Walking On
I've made countless promises to myself that I would no longer wallow in unhappiness and move on. Today, I kept pressing on. It felt the same, perhaps worse each day, but I know I need to get over it. Still, it never failed to let me understand that at the end of the day, I was still alone. Unwanted, unneeded and unloved. All that I've been trying to tell myself is that God still loves me, but it inevitably brought back countless of memories of the past.
I began to think of my Mother, somehow. I've come to realize that the only people who've loved me very dearly and unconditionally all the while is either Violet, Qixian, Zoe or my Mother. They have beautiful eyes, because they have the ability to see through what's outside, and appreciate the inner beauty of other people.
I can remember how Violet stood by me through all my mess, and persistently fought with me. She might not know what happened, or what caused me all those deep griefs, but all that she knew was that she had to stood by me and get me through it, no matter what - because she loved me. She is the most selfless person I have ever met in life, most honest, genuine and if there were a beauty peageant for hearts, she'd win hands down. But now being busy with burdens of life and studies, I've got less chance to speak to her. I interact with her almost...... no longer.
Qixian stuck with me through all my ups and downs in school and always gave me the simplest, yet wisest words. I remembered many times, I'd stay back in class and such, but Qixian used to always stay behind and waited for me. No one, in my life, has ever did that for me. He is not very vocal, brutally honest, but he was sincere. He is the most honest person I have ever met in my entire life and has been as encouraging as he was firm and honest. He does not lie to me, and tell me things - both bad and good - that I should know. Just him sticking with me and all the time we've spent, I am contented beyond words and even though I'm filled with grief that he's left me, I am thankful for everything he has done and the happiness he has given me. God, bring him back.
Zoe grew up with me, and I can say is the closest person I've ever had in my life. She knows much about me, she's been through much. Though as we grew up, we shared less of each other's presence and spent less time together, but the camaraderie between us never faltered. She's extremely unconditional in her love towards me, and we share a relationship greater than cousins or siblings. Regardless of how little/much we might know each other, we cannot deny one thing. We'll stick by each other no matter what. We're cousins, by blood, acquaintances, by destiny and for life. She cares for me, though we don't talk about it much, she loves me. I love her, my cousin, my sister, my friend. Though we see each other only fortnightly, the times I spent with her made me forget my loneliness, I no longer felt alone. If only it would last...... nevertheless, she made me realize that there are much more things to be happy for. It's always during the lowest times in my life, when I'm feeling the loneliest will she suddenly appear and let me know I'm not alone. I don't see her much, but she always comes during the times I'm alone, like an angel - a guardian angel.
If there's anybody I live for, it would be my Mother. Numerous times I've contemplated suicide, numerous. But always, I'd stop myself the very moment I thought of my Mother. Just by thinking of her, all my 16 years of life would come flashing back into my mind and I'd realize the pain and sufferings she has gone through, the unconditional love she has shown me and her ever-forgiving spirit. She loves me so much and sacrifices so much, so much that I feel extremely undeserving to be her son. I'd always remember my life with her as a child, those were the happiest moments of my life, before life robbed me away of my innocence. If there could be a part of my life which I could constantly replay over and over again, it'd be those childhood days I spent with my mother.
I remember how my father hasn't been too nice on my mother. I remember how my father treated my mother and I remember seeing numerous times, my mother breaking down in front of me, the first time back when I was still an infant. All I could do was hug my mother and tell her to stop crying. Telling her I love her, I did not know what happened or anything. All I understood was that when a person is sad, she would cry, and I used to think just by showing love, she'd be happy again. Perhaps, that is true afterall, not just a childhood mentality. Because I'm desperate for some of that as well. But ever since she's gone to work......
