

Are we listening?
Hymns of offering.
Have we eyes to see?
Love is gathering.
All the words that I've been reading
Have now started the act of bleeding
Into one.

So I walk up on high
And I step to the edge
To see my world below.
And I laugh at myself
While the tears roll down.
'Cause it's the world I know.
It's the world I know.

The lyrics, in the very simple essence of itself is the summary of the world today. Are we listening? Have we eyes to see? Hope still lingers on, and that's what people are searching for in vain as selfishness and politics corrode the society. I dreamt of a century, but everyone dies if this stupidity goes on. I amuse myself to see my world below.

Everything pulls away, and we fall with thousand pound weights. Falling into my wonderland, little houses and big dreams. I step to the edge to see my world below and laugh at myself while tears roll down - because it's the world I know.

Our Deepest Fears

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond
measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most
frightens us.

We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous,
talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child of God.

Your playing small does not serve the world. There is
nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people
won't feel insecure about you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to manifest

the glory of God that is within us.

It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give
other people permission to do the same. As we are
liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically
liberates others.

The true strength of a person is most outstanding in his weakest moments.

Unconditionality and Unworthiness

I was so confident of my mid-year exams this time round. I studied through the nights and utilized whatever I'm learnt to full effort. People supported me, gave me purpose and responsibility - I had to do well.

I thought I could do well this time, I thought I might not be that stupid after all. But alas, I was wrong. Even english, I'm utterly disappointed with myself. But I knew that this time, I must not let history repeat, I shouldn't be a burden and nuisance to others. Back in the backstage changing room after everyone left......

Firstly, in my mind, I thought of my grandmother. I went through the whole exam period together with her and she's been encouraging me to study. The whole stay enriched my relationship with her profoundly and deeply. Everyday, I told myself - "maybe neither the world nor you believes in yourself, but your grandma believes you can. That only means you're not hopeless, do well for her." She's one of the reasons I need to do well and prove to the others whom looked down upon me and my family. Most of all, she doesn't have much time left.

Secondly, I thought about my parents and my aunt. They've sacrificed far too much for me and I've been so much of an ingrate. I only want to make them feel proud of me for once in my life. My dad, even though a taxi driver, pays more than $400 a month just for my math and sciences tuition - wakes up at 4:30am everyday and drives for more than half the whole day just to support the family. And because of my "O" levels, I've been an expensive child to both my dad and mom. Of which the latter works hard everyday as a masseur, exerting so much strength everytime at every patient's ache-plagued body. Whilst relieving others of physical pain, she's developed much pain in her body and suffers them herself. Yet she still goes to work everyday, because the family needs money. And yet - my sciences and math are not at all up to standard. It makes me feel horrible and guilty and useless. It makes me feel like even though I'm extremely undeserving of everything they've given me, they never stop giving me. The thought of it makes me feel not only utterly unfilial but unforgivable as well. I don't know how to break the news to them, I really don't. What am I to do?

Also, my aunt has sacrificed a lot for my family. Not only carrying the burden of my grandmother and struggling to stay strong in spite of being unable to deal with my grandmother's illness, she has to think about my academics as well and is constantly there to help me. Sometimes, when I see her face - though still cheerful, is so tired and weary. So worn out. I feel not only helpless, but very undeserving as well. She's very tired and vulnerable, but she has to constantly stay strong, keep working and support everyone. All these people and their unconditionality - what greater love can there be?

I wanted to do well so badly. I studied and really went out for it. But everything just fell flat in the short time of 2 days. The guilt feels so painful it's getting excrutiating. All I want, is just an all-out pass in everything at least. And also an A1 in my english, because I cannot to have many points in lieu of the amount of points my other subjects are. The criteria for DSA is at least 20 points and below. Because I've did so badly for everything, I cannot afford to get a B, let alone a C for my english. Yet with all the trying effort I've expended into my english - the resolution to no longer allow myself breakdown because of not doing well, to soar like how I always want to because it's my only forte left after being unable to do literature - I achieved barely a B with 59, C5. How much more pathetic can I ever be!?

All these people and my inability has once again led me to question, how much am I truly worthed? I feel utterly like the worst set of atoms on the face of earth. I hate Sae.



Wingless, and unable to fly.

