The Stone
I wonder what kind of life have I put myself in. It's draining me quite too much, but I chose this route. And I need to look towards the future, and understand the rewards at the end. But nevertheless, I am struggling to make ends meet even at the present. I do not know what to do. I'd surely figure it out in the end, because I know there is a purpose for everything that is placed in my life. Nevertheless, this blog serves for me to seek solace, to release it all out and move on after incessant ranting.
Firstly, the fees and the tuitions are killing me. I've owed Melvin a $100 for theory lessons and I have missed too many lessons. I do not know when is the phase 2 for DSA, but I do know that if I want to do well even in the appeal, I need to have my standards in check. And it worries me so that my saxophone playing is deteriorating at an alarming rate. I've lost my embouchure and my tone is horrible. The dexterity of my fingers seem to be failing and I've yet to attend tuition simply because I do not have the money to pay. Furthermore, I have my theory exam to worry as well and I need another additional $110 for registration fees. As a student who gets only $10 a day, where am I to find the money? I have resorted to many things that went against my morals just to pay for all these, and I have yet to buy my mouthpiece and ligature, let alone an instrument. How am I going to survive like this? Practical lessons alone I've not attended for way too long, I need to improve.
And not to forget, I have lots of books to buy. To be very frank, from the start of the year, I already lost my biology, chemistry and physics textbooks. And I've been studying very hard through all the guide books I can afford as well as the 10-years series. Praise the Lord I have tuition to keep me surviving but I need those books to study! And it would be murder to ask my father for funds on all these. Because it is to my utter irresponsibility that I actually lost these books. I need money, and have been in all kinds of fantasy about material abundance, but they are not reality.
Furthermore, my grandmother's condition is aggravating right before my eyes everyday. Many nights, I do not know, but my grandmother has actually got up to vomit. With her sleeping patterns being irregular, it is obvious to me that she is not feeling too well. And today, after the check-up from the doctor, she is low on blood count. Her mood has been pretty bad as well and she's not feeling too good. I do not know, but I just hope she's feeling alright. The doctor has also increased her dosage of painkillers. I honestly do not know what will happen the very next day, hour, or minute.
And my studies, there is only so little time left to prelims and I do not seem to have enough time to study. Perhaps my procrastinating habit gets the better of me sometimes, but I cannot give myself excuses. I must perform! I have much to catch up in mathematics, biology, humanities and sciences! That's almost all my subjects! And I do not know about my chinese language, I totally have no confidence in it and I seriously need to retake the examinations. Yet, through it all, I do not have lessons at all! What am I to do? I brought the matter up to the teacher, and it seemed to fall on deaf ears because nothing had been done and no reply had been given, leaving the students helpless and daunted.
Perhaps humanities can be covered through this measly two weeks left if invested much concentration and efforts, and perhaps biology too. But for mathematics, I have less than two weeks left. I cannot practice enough, and I am too ignorant about many things. I said I want to get A1, but how possible is it for me? Belief requires works to manifest into reality. I do not know how, but I'll get through somehow with effort. I do not know about my sciences. Though I've improved heaps and bounds since the last chemistry exam, I cannot deny that my standard is too precariously below par and if I need to get into ACJC, I must show Dr Lee that however bleak my results seemed during mid-year, I can still get in. My passion and desire to get into ACJC will never falter but instead burn even stronger as the day goes by. I must get in, I really must.
I am sick and tired of the almost countless "you can'ts" I hear from people. Once and for all, I'll show the world I am a son of God. And because I am a son of God, my potential is infinite. Self-delusion, I hear you say. But I refuse to comply, I call this "faith". With so many things to get by, I feel like a hand with sand in it. There is so much sand a hand can contain as in the end, the sand will still escape through the tiniest cracks and openings of the fingers. But the Holy Spirit is just like moisture, it clumps the sand gains together and allow my hand to sustain all the sand in it. In time, towards the end, with all the treatment of moisture and the moulding of the hand, it would all turn into a solid sphere of harden processed sand called a stone. And that stone would be so hard and sturdy I shall shatter all the barriers that once invaded my life.
