Loss, Dilema.
It sounds stupid to have 3 consecutive posts in one day. But I'm getting addicted. Or rather, I just need an outlet. Sorry for sounding so solemn today, it's just been a heavy day for me.
Had been talking for some time with my aunt, felt like crying but held back my tears, because I know shedding any won't do any good or solve anything. It's been some time since my mom had went to work and my dad has been emotionally unstable. I was sharing about how I felt much more at home with my grandma in her house compared to a home that looks like a junkyard. I realized I do feel pressured up bottling up so many things in my heart for so long. But I know I need to move on and not lament about all these. Probably no one in this world knows my background, it's crazy and I'm not proud of it. Neither is my past, nor the things I've done - they are not things I'm proud of.
Furthermore, I'm staying with my grandma because I really want to stay with her, for as long as I can - I don't have much time left. For now, it's okay because she hasn't felt the cancer kick in yet, and life feels like normal. Everyday, I get increasingly attached to her, so old, yet adorable and lively - and selfless. I'm afraid it would be eventually very difficult for me to fight alongside with her when she's in her later stages. Honestly, my grandma is the strongest person on earth. And I never felt so happy simply looking at a person, just because she exists. I think a second lived and a second cherished is totally two different thing. When each second is cherished, it is worth much more than hours of other issues you might be going through. And I need to always remind myself not to waste my time, because every minute of sadness is a 60 seconds of happiness wasted, in which could be used much more effectively.
And ever since my mother went to work, I feel like I've lost her. I feel totally like an ingrate for saying that, because ultimately my mother's love for me never faltered, and she honestly loves me. It's just that, the way she's changed, the way she's living her life... the job she's doing and all. The time she comes home is when I'm sleeping, the time I leave home is when she's sleeping. She feels like, a stranger now. And I totally hate myself for feeling so, because she loves me, but the love I always felt for her, I don't know where is it. But I miss my mother, I really do. I just, do not know how to react. And because of these, sometimes I get emotionally overwhelmed, and it makes me temperamental and I say things that hurt people, especially my sister whom has to put up with me for so long and get injured so much. I feel like a horrible person, someone whose responsible to be both a brother and parent, yet someone who has tried to cut off ties with the family.
And my father, though I do feel hurt sometimes by him - and that our relationship is almost like strangers, I truly empathize with him. And at times, I really, really hate him! But yet, I understand that his facing tremendous amount of stress and pressure and his a really good and responsible father. His just a man, burdened upon the world, yet sincerely in his heart just wish for the good of his family. I feel like being a good son, but many times, I find it hard to neglect certain things he do that hurt me and my mom. I'm torn in a dilemma between my father and my mother and I feel totally helpless. Yet I know that I am already 16 and I'm supposed to move on and live my own life because after all, I'm responsible for my own life now and though totally irresponsible, I've in a way, walked out of my family already. I just feel haunted sometimes, to imagine what my sister is going through. The kind of person she's becoming and the attitude she's developing, I find it hard to communicate with her.
I'm terribly sorry for this totally random rant, as I said, I just needed an outlet.
And I must understand that no amount of ranting can help with anything. I've the power to make decisions on my own life and I have the ability to change things. I have to take control, even though it's increasing hard to live life and shoulder more burdens, but all humans share their own share of problems too, even if you don't move on, the world moves on. And I do not have any time to waste and not move on. So therefore, once again, I'll soldier on - though things are tough, the memory of my loved ones toughens my mind.
I do not ask for lighter burdens, I just ask for stronger shoulders.
I love you, my loved ones, your existences in my life suffices all I ever need.
My friends, my grandmother, my Father up there - thank you.
Had been talking for some time with my aunt, felt like crying but held back my tears, because I know shedding any won't do any good or solve anything. It's been some time since my mom had went to work and my dad has been emotionally unstable. I was sharing about how I felt much more at home with my grandma in her house compared to a home that looks like a junkyard. I realized I do feel pressured up bottling up so many things in my heart for so long. But I know I need to move on and not lament about all these. Probably no one in this world knows my background, it's crazy and I'm not proud of it. Neither is my past, nor the things I've done - they are not things I'm proud of.
Furthermore, I'm staying with my grandma because I really want to stay with her, for as long as I can - I don't have much time left. For now, it's okay because she hasn't felt the cancer kick in yet, and life feels like normal. Everyday, I get increasingly attached to her, so old, yet adorable and lively - and selfless. I'm afraid it would be eventually very difficult for me to fight alongside with her when she's in her later stages. Honestly, my grandma is the strongest person on earth. And I never felt so happy simply looking at a person, just because she exists. I think a second lived and a second cherished is totally two different thing. When each second is cherished, it is worth much more than hours of other issues you might be going through. And I need to always remind myself not to waste my time, because every minute of sadness is a 60 seconds of happiness wasted, in which could be used much more effectively.
And ever since my mother went to work, I feel like I've lost her. I feel totally like an ingrate for saying that, because ultimately my mother's love for me never faltered, and she honestly loves me. It's just that, the way she's changed, the way she's living her life... the job she's doing and all. The time she comes home is when I'm sleeping, the time I leave home is when she's sleeping. She feels like, a stranger now. And I totally hate myself for feeling so, because she loves me, but the love I always felt for her, I don't know where is it. But I miss my mother, I really do. I just, do not know how to react. And because of these, sometimes I get emotionally overwhelmed, and it makes me temperamental and I say things that hurt people, especially my sister whom has to put up with me for so long and get injured so much. I feel like a horrible person, someone whose responsible to be both a brother and parent, yet someone who has tried to cut off ties with the family.
And my father, though I do feel hurt sometimes by him - and that our relationship is almost like strangers, I truly empathize with him. And at times, I really, really hate him! But yet, I understand that his facing tremendous amount of stress and pressure and his a really good and responsible father. His just a man, burdened upon the world, yet sincerely in his heart just wish for the good of his family. I feel like being a good son, but many times, I find it hard to neglect certain things he do that hurt me and my mom. I'm torn in a dilemma between my father and my mother and I feel totally helpless. Yet I know that I am already 16 and I'm supposed to move on and live my own life because after all, I'm responsible for my own life now and though totally irresponsible, I've in a way, walked out of my family already. I just feel haunted sometimes, to imagine what my sister is going through. The kind of person she's becoming and the attitude she's developing, I find it hard to communicate with her.
I'm terribly sorry for this totally random rant, as I said, I just needed an outlet.
And I must understand that no amount of ranting can help with anything. I've the power to make decisions on my own life and I have the ability to change things. I have to take control, even though it's increasing hard to live life and shoulder more burdens, but all humans share their own share of problems too, even if you don't move on, the world moves on. And I do not have any time to waste and not move on. So therefore, once again, I'll soldier on - though things are tough, the memory of my loved ones toughens my mind.
I do not ask for lighter burdens, I just ask for stronger shoulders.
I love you, my loved ones, your existences in my life suffices all I ever need.
My friends, my grandmother, my Father up there - thank you.
posted by Jean-Baptiste at
8:20 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]
<< Home