Strength in Weakness

She's lost weight again, regrettably. I guess as time goes by, her body will start rejecting food more and more and I'm always trying my best to get the best food for her regardless of the distance or difficulty, just so it might be easier for her to eat. Colon cancer - what a good way to lose weight. Isn't that what I'm obsessed about along, morbidly?

Yet however difficult or uncomfortable it is for her to eat, she's making an effort to eat - because she knows she needs too. Even when her body's working against her, she's adamant on living and loving her grandchildren. Maybe she eats little, but at least she tries to eat because she knows she has to take medication. Even at such old age, she is as fiesty and responsible as she always is. Though it means that she wouldn't show her pain and cling on to her pride - expressing her uncomfort only through temperamentalism. She's so strong, I don't even know when is she in pain and when she isn't. And it's not often you can see someone, especially a woman, embrace the notion of death so readily. She knows she's dying, but she isn't scared - that, is my grandmother.

In case many of you are wondering over my blog address, flyinwingless. I chose the name simply because even though I might not have the wings, I can fly(okay, I can imagine you in your mind going - O.o?). I feel like a bird. Birds are universally known creatures who can fly at will - this, everyone knows, even babies. And there was once Jasen spoke to us, the band committee about actually not doing our best using the metaphor of wings. He said in these exact words, "you all have the wings, but you just choose not to fly." And that inspired me deep. So I thought about myself, my life, my studies and all. I realize that I don't really possess much aptitude or any significant qualities. I want to fly, but I don't have the wings. Just like my grandmother, her wings are wounded, but she still wants to fly. Therefore, I believe that I can fly, with or without wings. As long as I desire to fly, and work towards it, I can still fly because I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me :] And that, however hopeless I may be, without wings and all, I still can fly - just like a bird. Therefore, flying wingless. This is just the idea behind it, I'll dedicate a more elaborate post next time. Right now, my grandmother is just like my blog's name, flying without wings.

And I'm constantly contemplating, how am I going to fight on in her later stages. Right now, even when she doesn't show her pain, I'm feeling it myself. The stronger she seems, the more painful I feel. I don't know how much I can handle. All I know is that I've already proclaimed that I shall not ask for lighter burdens, only stronger shoulders to carry this burdens. So come what may, I'll keep believing and fighting. Because ultimately, I know that even when my grandma is weak, she wants to see me strong. And I already presented in english class about death being not an end, but a beginning of an eternal legacy that is going to exist in the hearts of people she impacted significantly. It's emotionally-draining, but it's making me emotionally stronger as well.















A person is strongest when he is in his weakest.
What doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger.

How Ludicrous

I could actually complete my physics! :D

I never ever thought I could do science. Chemistry and physics. Yet... for this examination, I felt this quiet confidence I've never felt before in doing science - I was hopeful. And that is almost ethereal, that I no longer felt such hopeless a person. I guess this examinations proved that I actually can study if I really want to. It was just about practicing and learning to like the subject. I never thought I'd like any of these subjects. Strangely, I'm rather obsessed with them now. Could there be anything more miraculous than this? Well, at least I thought I can survive with this examination - all my subjects except for principles of accounts, of which I totally have no idea of how to get about doing it.

I guess my class is going start having a mockfest about my failure and incompetency as I sink my head, glancing the floor once again and Mr Goh is probably going to be mad at me and himself as well - which evokes a guilt so unbearable I might even call excruciating. Talk about ludicrousity. Because Sae Seah Chun Heng, number 27 of class secondary 4 express, is the only person in the principles of accounts class to fail the subject! Start gawking all you want(*buries my head into the ground.*)

Been moody these days. I guess males suffer from PMS as well :/

Someone please help stop these mood swings.

Loss

It's been some time. Someone whom I cherish dearly seems to be drifting apart further and further from me. I don't know, it's so different now. Like, when we speak, it's becoming more and more distant. Because I was afraid you'd find me irritating, I became more and more mindful of my speech and actions, just so you wouldn't hate me one day. But because of that, it seems like we're just, no longer friends. You seem to just, treat me like a person whom you see on a daily basis. Like someone whom just happens to be in your class - just someone. I don't know, all I know is, throughout the whole period, I felt lost. Like, I've just lost someone extremely precious. Someone whom I'm reliant on for security. You're one of my only few friends, please don't tell me you hate me. I don't know, but I think you hate me now. I guess maybe I'm just a really fat, disgusting and ugly person that you'd rather not know. Yeah, maybe I'm just truly unworthy. You don't deserve to have such worthless person appear in your life. Sorry if I've been a pain in the ass, I should've just left you alone. I don't deserve anybody's support after all.

