I do not know why I am posting this at all
Tomorrow's school. Part of me wishes tomorrow would never come while another part of me eagerly wish for school to start quick so I can study. Once again, as I look at my DSA form for ACJC, I'm reminded again of my "O" levels, my grandma and all. And it cripples me with panic and fear. For JC - and ultimately, music - I've done many things I never thought I would. Things that went against my conscience, things that made my everyday burdensome and even things that made me cry. The burden is heavy. The cost is high and the sacrifice, crazy. As a sixteen year old, I'm face with mountains of debt and worry. Nobody thought money could be an issue for a 16 year old school boy in Singapore.
I wake up every morning just to worry about paying my tuition fees, my mouthpiece, my ligature, my metronome, my reeds, my grandmother, etc. Apparently, I've been sacrificing much for music and my grandmother. Despite my huge debts, I'm always thinking of food my grandma would eat. Because of the spreading of cancer, her appetite grows worse day by day. I've seen her shrunk from a healthily built old lady to a stick thin figure. Accompanied with spells of nausea, eating has become so difficult for her as her appetite worsens with time. As a grandson who lives with her, I cannot do much but watch helplessly as she becomes weaker and weaker. Because she can't eat, she is unable to take her medication because they cannot be taken on empty stomach. And due to that, her sickness kicks in and she feels discomfort. That discomfort causes her to smoke, and that only hastens everything. Therefore, despite lacking money, I would go great lengths to buy food she might eat, regardless the cost.
Seriously, money isn't an issue as long as she would just eat...... for me at least. I realize I'm very selfish. It isn't about what she is feeling, I realized it's because of what I feel that makes me want to have her live longer. Because I cannot bear to part with her, because I feel crippled - and I cannot do anything, at all. She knows she's not well, and day by day, she is experiencing the aggravation of her condition. Yet as a grandson, I feel exceptionally limited and desperate. And amidst all I'm struggling with music. I feel the pressure from not playing well enough, I feel the pressure from not having enough money at all.
Because of all that, I've gone to desperate measures. I feel like I've lost myself at times. I don't know what am I even doing. All I know is, for music, I'm willing to go through hell. Because I've never stopped saying this - I will be a musician, come what may. I do not know whether to laugh or cry at myself. I do not know whether I'm strong-willed or plain fool hardy and very stubborn. And then here I'm faced with insufficient funds that cripple me everyday.
I do not know what I'm posting about or what I'm posting this for. I just need to remind myself, I must get into ACJC. I must do music. I must prove people wrong. And I must show people that dreams do come true. Regardless of what, I'm sticking through it, thick and thin. Come what may, I am a musician. And I'm staying strong for grandma. I must.
I wake up every morning just to worry about paying my tuition fees, my mouthpiece, my ligature, my metronome, my reeds, my grandmother, etc. Apparently, I've been sacrificing much for music and my grandmother. Despite my huge debts, I'm always thinking of food my grandma would eat. Because of the spreading of cancer, her appetite grows worse day by day. I've seen her shrunk from a healthily built old lady to a stick thin figure. Accompanied with spells of nausea, eating has become so difficult for her as her appetite worsens with time. As a grandson who lives with her, I cannot do much but watch helplessly as she becomes weaker and weaker. Because she can't eat, she is unable to take her medication because they cannot be taken on empty stomach. And due to that, her sickness kicks in and she feels discomfort. That discomfort causes her to smoke, and that only hastens everything. Therefore, despite lacking money, I would go great lengths to buy food she might eat, regardless the cost.
Seriously, money isn't an issue as long as she would just eat...... for me at least. I realize I'm very selfish. It isn't about what she is feeling, I realized it's because of what I feel that makes me want to have her live longer. Because I cannot bear to part with her, because I feel crippled - and I cannot do anything, at all. She knows she's not well, and day by day, she is experiencing the aggravation of her condition. Yet as a grandson, I feel exceptionally limited and desperate. And amidst all I'm struggling with music. I feel the pressure from not playing well enough, I feel the pressure from not having enough money at all.
Because of all that, I've gone to desperate measures. I feel like I've lost myself at times. I don't know what am I even doing. All I know is, for music, I'm willing to go through hell. Because I've never stopped saying this - I will be a musician, come what may. I do not know whether to laugh or cry at myself. I do not know whether I'm strong-willed or plain fool hardy and very stubborn. And then here I'm faced with insufficient funds that cripple me everyday.
I do not know what I'm posting about or what I'm posting this for. I just need to remind myself, I must get into ACJC. I must do music. I must prove people wrong. And I must show people that dreams do come true. Regardless of what, I'm sticking through it, thick and thin. Come what may, I am a musician. And I'm staying strong for grandma. I must.
posted by Jean-Baptiste at
4:31 AM
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