I supported her, and believed whatever she does is right. To me, she is ever righteous and was never wrong, a perfect figurine of human life. Through all these years, from the day she was borned till right now, she has been suffering, always suffering. So much that the deepest desire of my heart is to simply just see her happy. But ever since she started working, I observed her slowly becoming someone else, I didn't know who she was, but somehow, when she spoke to me sometimes, I knew she was still my mother. But somehow, it still felt like I've lost my mother. I do not blame her for anything at all, in fact I have no rights to. But since she's started work, she've almost forgot that she's a mother and a wife. Maybe she hasn't, and I am an ingrate for saying such things, but still, I did not know how to cope during that period of time. I felt lost. The sense of confusion which I've been trying to deny for months, it only accumulated and hit me back even harder.
But I cannot blame her, for years, my father hasn't given her much freedom. My father's the typical chauvinistic husband that is almost as egoistic. When one finally has the chance to have what she doesn't have, she'd not be able to see a limit to it. Perhaps, that is why my mother is more obsessed with her work now, and I cannot blame her. But still, I cannot understand why the pain still lingers in my heart, I do not know why do I even feel hurt for. I do not know whether to cry because I have lost my mother, or smile because maybe she's happier as she is now. All I can say is that, everyday, as much as I appear indifferent, void of emotions and perhaps optimistic, I desire deeply to see her and hug her, and tell her how much I love her.
I cannot deny, even though I am undeserving of much love, I desire to be loved. Maybe that's a very selfish and thick-skinned thing to ask, but I want to be loved. Everyday, when I walk to school and every afternoon, when I walk home alone, I'd realize how heavy each step felt. How it felt to have lost almost everything life gave you. Then you'd realize that...... nobody loves you anymore. That is when I look up into the skies and say, "God, if you hear me, let me feel love".
God is love, but His son hasn't been faithful. He has been too overwhelmed by all the loneliness in his life and his fatigue in fighting against storms alone. He needs hope, he needs love. He has no one else left in his life. His friends have left. His mother have left. His grandmother is leaving soon. He has no one else left.
If You hear my cries Lord, if You do, tell me I am not alone. Tell me You love me. Tell me I have people in life that loves me. Most of all, bring back all those that I have lost. I've promised to stand up and keep walking. I know I can get through all these because I am a child of God. I have dreams, visions, hopes and goals in life I want to achieve. But I know Lord, that inevitably, I cannot do it all alone. I need people in my life, I need to feel love.
Tell me I am not alone, please.
I began to think of my Mother, somehow. I've come to realize that the only people who've loved me very dearly and unconditionally all the while is either Violet, Qixian, Zoe or my Mother. They have beautiful eyes, because they have the ability to see through what's outside, and appreciate the inner beauty of other people.
I can remember how Violet stood by me through all my mess, and persistently fought with me. She might not know what happened, or what caused me all those deep griefs, but all that she knew was that she had to stood by me and get me through it, no matter what - because she loved me. She is the most selfless person I have ever met in life, most honest, genuine and if there were a beauty peageant for hearts, she'd win hands down. But now being busy with burdens of life and studies, I've got less chance to speak to her. I interact with her almost...... no longer.
Qixian stuck with me through all my ups and downs in school and always gave me the simplest, yet wisest words. I remembered many times, I'd stay back in class and such, but Qixian used to always stay behind and waited for me. No one, in my life, has ever did that for me. He is not very vocal, brutally honest, but he was sincere. He is the most honest person I have ever met in my entire life and has been as encouraging as he was firm and honest. He does not lie to me, and tell me things - both bad and good - that I should know. Just him sticking with me and all the time we've spent, I am contented beyond words and even though I'm filled with grief that he's left me, I am thankful for everything he has done and the happiness he has given me. God, bring him back.
Zoe grew up with me, and I can say is the closest person I've ever had in my life. She knows much about me, she's been through much. Though as we grew up, we shared less of each other's presence and spent less time together, but the camaraderie between us never faltered. She's extremely unconditional in her love towards me, and we share a relationship greater than cousins or siblings. Regardless of how little/much we might know each other, we cannot deny one thing. We'll stick by each other no matter what. We're cousins, by blood, acquaintances, by destiny and for life. She cares for me, though we don't talk about it much, she loves me. I love her, my cousin, my sister, my friend. Though we see each other only fortnightly, the times I spent with her made me forget my loneliness, I no longer felt alone. If only it would last...... nevertheless, she made me realize that there are much more things to be happy for. It's always during the lowest times in my life, when I'm feeling the loneliest will she suddenly appear and let me know I'm not alone. I don't see her much, but she always comes during the times I'm alone, like an angel - a guardian angel.
