Walking On

I've made countless promises to myself that I would no longer wallow in unhappiness and move on. Today, I kept pressing on. It felt the same, perhaps worse each day, but I know I need to get over it. Still, it never failed to let me understand that at the end of the day, I was still alone. Unwanted, unneeded and unloved. All that I've been trying to tell myself is that God still loves me, but it inevitably brought back countless of memories of the past.

I began to think of my Mother, somehow. I've come to realize that the only people who've loved me very dearly and unconditionally all the while is either Violet, Qixian, Zoe or my Mother. They have beautiful eyes, because they have the ability to see through what's outside, and appreciate the inner beauty of other people.

I can remember how Violet stood by me through all my mess, and persistently fought with me. She might not know what happened, or what caused me all those deep griefs, but all that she knew was that she had to stood by me and get me through it, no matter what - because she loved me. She is the most selfless person I have ever met in life, most honest, genuine and if there were a beauty peageant for hearts, she'd win hands down. But now being busy with burdens of life and studies, I've got less chance to speak to her. I interact with her almost...... no longer.

Qixian stuck with me through all my ups and downs in school and always gave me the simplest, yet wisest words. I remembered many times, I'd stay back in class and such, but Qixian used to always stay behind and waited for me. No one, in my life, has ever did that for me. He is not very vocal, brutally honest, but he was sincere. He is the most honest person I have ever met in my entire life and has been as encouraging as he was firm and honest. He does not lie to me, and tell me things - both bad and good - that I should know. Just him sticking with me and all the time we've spent, I am contented beyond words and even though I'm filled with grief that he's left me, I am thankful for everything he has done and the happiness he has given me. God, bring him back.

Zoe grew up with me, and I can say is the closest person I've ever had in my life. She knows much about me, she's been through much. Though as we grew up, we shared less of each other's presence and spent less time together, but the camaraderie between us never faltered. She's extremely unconditional in her love towards me, and we share a relationship greater than cousins or siblings. Regardless of how little/much we might know each other, we cannot deny one thing. We'll stick by each other no matter what. We're cousins, by blood, acquaintances, by destiny and for life. She cares for me, though we don't talk about it much, she loves me. I love her, my cousin, my sister, my friend. Though we see each other only fortnightly, the times I spent with her made me forget my loneliness, I no longer felt alone. If only it would last...... nevertheless, she made me realize that there are much more things to be happy for. It's always during the lowest times in my life, when I'm feeling the loneliest will she suddenly appear and let me know I'm not alone. I don't see her much, but she always comes during the times I'm alone, like an angel - a guardian angel.

If there's anybody I live for, it would be my Mother. Numerous times I've contemplated suicide, numerous. But always, I'd stop myself the very moment I thought of my Mother. Just by thinking of her, all my 16 years of life would come flashing back into my mind and I'd realize the pain and sufferings she has gone through, the unconditional love she has shown me and her ever-forgiving spirit. She loves me so much and sacrifices so much, so much that I feel extremely undeserving to be her son. I'd always remember my life with her as a child, those were the happiest moments of my life, before life robbed me away of my innocence. If there could be a part of my life which I could constantly replay over and over again, it'd be those childhood days I spent with my mother.

I remember how my father hasn't been too nice on my mother. I remember how my father treated my mother and I remember seeing numerous times, my mother breaking down in front of me, the first time back when I was still an infant. All I could do was hug my mother and tell her to stop crying. Telling her I love her, I did not know what happened or anything. All I understood was that when a person is sad, she would cry, and I used to think just by showing love, she'd be happy again. Perhaps, that is true afterall, not just a childhood mentality. Because I'm desperate for some of that as well. But ever since she's gone to work......

I supported her, and believed whatever she does is right. To me, she is ever righteous and was never wrong, a perfect figurine of human life. Through all these years, from the day she was borned till right now, she has been suffering, always suffering. So much that the deepest desire of my heart is to simply just see her happy. But ever since she started working, I observed her slowly becoming someone else, I didn't know who she was, but somehow, when she spoke to me sometimes, I knew she was still my mother. But somehow, it still felt like I've lost my mother. I do not blame her for anything at all, in fact I have no rights to. But since she's started work, she've almost forgot that she's a mother and a wife. Maybe she hasn't, and I am an ingrate for saying such things, but still, I did not know how to cope during that period of time. I felt lost. The sense of confusion which I've been trying to deny for months, it only accumulated and hit me back even harder.

