Strength in Weakness

She's lost weight again, regrettably. I guess as time goes by, her body will start rejecting food more and more and I'm always trying my best to get the best food for her regardless of the distance or difficulty, just so it might be easier for her to eat. Colon cancer - what a good way to lose weight. Isn't that what I'm obsessed about along, morbidly?

Yet however difficult or uncomfortable it is for her to eat, she's making an effort to eat - because she knows she needs too. Even when her body's working against her, she's adamant on living and loving her grandchildren. Maybe she eats little, but at least she tries to eat because she knows she has to take medication. Even at such old age, she is as fiesty and responsible as she always is. Though it means that she wouldn't show her pain and cling on to her pride - expressing her uncomfort only through temperamentalism. She's so strong, I don't even know when is she in pain and when she isn't. And it's not often you can see someone, especially a woman, embrace the notion of death so readily. She knows she's dying, but she isn't scared - that, is my grandmother.

In case many of you are wondering over my blog address, flyinwingless. I chose the name simply because even though I might not have the wings, I can fly(okay, I can imagine you in your mind going - O.o?). I feel like a bird. Birds are universally known creatures who can fly at will - this, everyone knows, even babies. And there was once Jasen spoke to us, the band committee about actually not doing our best using the metaphor of wings. He said in these exact words, "you all have the wings, but you just choose not to fly." And that inspired me deep. So I thought about myself, my life, my studies and all. I realize that I don't really possess much aptitude or any significant qualities. I want to fly, but I don't have the wings. Just like my grandmother, her wings are wounded, but she still wants to fly. Therefore, I believe that I can fly, with or without wings. As long as I desire to fly, and work towards it, I can still fly because I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me :] And that, however hopeless I may be, without wings and all, I still can fly - just like a bird. Therefore, flying wingless. This is just the idea behind it, I'll dedicate a more elaborate post next time. Right now, my grandmother is just like my blog's name, flying without wings.

And I'm constantly contemplating, how am I going to fight on in her later stages. Right now, even when she doesn't show her pain, I'm feeling it myself. The stronger she seems, the more painful I feel. I don't know how much I can handle. All I know is that I've already proclaimed that I shall not ask for lighter burdens, only stronger shoulders to carry this burdens. So come what may, I'll keep believing and fighting. Because ultimately, I know that even when my grandma is weak, she wants to see me strong. And I already presented in english class about death being not an end, but a beginning of an eternal legacy that is going to exist in the hearts of people she impacted significantly. It's emotionally-draining, but it's making me emotionally stronger as well.















A person is strongest when he is in his weakest.
What doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger.