On My Own

It's killing me. Seriously.

I'd rather you tell me straight in the face, "I hate you" than do all this shit to me. Even when I attempted to break the ice and called him to inform him about some things, all he does is give me artic. Do you know how so damn bloody painful is it the way you're doing things?

I don't know what to do, it's breaking me apart, seriously.

So many things, one single entity. My voyage back in time seems to be getting so fast. The loneliness is tearing me apart and I've succumbed to emotional eating.

A sensation of pleasure mixed with disgust and fear, only finishing in worthlessness and madness. Each bite releases surges of pent-up frustration only to be rebounded with grotesque. The relief only reciprocated with heavier self-hatred. Argh, I hate all this, but I cannot control myself.

Honestly, I'm just wrecking my life all over again, and I have a dream to fulfil. But I am so tired of all this. Tired of always being cheerful, tired of smiling all the time even though I'm always set back upon all these stuffs, tired of my home, tired of everything. My incompetency in my studies has made it worse. And it's bloody frustrating how I cannot grasp concepts even after slugging through multitudes of questions.

The best is yet to be, the best is yet to be, the best is yet to be. I must clear my mind and focus on that one direction. Please stop wrecking my life like that, I've had quite enough.

ACJC, my Jerusalem, I must enter.

And now I'm all alone again,

Nowhere to turn, no one to go to.

Without a home, without a friend,

Without a face to say hello to.

And now the night is near,

Now I can make believe he's here.

Sometimes I walk alone at night

When everybody else is sleeping.

I think of him, and then I'm happy

With the company I'm keeping.

The city goes to bed,

And I can live inside my head.

On my own,

Pretending he's beside me.

All alone,

I walk with him till morning.

Without him,

I feel his arms around me,

And when I lose my way I close my eyes

And he has found me.

In the rain,

The pavement shines like silver.

All the lights

Are misty in the river.

In the darkness,

The trees are full of starlight,

And all I see is him and me for ever and forever.

And I know

It's only in my mind,

That I'm talking to myself

And not to him.

And although I know that he is blind,

Still I say,

There's a way for us.

-"On My Own", Les Miserables.