And, I miss band as well.

I need...

Rhinoplasty, blapheroplasty and liposuction :D

Exams - maybe not such a bad thing after all

I was in one of those random moods of contemplation and reflection today after exam whilst jogging in the stadium today. And I was thinking about my exams, and everything that came along with it. Yesterday night, as well as this morning during the papers - I felt so unhappy doing my exams, especially my principles of accounts, simply because it was so difficult I felt like crying. Dang, that was unmanly. But nevertheless, I felt like throwing the towel and getting on with it. I couldn't understand what I was working so hard for that made me feel so tensed up everyday - was it worthed it?

Studying has never been my forte, and I'm not proud of it. Deep inside, I've always got desires and fantasies. In my day dreams, I would be imagining myself in the best classes, doing the best work and being the smartest in class. That I wouldn't feel stupid and insecure or ugly like how I always feel. Speaking of which, the terrifying feeling of insecurity is creeping up and haunting me all over again, I think I'm becoming fatter day by day and I might go crazy one day. I feel like wearing a jacket to cover it all up and feel safer but alas, the school is such restrictive ground. Back to topic - the reason I'm actually able to scrape through to upper secondary in express stream is probably due to english, literature, art and humanities. And so, I began to keep asking myself, what am I fighting so hard for? Why are you running alongside those people? Don't you know how stupid you are?

That is when I realized, this exam isn't just a random two weeks of personal evaluation on the academics - but a process of self discovery.

These 2 weeks are valuable I tell you. Not only did I managed to study with much more focus, I discovered things that became totally significant to me, when they weren't in the past. For this exam, I've moved to my grandmother's place and this has caused me to spent much significant time with my grandmother. Like I've said in my earlier posts, every second no longer feels wasted simply because I get to appreciate that totally gorgeous lady for as long as she lives. She like a lotus, ever beautiful and graceful, yet you never know when it withers. And because of this exam, I'm able to spend much more time with my grandma and forge deeper bonds within us. Sometimes, love is more than words or actions. It's just about being together, simple yet significant. And that you realize that the deepest sophistication is in the simplest things after all. Being sophisticated isn't about being complicated, it's about understanding and seeing through the exterior. I don't need to bring my grandmother to the ends of the earth or show her the seven wonders of the world to have her understand my love or create stronger bonds. The happiness of love isn't by the lavishness of it, but by the simplicity of being able to enjoy it - to me, that is of deeper sophistication than the most complex theories of Einstein. Just to sit juxtapose to her, no need for words or hugs, and enjoy her whilst she's alive. I think it's one of the happiest moments I've felt in the whole of my life. Because the value of everything seems so amplified when they become limited, isn't it?

And also, because of exams, I've discovered the power and encouragement of friendship. Back then, when I was still struggling with loneliness - everything was bleak. There weren't meaning. Through this exam, I've got to know Kim a lot deeper. How she feels and who she really is. She keeps me going and studying no longer seem to be so much a chore when we're be sms-ing while studying at the same time. I no longer felt like I was alone. It could be a simple message, but again, the most sophisticated friendship is expressed by the simplicity of the words. If you truly know someone well, you understand what he or she is trying to say even with the most terse and simple answers that others might ask for elaboration. I think that's what friendship is all about, being able to understand each other without needing to verbalize it. The simplicity of the friendship, and the simplicity of our feelings. That's what's valuable.

I remember how I used to speak to her in secondary 2 when she's just transferred over from the Philipines. It felt different, like I was just speaking to another person. Slowly, as she became less awkward amongst us, and made more friends. She started shedding off her masks and show the world more and more different colours of her personality. And as we transited into the upper secondary, through Jeanette and friends, I've got to know her much better and those colours added more colour into my life. Thank you Kim, you gave me colours! Through watching American Idol and simple habits like sms, we've became close friends in less than two weeks! How can we ever deny that God is great? I think He uncovers the most unexpected beauties in the ugliest moments. Like a diamond, you only realize it's beauty when you polish that insignificant piece of carbon. And that's how God works, He puts you in the most difficult situation and have you tried and tested. You lament about how unfair it might be but humans always tend to neglect the beautiful things they've uncovered. You only realize how strong you've grown and how things are valuable after the ordeal is over. Therefore, I'm thankful for the exam - through it, I've found the most beautiful things money can't buy.

