Exams - maybe not such a bad thing after all
I was in one of those random moods of contemplation and reflection today after exam whilst jogging in the stadium today. And I was thinking about my exams, and everything that came along with it. Yesterday night, as well as this morning during the papers - I felt so unhappy doing my exams, especially my principles of accounts, simply because it was so difficult I felt like crying. Dang, that was unmanly. But nevertheless, I felt like throwing the towel and getting on with it. I couldn't understand what I was working so hard for that made me feel so tensed up everyday - was it worthed it?
Studying has never been my forte, and I'm not proud of it. Deep inside, I've always got desires and fantasies. In my day dreams, I would be imagining myself in the best classes, doing the best work and being the smartest in class. That I wouldn't feel stupid and insecure or ugly like how I always feel. Speaking of which, the terrifying feeling of insecurity is creeping up and haunting me all over again, I think I'm becoming fatter day by day and I might go crazy one day. I feel like wearing a jacket to cover it all up and feel safer but alas, the school is such restrictive ground. Back to topic - the reason I'm actually able to scrape through to upper secondary in express stream is probably due to english, literature, art and humanities. And so, I began to keep asking myself, what am I fighting so hard for? Why are you running alongside those people? Don't you know how stupid you are?
That is when I realized, this exam isn't just a random two weeks of personal evaluation on the academics - but a process of self discovery.
These 2 weeks are valuable I tell you. Not only did I managed to study with much more focus, I discovered things that became totally significant to me, when they weren't in the past. For this exam, I've moved to my grandmother's place and this has caused me to spent much significant time with my grandmother. Like I've said in my earlier posts, every second no longer feels wasted simply because I get to appreciate that totally gorgeous lady for as long as she lives. She like a lotus, ever beautiful and graceful, yet you never know when it withers. And because of this exam, I'm able to spend much more time with my grandma and forge deeper bonds within us. Sometimes, love is more than words or actions. It's just about being together, simple yet significant. And that you realize that the deepest sophistication is in the simplest things after all. Being sophisticated isn't about being complicated, it's about understanding and seeing through the exterior. I don't need to bring my grandmother to the ends of the earth or show her the seven wonders of the world to have her understand my love or create stronger bonds. The happiness of love isn't by the lavishness of it, but by the simplicity of being able to enjoy it - to me, that is of deeper sophistication than the most complex theories of Einstein. Just to sit juxtapose to her, no need for words or hugs, and enjoy her whilst she's alive. I think it's one of the happiest moments I've felt in the whole of my life. Because the value of everything seems so amplified when they become limited, isn't it?
And also, because of exams, I've discovered the power and encouragement of friendship. Back then, when I was still struggling with loneliness - everything was bleak. There weren't meaning. Through this exam, I've got to know Kim a lot deeper. How she feels and who she really is. She keeps me going and studying no longer seem to be so much a chore when we're be sms-ing while studying at the same time. I no longer felt like I was alone. It could be a simple message, but again, the most sophisticated friendship is expressed by the simplicity of the words. If you truly know someone well, you understand what he or she is trying to say even with the most terse and simple answers that others might ask for elaboration. I think that's what friendship is all about, being able to understand each other without needing to verbalize it. The simplicity of the friendship, and the simplicity of our feelings. That's what's valuable.
I remember how I used to speak to her in secondary 2 when she's just transferred over from the Philipines. It felt different, like I was just speaking to another person. Slowly, as she became less awkward amongst us, and made more friends. She started shedding off her masks and show the world more and more different colours of her personality. And as we transited into the upper secondary, through Jeanette and friends, I've got to know her much better and those colours added more colour into my life. Thank you Kim, you gave me colours! Through watching American Idol and simple habits like sms, we've became close friends in less than two weeks! How can we ever deny that God is great? I think He uncovers the most unexpected beauties in the ugliest moments. Like a diamond, you only realize it's beauty when you polish that insignificant piece of carbon. And that's how God works, He puts you in the most difficult situation and have you tried and tested. You lament about how unfair it might be but humans always tend to neglect the beautiful things they've uncovered. You only realize how strong you've grown and how things are valuable after the ordeal is over. Therefore, I'm thankful for the exam - through it, I've found the most beautiful things money can't buy.
And honestly, there are so much more beautiful things I can talk about for the rest of my life in this blog. Like how thankful I am for my friends, how grateful I am for them lifting of me out of loneliness, how lovely my family really is compared to how I use to feel about them and so on, so forth. Yes, this post might be long and tiresome to read, but I don't really care either. Because I only want to retain these beautiful memories while I still can - I don't want to wait until I'm left with nothing before I lament about all these times I did not appreciate.
I thank you for reading this as well, and that I want to tell you, regardless of who you are, I love you. I love you simply because you exist and because you add colour to the world. I love you because you show me how beautiful God's creation can be. I love you even though I might not know you because you've given me a chance to add more colour into my life by starting to know you.
