Temporary Rant

It's been quite tiring, so many things. So many issues. I hate to rant, and often say that wise are the ones who solve problems instead of complain about problems. But I guess, I just needed an outlet. Perhaps just scream everything out and then move on. I might just feel lighter, I guess.

I've always hated to say this, but I'm still having monetary issues. Tuition fees - up till now, I still owe my tuition teacher a huge sum of money, and I can see he is still very frustrated, with the rising oil prices and all - my tuition teacher is in an unfavourable amount of debt too. And also, my parents themselves are facing problems paying the bills already. With rising petrol prices, my father is taking a direct hit as well from all this strain. And it is not their fault my tuition fees cannot be paid, it is mine. Because in effort to pay off my saxophone tutor's fee, I've took quite an amount off my subject tuition teacher's fees. Furthermore, I need to buy a mouthpiece and ligature soon because I can't be using 4C forever, to spend all these money, I need to have improvement. Then next is grandma's meals and even certain expenditures. And as much as I want to help, I feel completely helpless because my father does not want me to work part time. And I really respect and love him for that because he cares for my studies. What can I do?

Next, musically, I've got to improve. I haven't improve at all since last month in my musical aspect. My tone is much better now, but for some reason it totally cranked up during the audition. My sight-reading isn't getting any better and I'm not getting stable tones or anything. My embouchure still goes out-of-place many times and my air support has deteriorated. And my knowledge on scales, after working so hard, isn't really up to standard yet. Furthermore, in theory, I'm still quite stagnant in my knowledge, not learning anything yet. I feel very pressured. Now that the audition has an almost 0% percent of success rate, I'm casting all my stakes on the appeal instead. And if my playing isn't getting any better, I can forget about appealling already. Most importantly, I cannot get over the uneasy feeling that Fary doesn't really like me, and neither does some of her section mates. It makes me feel almost that it might jeopardise my chances. It was quite daunting to see the look of Fary's face during audition. I could see I've caused her to look down on me. And it is my aptitude that is lacking. God, help me.

And then I have my family, everyone's cranked up. It's messy as hell at home and everytime my mother or father comes back, they're feel even more pressured, adding on to their pressure from work. I'd keep the place clean but it will always end up untidy and horrendous thanks to my sister and I am at my limits on what to do. And it pains me how my mother, already so pressurized from work, has to face all the mess as well as my sister's utter disrespect and my father's paranoia. My father, being the chauvinistic and egocentric man he is, still finds it difficult to accept my mom's working hours and all he'd ever do is to quarrel with her in the middle of the night. But I cannot blame my father because after all, my mother has a family. And she should've known better than to come back to late. After all, her job isn't exactly that of a glamourous one and if you may say, not what mothers should do. She should have a better idea of her husband as well as her having of a family than to work to such hours. And it pains me to see how my sister has to grow up in such traumatizing childhood yet all I want to do is to escape from the wretched family. But still, because my grandmother is sick, I have to walk the last lap with her.

My grandmother's condition is not very optimistic as well. Her appetite is constantly dwindling and it pains me to see how weak she sometimes is. Yet despite it all, her stubborn will to live and her mental strength is so great that she does not want to express uncomfort towards us and never fails to love us whole-heartedly. She's been getting stomach upsets and even more frequent spells of nausea and she's still fighting on. As a grandson, there is no greater desire for me than to suffer in her place. Honestly, and ironically, it is most painful to me when she appears strong even in her suffering. I've been desperate to get her to eat and thus scouring for all sources of food.

And in midst of all these, I've succumbed to emotional eating to cope with all the pressure and it's killing me. The damned feeling of conciousness of eating too much slaps you in the face and you feel like the most wasted person on earth. And through the holidays and all, I've been eating like a swine and I'm returning to the past in an alarming rate. It's daunting how everytime I bathe, I feel different when I'm scrubbing my body and how the clothes I used to wear feels different on me now. And I start getting comments about how I've visibly gained weight and such. It's tearing me apart yet I have lost all control over myself and am helpless. I'm so fat, I feel like I could die and I'm starting to resort to all the senseless methods I've used in the past. It's tearing me upon emotionally and the tear-jerking feeling when I look at the mirror is returning. I hate myself.

Leaving that aside, my relationship with my friend in school hasn't been to great as well and I still feel lonely. He doesn't know how horrible it feels on me and the way he acts so distant and cold to me is killing me. I kept trying to warm up to him, and finding an opportunity to have a proper talk with him to find out what's happening, but to no avail. Honestly, he is one of my only few friends and is therefore extremely precious, like a support in my life. Without this support in my life, I feel like I'm ready to collapse any time soon. And the silence we'd have between us is extremely deafening. Yet all I can do is to put up an optimistic front because I don't want to become an irritant to him. Most importantly, the feeling of loneliness is terrifying - and it's all returning to me now. Honestly, even though I've forced myself to change and "blossom" - inside, I'm feeling alone and scared. Everyone hates me, I do not know who to turn to. And my mind doesn't help by always having me uncontrollably reminiscing all the fond memories and how I felt to have a friend. I've degraded to silently sobbing in the toilet to keep myself stable and maintaining optimism. The loss of a pillar is causing me to lose concentration in my lessons and it's become hard for me not to feel the loneliness. Especially during wednesdays, when I've to sit at those places. I'm turning quite sick with all these coldness, and it's robbing my mind away.

Academically, I've been struggling to stay on track. Yes, teachers might be unhappy about me not handing in my work. But I've been feeling too messed up to even think. And I'm struggling to hard to concentrate without thinking about everything I've typed above. It's like, I cannot concentrate on my tuition at all without thinking of my unableness to pay the fees. And the reaction I'd get from him makes me feel all the more wrecked as I give up hope on my chemistry. And for accounts, the feeling I'd get attending Mr Goh's class all the time would make me feel like a wastrel. I really do not know where my worth lies. And even so, in chinese, I've totally wrecked my "O" levels and it's killing me how I might get satisfactory marks. And I'm so damn afraid I cannot get into ACJC with such results. But yet at the rate I am going, I feel like I am plunging myself into doom faster than before. Sometimes, I still cannot get myself to study. And even if I study, I still cannot concentrate. My grades aren't improving, and I slap myself for that. I hate myself, and I still am unable to comprehend my stupidity. Even english, how can I be so bloody confident on an A1 at all? I do not know if I can even write a proper essay now. It's driving quite crazy.

I'm honestly quite tired of everything but all I desire is to finally get to ACJC. The price and the effort required is straining me dry - Lord, give me hope, give me strength for a better future.

Again, I ask not for lighter burdens but for stronger shoulders. Echoing the ACS motto, I will still tell the world, "the best is yet to be!".

Alright, enough of ranting. Now that I've vented all my frustrations, I will fix them all one by one. I still declare, I will be from ACJC, come what may.