I tried asking a few questions, creating some talk or something. But it simply turned out that he really dislikes me after all. Well, what can I say? I'm a bloody horrible person to start with, a rotten friend.

Still, I've been disabled of the ability to trust anymore. He and some people used to make me believe that I would never have to face loneliness anymore, that I was no longer alone and have friends. I couldn't have been more stupid but to totally take their existence as pillars of my life, they became my reason to live. His companionship became the reason I do not mind going to school. Because through many things, I had come to realize he was there for me, when no one was willing to acknowledge me, he was still there for me, regardless of how rough the storm was.

No one would ever know the feeling of finally having broken out of loneliness after such long, painful period of helplessness. No one would ever know how it feels to finally have a friend, have a support, have a person who gives you some reason to live for. Jeanette, him, and some people, they had become the pillars of my life, who are the reasons I live for. But after all, he was the one he stuck with me most, someone I knew I could trust. Before that, I was too traumatized to find people to trust, love and believe in. Now, I'm back to history.

I've come to realize that my attitude is truly horrendous. But nevertheless, I think I deserve it all, I've come to believe how truly worthless I am. Perhaps, I'm better off dead. I am undeserving of love, from anybody.

But still, do you know how bloody painful it fucking feels? When all the meaning in your life gets swiped just like that?! I know how fucking rotten a person I am. I know how disgusting I can be. Why couldn't you just tell me straight!? Why do you just go away like that? Can't you just fucking tell me my bloody problems? You made me believe I had a friend, that I was worthy for friendship, that God loves me and I will not be alone. But why do you fucking do this to me? I'd rather not have had these damn things happen in my life because at least hopelessness is not as painful as the loss of hope! I fucking hate you! Why can't you just tell me what's wrong with me? You know I will change, I've changed so much from the past. I'm bloody sure you understand how fucking you are important to me because I have no one else left in my life! Why do you still do this to me? My mother left me, my grandmother is leaving me, I have nobody else in life, the world hates me and I thought I had found love, found people whom I can call friends, of which the dearest one is you. I sound like a fucking gay fag right now but you don't fucking know how important you are to me as a friend. In fact, the word "friend" is something I am undeserving to have. Yet everything just crumbles down like this.

Why is life robbing away people close to me? Why is life taking away people who give meaning to my existence!? My mother, my friend, everything I work so hard for and live for. Why must life take away the meaning of my existence!?

WHY? FUCKING WHY!? I have come to learn that I am undeserving of any love at all, and I must not love. Because it would only end up killing me, because no matter how I try, it would all end up destroyed.

I hate myself. I have the bloodiest shit of mass ever produced. Just stop giving me anymore hopes, none of them are real! I am nobody, take away my soul, my emotions, just stop torturing me!

ARGH, FUCK IT!