Embracing Paradoxes

Her condition's been aggravating a lot recently.

She's still optimistic - very optimistic, in fact - and despite the pain she's going through, she stubbornly refuses to show it. She finds it hard to eat sometimes, and shunned my aunt away for offering food. To be honestly, she might not even be a nice person to people who aren't her family members. But still, such determination and strong will to live on, how many humans in the world are able to achieve that? And perhaps that's why I am a stubborn person as well.

I've chosen to stubbornly stay cheerful with her and continue buying food for her. I've chosen to reciprocate her willingness to eat by going any lengths to get her food. I've learnt a lot from this frail old lady. Stubbornness, yes, it does turn people off. But it helps you get through the roughest edges in life. Like how I'm pursuing music stubbornly regardless of all the incredulous odds and such.

Well, the doctor said she's at the final stages of her life and the cancer's kicking in. Yet she still has such strong will to live on. That, the doctor is extremely impressed. Everyone's contemplating whether to tell her the truth or not. But still, they've decided against it. Personally, I'd hope they told her.

Am I insane - you might ask. But I've come to realize that nothing is more painful to a human being than to see their love ones being hurt. And they're afraid that grandma would not be able to take the news. But the truth is, I think they're more afraid of being hurt themselves. Because, regardless of grandma being able to take the news or not, they'd end up being the ones being hurt. It's a very ironic psychological mechanism we humans have been in-borned with. And it's such paradox as well. The important thing is, because grandma is left with limited time, she should be given the grace to know how much time has she left. Yes, it might be extremely terrifying to come upon the revelation that you're left with an amount of time quite specifically predicted. Still, it is then you'd cherish each day even more and live to the fullest. At least she'd be given the chance to recollect everything she's been through as well as take the opportunity to fulfil all her unfulfilled dreams for one last time before she dies. And you will at least want to live in a way such that you'd want to make as much memories as possible everyday.

I remember watching the 9pm drama on channel 8 one day. And I've been enlightened with a profound understanding from a small boy dealing with the death of his goldfish. It seemed so simple, yet it is a very basic fact us adults - who oftenly complicate things for ourselves - cannot seem to grasp. He said, "I was very sad, but I know that even if my goldfish is gone, I can still have the memories with it with me. It doesn't matter how long the time we've spent together, but the memories that we can have from it".

Life is a piece of canvas whereupon you are the artist. When art is done too meticulously, the artist usually have the tendency to neglect the meaning to it, making it too technical and losing it's aestheticality. Whereby it'd become an impressive piece of art but not an impactful piece of art because it was created to impress and not to express. But because as artists who have experienced much through the years and are greater in our skills, we tend to like to do art complicated, and lost the ability to appreciate things in simplicity, simply because we think they'd appear better. But we refuse to realize that the greatest life lessons and experiences come from the simplest sources. That, is life - learning to see sophistication in simplicity, the beauty in adversity, the love in hostility - people always look upon only the surface. They don't see the greater meaning to what God had place into their lives.

I browse through many blogs of people of age and all I see is the constant ranting upon their parents not caring for them, being irresponsible and such. But I'd like to ask, what have you done for them? Humans are selfish creatures, we always ask for things, and when they are not given, we're upset. But how many times have we given the things people asks of us? And as children, we'd complain that the parents are irresponsible for not providing certain needs they have, yet never have they placed themselves in the shoes of their parents and understanding their needs instead. We say they're irresponsible for not doing this for us and that for us, then how responsible are we actually for complaining that they are irresponsible, when they've brought us up for so many years? Happily, or not, it was they who have given us life and even the opportunity for you to even complain. Can you deny you haven't felt happy your whole life before? If you say you haven't, I'd wish to slap you. Because happiness is a choice and you have no rights to blame the world if you do not wish to be happy.

I've had enough of the world constantly blaming and blaming, no one ever understands what they themselves have done. From small scale to big scale, families to governments and nations. People always push blames so that they do not have to accept fault. They'd always preach about learning from faults and mistakes but yet be the ones always pushing blames around.

And I'm not saying one should consume all the blame and cultivate it in us to the point it becomes self-condemnation and low self-esteem. That's an unwise personal choice as well, because what you do ultimately affects everyone, not just yourself. So when you start harnessing all the blame and hurt in you, you start to hate yourself. And because what's inside you manifests subconciously, you'd affect people too. And you would become a very miserable person, because your misery makes people around you miserable too - and no one likes to be miserable. And therefore, by condemning yourself, you're plunging yourself into an abyss of unhappiness. What I am trying to say is that, like the food you eat. Take blame as it is. Understand it's taste and how it makes you feel, the sensation and all the lesson that comes along with it. While going through your bodily processes, your body would absorb all the nutrients - the lessons that make you grow, the qualities and growth you'd have attained from the mistake, etc. - and the remaining "blame", devoid of anymore life lessons to learn, are waste products, whereby they should be thrown away and let go. Holding on too much "blame" - a waste product" - would cause you "constipation" and toxify yourself. Whereby in this cause, self-condemnation and such. And the effects are quite dire.

That was one heck of a metaphor, but still, yes, I'd really hope the world would stop blinding themselves and yet whine about the unhappiness life brings when they can actually achieve happiness. Well, you might say I haven't gone through what you have and all that. But it makes me ask, "does that give you the damn excuse to not be happy?". If you choose to be unhappy, so be it. It is not because you're feeling sad that you are unhappy, but it's because you choose not to let go. You chose to toxify your body with all the condemnation and not want to learn from your lessons and be a stronger person.

I'd just wish the world would learn to stop blinding themselves with just the superficial things and start growing up. Emotions are beautiful things - they make humans, humans. It's all these sadness, anger, envy, etc. that brings colour to our lives. They are confusing and extremely difficult to control, no one can deny. But still, though emotions is life, we'd not be living a life at all if we get stuck in one emotion and not move on. Life, is a paradox that we must live.

And, this might seem out of place, but I love ACJC! and regardless of anything, I am going to be studying there next year, come what may. Call me idealistic and tell me to dream on, but because I am stubborn, I will never give in. For ACJC, for music, for life - the best is yet to be.

"Until I let go, gave into love, watched all the bitterness burn.
Now I'm coming alive - body and soul, feeling my world start to turn"