If there's anybody I live for, it would be my Mother. Numerous times I've contemplated suicide, numerous. But always, I'd stop myself the very moment I thought of my Mother. Just by thinking of her, all my 16 years of life would come flashing back into my mind and I'd realize the pain and sufferings she has gone through, the unconditional love she has shown me and her ever-forgiving spirit. She loves me so much and sacrifices so much, so much that I feel extremely undeserving to be her son. I'd always remember my life with her as a child, those were the happiest moments of my life, before life robbed me away of my innocence. If there could be a part of my life which I could constantly replay over and over again, it'd be those childhood days I spent with my mother.
I remember how my father hasn't been too nice on my mother. I remember how my father treated my mother and I remember seeing numerous times, my mother breaking down in front of me, the first time back when I was still an infant. All I could do was hug my mother and tell her to stop crying. Telling her I love her, I did not know what happened or anything. All I understood was that when a person is sad, she would cry, and I used to think just by showing love, she'd be happy again. Perhaps, that is true afterall, not just a childhood mentality. Because I'm desperate for some of that as well. But ever since she's gone to work......
I supported her, and believed whatever she does is right. To me, she is ever righteous and was never wrong, a perfect figurine of human life. Through all these years, from the day she was borned till right now, she has been suffering, always suffering. So much that the deepest desire of my heart is to simply just see her happy. But ever since she started working, I observed her slowly becoming someone else, I didn't know who she was, but somehow, when she spoke to me sometimes, I knew she was still my mother. But somehow, it still felt like I've lost my mother. I do not blame her for anything at all, in fact I have no rights to. But since she's started work, she've almost forgot that she's a mother and a wife. Maybe she hasn't, and I am an ingrate for saying such things, but still, I did not know how to cope during that period of time. I felt lost. The sense of confusion which I've been trying to deny for months, it only accumulated and hit me back even harder.
But I cannot blame her, for years, my father hasn't given her much freedom. My father's the typical chauvinistic husband that is almost as egoistic. When one finally has the chance to have what she doesn't have, she'd not be able to see a limit to it. Perhaps, that is why my mother is more obsessed with her work now, and I cannot blame her. But still, I cannot understand why the pain still lingers in my heart, I do not know why do I even feel hurt for. I do not know whether to cry because I have lost my mother, or smile because maybe she's happier as she is now. All I can say is that, everyday, as much as I appear indifferent, void of emotions and perhaps optimistic, I desire deeply to see her and hug her, and tell her how much I love her.
I cannot deny, even though I am undeserving of much love, I desire to be loved. Maybe that's a very selfish and thick-skinned thing to ask, but I want to be loved. Everyday, when I walk to school and every afternoon, when I walk home alone, I'd realize how heavy each step felt. How it felt to have lost almost everything life gave you. Then you'd realize that...... nobody loves you anymore. That is when I look up into the skies and say, "God, if you hear me, let me feel love".
God is love, but His son hasn't been faithful. He has been too overwhelmed by all the loneliness in his life and his fatigue in fighting against storms alone. He needs hope, he needs love. He has no one else left in his life. His friends have left. His mother have left. His grandmother is leaving soon. He has no one else left.
If You hear my cries Lord, if You do, tell me I am not alone. Tell me You love me. Tell me I have people in life that loves me. Most of all, bring back all those that I have lost. I've promised to stand up and keep walking. I know I can get through all these because I am a child of God. I have dreams, visions, hopes and goals in life I want to achieve. But I know Lord, that inevitably, I cannot do it all alone. I need people in my life, I need to feel love.
Tell me I am not alone, please.
posted by Jean-Baptiste at
6:22 AM
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