"Greater is He who is in you than he who is in the world", "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me". It is because I know still, that the best is yet to be. With Jesus, what are all these to me?
Firstly, the fees and the tuitions are killing me. I've owed Melvin a $100 for theory lessons and I have missed too many lessons. I do not know when is the phase 2 for DSA, but I do know that if I want to do well even in the appeal, I need to have my standards in check. And it worries me so that my saxophone playing is deteriorating at an alarming rate. I've lost my embouchure and my tone is horrible. The dexterity of my fingers seem to be failing and I've yet to attend tuition simply because I do not have the money to pay. Furthermore, I have my theory exam to worry as well and I need another additional $110 for registration fees. As a student who gets only $10 a day, where am I to find the money? I have resorted to many things that went against my morals just to pay for all these, and I have yet to buy my mouthpiece and ligature, let alone an instrument. How am I going to survive like this? Practical lessons alone I've not attended for way too long, I need to improve.
And not to forget, I have lots of books to buy. To be very frank, from the start of the year, I already lost my biology, chemistry and physics textbooks. And I've been studying very hard through all the guide books I can afford as well as the 10-years series. Praise the Lord I have tuition to keep me surviving but I need those books to study! And it would be murder to ask my father for funds on all these. Because it is to my utter irresponsibility that I actually lost these books. I need money, and have been in all kinds of fantasy about material abundance, but they are not reality.
Furthermore, my grandmother's condition is aggravating right before my eyes everyday. Many nights, I do not know, but my grandmother has actually got up to vomit. With her sleeping patterns being irregular, it is obvious to me that she is not feeling too well. And today, after the check-up from the doctor, she is low on blood count. Her mood has been pretty bad as well and she's not feeling too good. I do not know, but I just hope she's feeling alright. The doctor has also increased her dosage of painkillers. I honestly do not know what will happen the very next day, hour, or minute.
And my studies, there is only so little time left to prelims and I do not seem to have enough time to study. Perhaps my procrastinating habit gets the better of me sometimes, but I cannot give myself excuses. I must perform! I have much to catch up in mathematics, biology, humanities and sciences! That's almost all my subjects! And I do not know about my chinese language, I totally have no confidence in it and I seriously need to retake the examinations. Yet, through it all, I do not have lessons at all! What am I to do? I brought the matter up to the teacher, and it seemed to fall on deaf ears because nothing had been done and no reply had been given, leaving the students helpless and daunted.
Perhaps humanities can be covered through this measly two weeks left if invested much concentration and efforts, and perhaps biology too. But for mathematics, I have less than two weeks left. I cannot practice enough, and I am too ignorant about many things. I said I want to get A1, but how possible is it for me? Belief requires works to manifest into reality. I do not know how, but I'll get through somehow with effort. I do not know about my sciences. Though I've improved heaps and bounds since the last chemistry exam, I cannot deny that my standard is too precariously below par and if I need to get into ACJC, I must show Dr Lee that however bleak my results seemed during mid-year, I can still get in. My passion and desire to get into ACJC will never falter but instead burn even stronger as the day goes by. I must get in, I really must.
I am sick and tired of the almost countless "you can'ts" I hear from people. Once and for all, I'll show the world I am a son of God. And because I am a son of God, my potential is infinite. Self-delusion, I hear you say. But I refuse to comply, I call this "faith". With so many things to get by, I feel like a hand with sand in it. There is so much sand a hand can contain as in the end, the sand will still escape through the tiniest cracks and openings of the fingers. But the Holy Spirit is just like moisture, it clumps the sand gains together and allow my hand to sustain all the sand in it. In time, towards the end, with all the treatment of moisture and the moulding of the hand, it would all turn into a solid sphere of harden processed sand called a stone. And that stone would be so hard and sturdy I shall shatter all the barriers that once invaded my life.
"Greater is He who is in you than he who is in the world", "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me". It is because I know still, that the best is yet to be. With Jesus, what are all these to me?
posted by Jean-Baptiste at
1:38 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]
<< Home