And honestly, there are so much more beautiful things I can talk about for the rest of my life in this blog. Like how thankful I am for my friends, how grateful I am for them lifting of me out of loneliness, how lovely my family really is compared to how I use to feel about them and so on, so forth. Yes, this post might be long and tiresome to read, but I don't really care either. Because I only want to retain these beautiful memories while I still can - I don't want to wait until I'm left with nothing before I lament about all these times I did not appreciate.

I thank you for reading this as well, and that I want to tell you, regardless of who you are, I love you. I love you simply because you exist and because you add colour to the world. I love you because you show me how beautiful God's creation can be. I love you even though I might not know you because you've given me a chance to add more colour into my life by starting to know you.

I might be over-using the three words, I don't care. All I know is that I'm sincere in what I say and I want to tell my loved ones again, I love you.

In conclusion : I love exams(laughs at the paradoxes of life, haha).

P/S : Kim, here's the post in dedication to you! And I love you, sister!

Hopelessness

I've spent like and hour and a half "studying" principle of accounts, copying everything from the "O" level guide books and stuff. And you know what, I don't know what was I even doing. Talking about stupidity. It seemed all like a pure waste of time and that I've learnt nothing. I am officially deemed hopeless.

Now I'm just shifting all my attention to biology. Since I might not be able to survive my accounts, I might as well pay more attention to my sciences - they stand much higher chance of passing. In fact, ironically, I'm actually shifting all my attention to the math and sciences. Never expected such a day to come. So for L1R5, I'm probably going for english, chinese, math, science, biology and humanities. I'm walking on thin line, I know. Either I make it or I kill myself. Therefore for June's intensive coaching, I'm going to be giving my all - or so I think :3

Sigh, is there anybody in this world dumber than Sae? God, I'm probably the worst student GYSS ever had in their history of students taking principles of accounts. I should die or something, ARGGGGHH.

oh happy day

Hey, you know what? Today is officially the happiest day I ever had in the month of May! Yes, I said I am so happy!(dawg, it sounds pretty primary school but you can replace it with ecstatic if you want). Anyway, it was supposed to be an early Mother's Day celebration with dearest Mdm Toh Ah Eng, a.k.a, my gorgeous grandmother. Yes, you heard right, the most beloved matriach in the whole family who single-handedly brought up 8 successful children since the death of her husband when my youngest uncle was at the tender age of 5.

Through today, I've got to know my cousins much better. And you know, we had one of these rare moments where we could actually sit down and just chat the night away with no worries whatsoever. And through that we've felt like real cousins, not just people with the same surnames but real cousins. Got to know Benedict - great, great dude I tell you. So fly I'm high. Though his 21, he's in the same wavelengths(lambda, ftw :/) as Zoe, Clare and I(whom my family calls by my chinese name Chun Heng, they don't like my Thai name - Sae. Again, :/). It felt so meow, I flew! And he taught me to own that spider web thing you find in the playground. And he sings as well - and it's probably one of those rare people who might be deaf(no offense) that says I can sing(o.o).

Before this, we would only see each other during chinese new year celebrations and we'd feel like absolute strangers. Yeah, regrettably, we don't even say "hi." Now it's like, "we're-crankin'-y'all!" Okay, I do not understand my sudden ghetto-ness as well, but anyway - I'm happy!(I guess that's all I can say x3)

I thank dearest Father in heaven once again for blessing me with such wonderful family! Yeah, maybe I feel horrible sometimes, and at times I felt hurt and offended but nevertheless, I cannot deny the unity so unlackadaisical in this family in comparison to many others out there. It one of those moments that make me feel proud that my surname is "Seah." Holey Moley, I'm anticipating next friday. Not just because my exams would be over and I would go on a expenditure bombardment. But because I'm meeting these people again! Hallelufly :3

In conclusion, like any other "episodes." I need to emphasize,
to all loved ones - I love you :]

Hold ctrl and press "+" if you can't see the words

Ohaiyo, mina-san!