But I cannot blame her, for years, my father hasn't given her much freedom. My father's the typical chauvinistic husband that is almost as egoistic. When one finally has the chance to have what she doesn't have, she'd not be able to see a limit to it. Perhaps, that is why my mother is more obsessed with her work now, and I cannot blame her. But still, I cannot understand why the pain still lingers in my heart, I do not know why do I even feel hurt for. I do not know whether to cry because I have lost my mother, or smile because maybe she's happier as she is now. All I can say is that, everyday, as much as I appear indifferent, void of emotions and perhaps optimistic, I desire deeply to see her and hug her, and tell her how much I love her.

I cannot deny, even though I am undeserving of much love, I desire to be loved. Maybe that's a very selfish and thick-skinned thing to ask, but I want to be loved. Everyday, when I walk to school and every afternoon, when I walk home alone, I'd realize how heavy each step felt. How it felt to have lost almost everything life gave you. Then you'd realize that...... nobody loves you anymore. That is when I look up into the skies and say, "God, if you hear me, let me feel love".

God is love, but His son hasn't been faithful. He has been too overwhelmed by all the loneliness in his life and his fatigue in fighting against storms alone. He needs hope, he needs love. He has no one else left in his life. His friends have left. His mother have left. His grandmother is leaving soon. He has no one else left.

If You hear my cries Lord, if You do, tell me I am not alone. Tell me You love me. Tell me I have people in life that loves me. Most of all, bring back all those that I have lost. I've promised to stand up and keep walking. I know I can get through all these because I am a child of God. I have dreams, visions, hopes and goals in life I want to achieve. But I know Lord, that inevitably, I cannot do it all alone. I need people in my life, I need to feel love.

Tell me I am not alone, please.

God Help the Outcasts

I don't know if You can hear me

Or if You're even there

I don't know if You would listen

To a sinner's prayer

Yes, I know I'm just an outcast

I shouldn't speak to You

Still I see Your face and wonder

Were You once an outcast too?

God help the outcasts

Hungry from birth

Show them the mercy

They don't find on earth

God help my people

We look to You still

God help the outcasts

Or nobody will

I ask for wealth

I ask for fame

I ask for glory to shine on my name

I ask for love I can possess

I ask for God and His angels to bless me

I ask for nothing

I can get by

But I know so many

Less lucky than I

Please help my people

The poor and downtrod

I thought we all were

the children of God

God help the outcasts

Children of God

Regardless of who you are, rich or poor, popular or unaccepted, famous or unwanted - you share the same skies with the world, the same God, the same love.

You are the apple of God's eye.

Vision

Faith is the substance of things hoped for and the evidence of things not yet seen.

~

Walking through the Guangyang secondary school gate, I felt like it is be my last time walking through it with it's uniform. With a deep breath of a feeling akin to anxiety and excitement, I ran down the incline slope down towards the lockers and up into the hall. I see Joy, she is screaming and jumping, I see him smiling and laughing then I see Miss Aljunied, she says, "Sae, there is no other teacher that can feel any prouder than me right now, you have made me extremely proud!". I look at the piece of beautiful laminated and officiated paper. What I saw almost literally embossed towards me.

English Language A1

Chinese Language A1

Elementary Mathematics A1

Science (Physics and Chemistry) A1

Biology A1

Humanities (Social Studies and History) A1

Total number of points : 6

Number of "O" level examinations sat for : 1

Allocated Junior College : Anglo Chinese Junior College

I fell down on my knees in disbelief and amazement, falling to the floor crying, all the precious people in my life embraced me with the purest joy I've ever felt. It wa so much joy that it emanated out of my heart right to the pores of my skin.

Then suddenly when I open my eyes amidst the joyful yet messy face, I see the people hugging me were no longer those that I know, but instead are the students of Anglo Chinese Junior College, my orientation mates in ACJC orientation camp 2009. I looked at all of them, then unwittingly manifested into a brilliant smile brimming with exuberance. This joy I felt was a joy that I've never felt before in my life. It was like a magnificent tempest rushing forth from the depth of my soul. Tears of tamed hysteria beaded my face with droplets of warmth and I stared at all these people again at disbelief. Qixian, Springsfield, Joy, and many more ACSians whom I know but not yet their names smiled at me with assurance.

I looked down at my body. It was no longer in stripes, it was two pockets, a white shirt with a blue inner collar and on that collar was a badge that shone in great grandeur and magnificence. It was the badge of ACS - red, yellow, blue, with the picture of a wyvern; a lion head, dragon body, eagle wings and talons. Then the Lord said, "this is the time of your life, My dear son, the ACSian scholar". Together with all my college mates, we stood together and sang the ACS school anthem together in seamless unity. I was no longer lonely or insecure, I was an ACSian, an ACSian from Anglo Chinese Junior College, Hallelujah!

