Hollow

I just realized I forgotten how to feel anymore. I don't know why, perhaps I've been too tired or been too emotional for too long a period - I "feel" very numb and indifferent. I feel empty and hollow, and it's not a negative or positive thing. Just, no emotions. Perhaps I've been too stressed out by everything? My life had been such a drama. Or maybe it is a defensive mechanism my brain has conjured up to help me cope with things. But seriously, I realize I don't feel for everything anymore. I feel weird in my own body, I feel quite lost. I don't know how to swallow what people said to me, and I don't know how to talk to people. I just...... feel very empty, like I waking up from an extremely wild dream yet forgetting everything upon conciousness. I don't know. Nothing seems to intrigue me anymore. I feel alive yet dead. I don't know, I really don't.

When I talk to my friends, I would talk half way and suddenly stop, exclaiming myself suddenly being very confused and unable to understand what I've been saying. I'm just going mad that way. And I see my friend, especially one of my best ones, I feel hurt somehow, sometimes. At times, I get jealous and at times, hoping fervantly he would smile at me like he did on the first day of school - to talk to me. He seems to ignore me already, and I don't know how to talk to him - or anyone else for that matter. I am just very, very confused. And I don't know why, I feel very lost. Like I'm in a labyrinth of emptiness.

And I get this very frequent urge to start sobbing, and I do not know why as well. I'm definitely not sad at all. I don't think I can recognize this as sorrow or anything. It's just a very empty feeling churning with dizziness and confusion. I feel like, it's my brain's way of telling me it's too exhausted - so much that the part of it controlling emotions seemed to have broken down, thoroughly fatigued by all the madness I've been facing daily. Perhaps......I'm just too tired.

But I do not feel sad, I just feel very hollow and light. Almost dreamy and floating. I'm wondering if this is a dream I am living that feels extremely real. Perhaps this post isn't real too, perhaps I'm now in my dream posting on a blog and when I wake up, this might be gone. It's eerily deja vu.

However, maybe I do feel something...... disgust. I'm quite overwhelmed by disgust now. It appears to me I'm returning to my horrendously overweight past. I looked at the mirror - and almost all mirrors, like I usually/paranoidly do all the time - I'm appalled by my sudden fatness. I don't know. But perhaps this feeling of void is beneficial. Because I do not have any emotions, I do not have any cravings or appetite for that matter. I don't know, I seriously don't. I'm just strangely scared, confused, dizzy, hollow and at times very sorrowful yet morbidly joyful as well. I really don't know. Perhaps, my heart is too tired of being lonely, and thus has shut off. At least...... being numb frees me from pain. From loneliness, from fear, from worry, from insecurities, from people, from everything. I don't know why, but tears seem to flow down as I type - and I don't have anything to be sad about. Tis' gut-wrenching manifestation of sorrow bursting forth out of no apparent reason, I don't know what is happening. All I know is, my head feels light, albeit slightly aching, and my abdomen and chest hurts. I feel tired, but light-headed. And it makes me feel oddly happy even though I'm crying.

I don't know, I think I need the asylum.

Hear me Elatedly cry Loathesomely in Pleasure.

I'm becoming pretty sick.

I walk in deafening silence

The people whom I loved piece my every step

I see their faces on every slab

I've become so sickening, they should stab.

Their faces masterpieces of art

each expressing loathe in snarls

Screaming from their facial muscles songs of their heart

sopranos of "I hate you."

Detested, you are my dear,

Irritance sums it all.

Existence, is but a farce.

So get away and live in pretense.

Acknowledge your worthlessness and

Emotions will all be gone.