Unconditionality and Unworthiness
I was so confident of my mid-year exams this time round. I studied through the nights and utilized whatever I'm learnt to full effort. People supported me, gave me purpose and responsibility - I had to do well.
I thought I could do well this time, I thought I might not be that stupid after all. But alas, I was wrong. Even english, I'm utterly disappointed with myself. But I knew that this time, I must not let history repeat, I shouldn't be a burden and nuisance to others. Back in the backstage changing room after everyone left......
Firstly, in my mind, I thought of my grandmother. I went through the whole exam period together with her and she's been encouraging me to study. The whole stay enriched my relationship with her profoundly and deeply. Everyday, I told myself - "maybe neither the world nor you believes in yourself, but your grandma believes you can. That only means you're not hopeless, do well for her." She's one of the reasons I need to do well and prove to the others whom looked down upon me and my family. Most of all, she doesn't have much time left.
Secondly, I thought about my parents and my aunt. They've sacrificed far too much for me and I've been so much of an ingrate. I only want to make them feel proud of me for once in my life. My dad, even though a taxi driver, pays more than $400 a month just for my math and sciences tuition - wakes up at 4:30am everyday and drives for more than half the whole day just to support the family. And because of my "O" levels, I've been an expensive child to both my dad and mom. Of which the latter works hard everyday as a masseur, exerting so much strength everytime at every patient's ache-plagued body. Whilst relieving others of physical pain, she's developed much pain in her body and suffers them herself. Yet she still goes to work everyday, because the family needs money. And yet - my sciences and math are not at all up to standard. It makes me feel horrible and guilty and useless. It makes me feel like even though I'm extremely undeserving of everything they've given me, they never stop giving me. The thought of it makes me feel not only utterly unfilial but unforgivable as well. I don't know how to break the news to them, I really don't. What am I to do?
Also, my aunt has sacrificed a lot for my family. Not only carrying the burden of my grandmother and struggling to stay strong in spite of being unable to deal with my grandmother's illness, she has to think about my academics as well and is constantly there to help me. Sometimes, when I see her face - though still cheerful, is so tired and weary. So worn out. I feel not only helpless, but very undeserving as well. She's very tired and vulnerable, but she has to constantly stay strong, keep working and support everyone. All these people and their unconditionality - what greater love can there be?
I wanted to do well so badly. I studied and really went out for it. But everything just fell flat in the short time of 2 days. The guilt feels so painful it's getting excrutiating. All I want, is just an all-out pass in everything at least. And also an A1 in my english, because I cannot to have many points in lieu of the amount of points my other subjects are. The criteria for DSA is at least 20 points and below. Because I've did so badly for everything, I cannot afford to get a B, let alone a C for my english. Yet with all the trying effort I've expended into my english - the resolution to no longer allow myself breakdown because of not doing well, to soar like how I always want to because it's my only forte left after being unable to do literature - I achieved barely a B with 59, C5. How much more pathetic can I ever be!?
All these people and my inability has once again led me to question, how much am I truly worthed? I feel utterly like the worst set of atoms on the face of earth. I hate Sae.
Wingless, and unable to fly.
I thought I could do well this time, I thought I might not be that stupid after all. But alas, I was wrong. Even english, I'm utterly disappointed with myself. But I knew that this time, I must not let history repeat, I shouldn't be a burden and nuisance to others. Back in the backstage changing room after everyone left......
Firstly, in my mind, I thought of my grandmother. I went through the whole exam period together with her and she's been encouraging me to study. The whole stay enriched my relationship with her profoundly and deeply. Everyday, I told myself - "maybe neither the world nor you believes in yourself, but your grandma believes you can. That only means you're not hopeless, do well for her." She's one of the reasons I need to do well and prove to the others whom looked down upon me and my family. Most of all, she doesn't have much time left.
Secondly, I thought about my parents and my aunt. They've sacrificed far too much for me and I've been so much of an ingrate. I only want to make them feel proud of me for once in my life. My dad, even though a taxi driver, pays more than $400 a month just for my math and sciences tuition - wakes up at 4:30am everyday and drives for more than half the whole day just to support the family. And because of my "O" levels, I've been an expensive child to both my dad and mom. Of which the latter works hard everyday as a masseur, exerting so much strength everytime at every patient's ache-plagued body. Whilst relieving others of physical pain, she's developed much pain in her body and suffers them herself. Yet she still goes to work everyday, because the family needs money. And yet - my sciences and math are not at all up to standard. It makes me feel horrible and guilty and useless. It makes me feel like even though I'm extremely undeserving of everything they've given me, they never stop giving me. The thought of it makes me feel not only utterly unfilial but unforgivable as well. I don't know how to break the news to them, I really don't. What am I to do?
Also, my aunt has sacrificed a lot for my family. Not only carrying the burden of my grandmother and struggling to stay strong in spite of being unable to deal with my grandmother's illness, she has to think about my academics as well and is constantly there to help me. Sometimes, when I see her face - though still cheerful, is so tired and weary. So worn out. I feel not only helpless, but very undeserving as well. She's very tired and vulnerable, but she has to constantly stay strong, keep working and support everyone. All these people and their unconditionality - what greater love can there be?
I wanted to do well so badly. I studied and really went out for it. But everything just fell flat in the short time of 2 days. The guilt feels so painful it's getting excrutiating. All I want, is just an all-out pass in everything at least. And also an A1 in my english, because I cannot to have many points in lieu of the amount of points my other subjects are. The criteria for DSA is at least 20 points and below. Because I've did so badly for everything, I cannot afford to get a B, let alone a C for my english. Yet with all the trying effort I've expended into my english - the resolution to no longer allow myself breakdown because of not doing well, to soar like how I always want to because it's my only forte left after being unable to do literature - I achieved barely a B with 59, C5. How much more pathetic can I ever be!?
All these people and my inability has once again led me to question, how much am I truly worthed? I feel utterly like the worst set of atoms on the face of earth. I hate Sae.
Wingless, and unable to fly.
posted by Jean-Baptiste at
7:00 AM
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