I might be over-using the three words, I don't care. All I know is that I'm sincere in what I say and I want to tell my loved ones again, I love you.
In conclusion : I love exams(laughs at the paradoxes of life, haha).
P/S : Kim, here's the post in dedication to you! And I love you, sister!
Studying has never been my forte, and I'm not proud of it. Deep inside, I've always got desires and fantasies. In my day dreams, I would be imagining myself in the best classes, doing the best work and being the smartest in class. That I wouldn't feel stupid and insecure or ugly like how I always feel. Speaking of which, the terrifying feeling of insecurity is creeping up and haunting me all over again, I think I'm becoming fatter day by day and I might go crazy one day. I feel like wearing a jacket to cover it all up and feel safer but alas, the school is such restrictive ground. Back to topic - the reason I'm actually able to scrape through to upper secondary in express stream is probably due to english, literature, art and humanities. And so, I began to keep asking myself, what am I fighting so hard for? Why are you running alongside those people? Don't you know how stupid you are?
That is when I realized, this exam isn't just a random two weeks of personal evaluation on the academics - but a process of self discovery.
These 2 weeks are valuable I tell you. Not only did I managed to study with much more focus, I discovered things that became totally significant to me, when they weren't in the past. For this exam, I've moved to my grandmother's place and this has caused me to spent much significant time with my grandmother. Like I've said in my earlier posts, every second no longer feels wasted simply because I get to appreciate that totally gorgeous lady for as long as she lives. She like a lotus, ever beautiful and graceful, yet you never know when it withers. And because of this exam, I'm able to spend much more time with my grandma and forge deeper bonds within us. Sometimes, love is more than words or actions. It's just about being together, simple yet significant. And that you realize that the deepest sophistication is in the simplest things after all. Being sophisticated isn't about being complicated, it's about understanding and seeing through the exterior. I don't need to bring my grandmother to the ends of the earth or show her the seven wonders of the world to have her understand my love or create stronger bonds. The happiness of love isn't by the lavishness of it, but by the simplicity of being able to enjoy it - to me, that is of deeper sophistication than the most complex theories of Einstein. Just to sit juxtapose to her, no need for words or hugs, and enjoy her whilst she's alive. I think it's one of the happiest moments I've felt in the whole of my life. Because the value of everything seems so amplified when they become limited, isn't it?
And also, because of exams, I've discovered the power and encouragement of friendship. Back then, when I was still struggling with loneliness - everything was bleak. There weren't meaning. Through this exam, I've got to know Kim a lot deeper. How she feels and who she really is. She keeps me going and studying no longer seem to be so much a chore when we're be sms-ing while studying at the same time. I no longer felt like I was alone. It could be a simple message, but again, the most sophisticated friendship is expressed by the simplicity of the words. If you truly know someone well, you understand what he or she is trying to say even with the most terse and simple answers that others might ask for elaboration. I think that's what friendship is all about, being able to understand each other without needing to verbalize it. The simplicity of the friendship, and the simplicity of our feelings. That's what's valuable.
I remember how I used to speak to her in secondary 2 when she's just transferred over from the Philipines. It felt different, like I was just speaking to another person. Slowly, as she became less awkward amongst us, and made more friends. She started shedding off her masks and show the world more and more different colours of her personality. And as we transited into the upper secondary, through Jeanette and friends, I've got to know her much better and those colours added more colour into my life. Thank you Kim, you gave me colours! Through watching American Idol and simple habits like sms, we've became close friends in less than two weeks! How can we ever deny that God is great? I think He uncovers the most unexpected beauties in the ugliest moments. Like a diamond, you only realize it's beauty when you polish that insignificant piece of carbon. And that's how God works, He puts you in the most difficult situation and have you tried and tested. You lament about how unfair it might be but humans always tend to neglect the beautiful things they've uncovered. You only realize how strong you've grown and how things are valuable after the ordeal is over. Therefore, I'm thankful for the exam - through it, I've found the most beautiful things money can't buy.
And honestly, there are so much more beautiful things I can talk about for the rest of my life in this blog. Like how thankful I am for my friends, how grateful I am for them lifting of me out of loneliness, how lovely my family really is compared to how I use to feel about them and so on, so forth. Yes, this post might be long and tiresome to read, but I don't really care either. Because I only want to retain these beautiful memories while I still can - I don't want to wait until I'm left with nothing before I lament about all these times I did not appreciate.
I thank you for reading this as well, and that I want to tell you, regardless of who you are, I love you. I love you simply because you exist and because you add colour to the world. I love you because you show me how beautiful God's creation can be. I love you even though I might not know you because you've given me a chance to add more colour into my life by starting to know you.
I might be over-using the three words, I don't care. All I know is that I'm sincere in what I say and I want to tell my loved ones again, I love you.
In conclusion : I love exams(laughs at the paradoxes of life, haha).
P/S : Kim, here's the post in dedication to you! And I love you, sister!
posted by Jean-Baptiste at
2:15 AM
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