Motivation? Or Torture?

I've been already very paranoid over my results and I sleep in fear of my "O" levels. Though tad exaggerated as it sounds, it's daunting on me constantly how I can't make it to JC with such pathetic results and I've been on mug-fest these days. The scary thing is that, while I always memorize my stuffs through the night, they end up being forgotten the next day. I still haven't really got over my mid-year results, it's killing me. Everyone asking, everyone scrutinizing, everyone commenting. Sometimes, I know they mean well, but nobody understands improvement. "D7 only ah?!", "but it used to be F9. And look, I've jumped 3-4 grades.", "but you still failed!" Whatever. It's driving me crazy how I'm unable to make it to JC. And everyday, I am reminded with that unsatiable strong desire in the heart - "I must make it to ACJC, come what may."

Some may say it's an extremely strong motivation because through this holidays, I've been studying a lot. Morning in school, study. Back home after 8pm, study again. But it feels like I'm not improving and it's killing me. Though it's drawing me to my fantasy of being a good student, someone that excels, it never fails to let me know how much of a failure I perpetually am. I don't know, but I'm constantly feeling very scared. The motivation seems to be so positive, yet in the same light, causing intense fear in me, the fear of being unable to make it. I'm so desperate to do well, it's making my head feel so heavy I feel so tired all the time and I don't know why. Everything seems to be over-amplified now. Why is it that since I've started studying, everything seems to be so scary? I always though I wasn't temperamental, but now, even a little strict reminder and nagging from my father makes me mutter swear words under my breath and evoke such intense angst in me? Why is it that with my aunt just reminding me on my results, I feel like I was going to explode? I don't know what is happening. I'm just so scared of everything, very terrified. I just want to do well so badly, I don't want to fail anymore. I want to be a student that scores - I just want to live up to expectations, fulfil my dreams, fulfil someone's dream and just be of some bloody worth. Why is it so difficult? I don't know but I'm developing such urge to bang my head all the time. I feel stupid, worthless and like an utter failure.

I do not care anymore, all I know is that for this holiday, I want to do nothing but study and prepare for the DSA on my saxophone. I must have my standard match ACJC band and I must have my studies proven worthy of a JC student. Miss Aljunied can say I'm too idealistic, my dad can discourage me against JC, people can say I'm too hopeless for JC - I don't care, I really don't. But at the same time, it always reminds me on my nagging fears and doubts that haunts me all the time. I'm going mad.

And the scariest thing of all is that amongst all these, I turn around - there is nobody. I'm alone. I realize my past has really returned. I am lonely, again. I log on to MSN, I look at my list. I realized...... actually, I don't really have any friends. I look at my contact list once again, I don't actually belong among any of these people. I look at my blog, no one actually looks - my tagboard is desolate and empty as ever. I hop blogs, I get reminded on how outcasted I actually am, that I'm actually alone. I question people who actually say, "I love myself." How can that ever be true? Then I realize once again my worthlessness and my multitudes of flaws. And then the nagging reminder of my fatness and ugliness returns while I turn to binging to forget everything. I return to studying and realize, I have no friends.

I'm terrified, stricken with fear. I wonder once again my meaning of existence. And again, I feel an overwhelming intense angst as my aunt said, "go bathe and change! Still using the internet......" What am I even angry for!? I'm an idiot!

ARGH! I'm going mad!