Blue Skies

I spent my night yesterday thinking of my mother. Whatever it is, I truly miss her. And whilst writing the essay on today's chinese paper, memories of my mother flooded my mind. Most coincidentally, the comprehension paper featured a poignant passage of motherly grief and seperation with the son.

I remember how I always clung onto her legs, and hid behind her thighs because I was so uncomfortable with strangers. And growing up, from the time since I was an infant, I've seen many times my mother suffered nervous breakdown from all the pressure. But again, she stayed strong for me, and my siblings. Knowing how she comes to my grandmother's place everyday to look after my brother before rushing to work, and how she always misses the family, her pure, unadulterated, desire to see the family together. To her, nothing else matters as long as she can make her children happy. Such unconditionality, where else can it exist?

I've sort of recovered from my emotional battle with loneliness I guess, I refused to face my feelings and give it to feeling unhappy. I might still feel quite horrible in class, being lonely and all. But I've got friends, I've finally got friends. People like Wei Liang, Wei Jun, Wei Jian, they're really great, great, people. Funny how they start their names with "Wei", but what matters is, I've got friends. And another great friend, Mrs Elaine Foo! Love her so much, she's such a tacky, down-to-earth, selfless yet optimistic inspiration! It's quite the pity that she doesn't get to celebrate her teachers day like the others and had to run the rehearsal. She is a great, great, person as well. And subconciously, perhaps, I've developed a liking to talk to her, because she's more than a teacher. A friend, and whatever the motivators cannot give. I'd dedicate the teacher's day award to her, unconditionally.

But I cannot deny that, once I step out of school, and when my phone is away, I develope this very dreadful feeling again. My head feels so heavy, and as I look to the infinite skies, it served as a stark reminder on how I was alone again. People have their lives to live, and I'd be selfish to want friends like that, perhaps I'm becoming an attention seeker. The paradoxes of life is so humorous, it's verging on morbidity - it's those who are lonely that are afraid to be lonely. I think I might have autophobia, even though I've been lonely for as long as I can imagine. But sometimes...... It really torments me at how quiet my foot steps are. I long for a day when I hear foot steps, not just of my own, but of many, whom I love. But never have I been able to feel comfortable in this flesh, always, this self-concious spirits in me would remind me constantly, and harp upon my certain insecurities, only fuelling my fear of getting to close to people. As much as I desire love, I'm cautious of love. My life is a living irony, but in this irony I feel tension. The tension of opposites, as Morrie Schwartz the professor would say, mentioned in the book, "Tuesdays with Morrie".

It's the facade I have everyday, the insecurities hidden, but brimming in my heart. But as long as people lives, hope lives. The society of today might have taken away humanity, but in the hearts of human, God created an unwavering twinkle of hope, just like the Pandora's box. And as I know how terrifying life can be, and how much hurt a human relationship can bring, I've also learnt how much more optimism I can face life with when I have a relationship with another human. I might have been forced numb by the person whom I had to say "bye" to in the previous post, but Wei Liang have somehow made it alive, again. Wei Jun and Wei Jian might not know much about me, but they don't show discrimination, and are very accepting people. And it dawned upon me, maybe it might not be friends I crave for, it's more like, acceptance. And acceptance can only come from friends and loved ones. So I've just gone round the bush. But I've learn to allow myself to be a little happier, because I believe it is a choice.

"People shouldn't dwell on the past. It's enough to try your best in all that you're doing now."

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"Even though I have been hurt before by those heartless glares this also helped me to understand that around me, there still exists some gentle glares. Therefore, I definitely won't run away. That's what I'll do. Definitely. Always."

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"If you look up at the sky after falling down, the blue sky is still stretching limitlessly and smiling at me...... I'm alive."

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- Ikeuchi Aya, One Litre of Tears.