Ah! Refreshed and just woke up, and I being a pig again by waking up at 10am :/
Anyway, yesterday was a random day, after a good night's sleep, it's time to get kicking with life again!

Again, I repeat, hold ctrl and press "+" if you can't see the words. I'm terribly sorry for how small the words are, but it's for personal aesthetic likings x3
yes, I'm lame and stupid.

But anyway, happy morning!
To all the loved ones, I love you :3

Loss, Dilema.

It sounds stupid to have 3 consecutive posts in one day. But I'm getting addicted. Or rather, I just need an outlet. Sorry for sounding so solemn today, it's just been a heavy day for me.

Had been talking for some time with my aunt, felt like crying but held back my tears, because I know shedding any won't do any good or solve anything. It's been some time since my mom had went to work and my dad has been emotionally unstable. I was sharing about how I felt much more at home with my grandma in her house compared to a home that looks like a junkyard. I realized I do feel pressured up bottling up so many things in my heart for so long. But I know I need to move on and not lament about all these. Probably no one in this world knows my background, it's crazy and I'm not proud of it. Neither is my past, nor the things I've done - they are not things I'm proud of.

Furthermore, I'm staying with my grandma because I really want to stay with her, for as long as I can - I don't have much time left. For now, it's okay because she hasn't felt the cancer kick in yet, and life feels like normal. Everyday, I get increasingly attached to her, so old, yet adorable and lively - and selfless. I'm afraid it would be eventually very difficult for me to fight alongside with her when she's in her later stages. Honestly, my grandma is the strongest person on earth. And I never felt so happy simply looking at a person, just because she exists. I think a second lived and a second cherished is totally two different thing. When each second is cherished, it is worth much more than hours of other issues you might be going through. And I need to always remind myself not to waste my time, because every minute of sadness is a 60 seconds of happiness wasted, in which could be used much more effectively.

And ever since my mother went to work, I feel like I've lost her. I feel totally like an ingrate for saying that, because ultimately my mother's love for me never faltered, and she honestly loves me. It's just that, the way she's changed, the way she's living her life... the job she's doing and all. The time she comes home is when I'm sleeping, the time I leave home is when she's sleeping. She feels like, a stranger now. And I totally hate myself for feeling so, because she loves me, but the love I always felt for her, I don't know where is it. But I miss my mother, I really do. I just, do not know how to react. And because of these, sometimes I get emotionally overwhelmed, and it makes me temperamental and I say things that hurt people, especially my sister whom has to put up with me for so long and get injured so much. I feel like a horrible person, someone whose responsible to be both a brother and parent, yet someone who has tried to cut off ties with the family.

And my father, though I do feel hurt sometimes by him - and that our relationship is almost like strangers, I truly empathize with him. And at times, I really, really hate him! But yet, I understand that his facing tremendous amount of stress and pressure and his a really good and responsible father. His just a man, burdened upon the world, yet sincerely in his heart just wish for the good of his family. I feel like being a good son, but many times, I find it hard to neglect certain things he do that hurt me and my mom. I'm torn in a dilemma between my father and my mother and I feel totally helpless. Yet I know that I am already 16 and I'm supposed to move on and live my own life because after all, I'm responsible for my own life now and though totally irresponsible, I've in a way, walked out of my family already. I just feel haunted sometimes, to imagine what my sister is going through. The kind of person she's becoming and the attitude she's developing, I find it hard to communicate with her.

I'm terribly sorry for this totally random rant, as I said, I just needed an outlet.
And I must understand that no amount of ranting can help with anything. I've the power to make decisions on my own life and I have the ability to change things. I have to take control, even though it's increasing hard to live life and shoulder more burdens, but all humans share their own share of problems too, even if you don't move on, the world moves on. And I do not have any time to waste and not move on. So therefore, once again, I'll soldier on - though things are tough, the memory of my loved ones toughens my mind.

I do not ask for lighter burdens, I just ask for stronger shoulders.

I love you, my loved ones, your existences in my life suffices all I ever need.
My friends, my grandmother, my Father up there - thank you.

R.I.P, Miss Tay

And also,

Dearest Miss Tay,
Though the times I've spent with you were few
and for only a year I could remember you.
I was a child and you were my teacher,
we were a nuisance but you were so patient.
You taught us our school song,
you voice resound in tingles.
Though your time here is short,
but your legacy lives long.
What's material dies one day,
but the immaterial memories you left behind never dies.
I may not know you well,
and I may not have too many memories with you,
but all I can ever remember is your night tingale voice
and your ever demure demeanour.

Rest In Peace, Dearest Miss Tay,
for nothing can ever rob me of the times we've spent,
for the whole of secondary one I've lived.
It is eternally a memory, that
neither death, nor time can steal.

See you one day, where we can spend eternally happy days.
Thank you for being a teacher,
thank you for existing,
thank you for being a creation of God.

Yet again, I silently feel happy that you've gone to a better place,
where pain and sadness exists no more.

See you soon.

Surprise, Surprise

You know what? I'm elated!

Never in my whole life have I expected myself to be able to like, do chemistry! Other than principles of accounts, chemistry is my worst subject! And just when I thought about my hopelessness and stupidity, I actually could do the questions in the paper!

No guaranteed passes, or ace. But I know it truly is a personal breakthrough! And not only chemistry could be done, english was of a standard I can cope with as well! Probably because it was of a topic I could very much relate to? I don't know. But I'm starting to feel like, studying, DOES pay off and it inspires and motivates me to study harder.

But alas, always the habitual procrastinator, I'm afraid that malignant habit would start haunting me again, clinging on to me like a parasite. Next up, biology and principle of accounts. Now, principle of accounts is to everyone's knowledge, what I'm terribly and regrettably infamous for. I'm the black sheep who caused the class mean to drop, the stupid retard that failed even under the guidance of the very good mentor, Mr Samuel Goh. I don't know if I can do it, I bought "O" level notes and stuff, but I can understand nothing. Once again, I feel utterly moronic and I think I belong to a special school instead. Nevertheless, I would want to try again, and be hopeful I can do the paper.

I prayed hard during cell group meeting, in my prayer questioning again and again if it ever is possible for me to experience a miracle in principles of accounts. Honestly, even though I know it's very bleak and hopeless but if God could revive chemistry for me, why can't He do the same for accounts as well? At the same time, I truly hope to manage AT LEAST a pass for all my subjects in this mid-year exam. Because I've spent truly gargantuan effort and though I won't be surprise of failures, I know at least I've done my best and these few months to "O" levels, I must not disappoint anyone no longer.

My grandmother has only this amount of time to live, my future is fragile but hopeful, Miss Aljunied has cared and sacrificed tremendously for me, my father has always been agitated because of my stupid actions and my mother had shed countless tears for me. If I do not do my best, I think I'm being very selfish and unfair, not just to these people and to God, but to myself as well.

Honestly, this post could be simply the manifestation of a sudden burst of motivation, nevertheless, I really pray hard that this can last and that I will do better and harder. I'm so surprised I could do my chemistry. I am not sure about the fate of this paper, but I'm hopeful. And it's that hope that keeps me going. Thanks Jeanette and Kim for constantly encouraging me and fighting alongside with me throughout this whole arduous journey. But I know that however tough this may be, I'm tougher, because I've got Jesus.

Sorry for sounding a little religious, but it's allowing me to fight on hard. I do not know how long can this optimism last, but I honestly hope to do well and even if I fail, I'm glad to know I've done my best. Maybe I might break down like I did last year, or maybe I might cry, with joy, for a change. I don't know. But I sure wish the latter would happen - though hope is frail, it's hard to kill.

And again, to all my loved ones, I love you.

Epic Failure

I am so, so, so prepared to fail chemistry.
Like, FAIL BADLY.

Spent the whole night "studying" and "practicing" chemistry and the TYS.
Spent 3 hours doing things that I did not know what I was doing. Feel totally dumb and worthless as I always am. Ahhhhhh! How I wish I could turn back time and start all over from secondary 3. I hate myself.

Been trying so hard to catch up, I hope they test on stuffs like acids, bases and salts and mole concept. Argh, I don't hate chemistry, it is not the subject's problem, it's my fault and problem for being stupid and not paying attention all the time(or rather, I couldn't understand anything, that's why I couldn't pay attention).

I should die.
besides, ACJC, how?

I AM SO FREAKING STUPID I SHOULD DIE!