I was happy, such pure emotion only describable by the simplest word. I was filled with delirious ecstacy, full of friends, no more loneliness or insecurity, no more despair and helplessness. God said, "son, you were and never will be alone, when you lost your only friends and meaning in life, I was with you. when you were crying in despair, grief and pain, My heart and your's are one". I looked into the infinite skies, I turned and took a good look at all my friends again. My heart, the heavens, my spirit and soul then echoed as one to the Anglo Chinese School's everlasting motto - the best is yet to be.

I tried asking a few questions, creating some talk or something. But it simply turned out that he really dislikes me after all. Well, what can I say? I'm a bloody horrible person to start with, a rotten friend.

Still, I've been disabled of the ability to trust anymore. He and some people used to make me believe that I would never have to face loneliness anymore, that I was no longer alone and have friends. I couldn't have been more stupid but to totally take their existence as pillars of my life, they became my reason to live. His companionship became the reason I do not mind going to school. Because through many things, I had come to realize he was there for me, when no one was willing to acknowledge me, he was still there for me, regardless of how rough the storm was.

No one would ever know the feeling of finally having broken out of loneliness after such long, painful period of helplessness. No one would ever know how it feels to finally have a friend, have a support, have a person who gives you some reason to live for. Jeanette, him, and some people, they had become the pillars of my life, who are the reasons I live for. But after all, he was the one he stuck with me most, someone I knew I could trust. Before that, I was too traumatized to find people to trust, love and believe in. Now, I'm back to history.

I've come to realize that my attitude is truly horrendous. But nevertheless, I think I deserve it all, I've come to believe how truly worthless I am. Perhaps, I'm better off dead. I am undeserving of love, from anybody.

But still, do you know how bloody painful it fucking feels? When all the meaning in your life gets swiped just like that?! I know how fucking rotten a person I am. I know how disgusting I can be. Why couldn't you just tell me straight!? Why do you just go away like that? Can't you just fucking tell me my bloody problems? You made me believe I had a friend, that I was worthy for friendship, that God loves me and I will not be alone. But why do you fucking do this to me? I'd rather not have had these damn things happen in my life because at least hopelessness is not as painful as the loss of hope! I fucking hate you! Why can't you just tell me what's wrong with me? You know I will change, I've changed so much from the past. I'm bloody sure you understand how fucking you are important to me because I have no one else left in my life! Why do you still do this to me? My mother left me, my grandmother is leaving me, I have nobody else in life, the world hates me and I thought I had found love, found people whom I can call friends, of which the dearest one is you. I sound like a fucking gay fag right now but you don't fucking know how important you are to me as a friend. In fact, the word "friend" is something I am undeserving to have. Yet everything just crumbles down like this.

Why is life robbing away people close to me? Why is life taking away people who give meaning to my existence!? My mother, my friend, everything I work so hard for and live for. Why must life take away the meaning of my existence!?

WHY? FUCKING WHY!? I have come to learn that I am undeserving of any love at all, and I must not love. Because it would only end up killing me, because no matter how I try, it would all end up destroyed.

I hate myself. I have the bloodiest shit of mass ever produced. Just stop giving me anymore hopes, none of them are real! I am nobody, take away my soul, my emotions, just stop torturing me!

ARGH, FUCK IT!

Frozen

I'm sick and tired. Extremely tired.
I need a friend...

Truth

I'd have already known it very long ago, but I just chose to not acknowledge it. Now, finally, I've forced myself to accept it. The truth will always be the truth and I believe it sets me free. It hurts so much, it's excrutiating, but I know that denial acts like a silent plague, it'd only keep breeding the virus and in the end overwhelm your whole body. Therefore, while I'd have to face tremendous hurt, I have to stop lying to myself or else it gets the better of me in the end.

Now, I'm blessed with a second chance. Another strive for my Jerusalem and another chance to race again. I am sad to say, I did not pass the audition. But then, in midst of all the difficulty in coming terms with the truth and all my tear-filled prayers, I was given a second chance. A second shot of faith, another race of hope, another leap for Jerusalem. And this time, with the second chance, I'm not letting it go so easily anymore.

I dare say I sacrificed and worked to my maximum for the previous audition. But I know that through God, I have got no limit to progress. This time, I can only work harder, much harder, and display my passion for all to see. My dreams, they never die.

Once again, I'd like to repeat the Sae I see everyday.

I see Sae taking the train to Buona Vista. I see Sae walking to school. I see Sae at the gate of Jerusalem. The wall emblazoned with the name, "Anglo Chinese Junior College", which almost shines in magnification of the badge worn on Sae's collar - "ACS". He holds his instrument case in his hand, joining the band, playing together with the AC Saxes, he shows that he is no longer inadequate, he shows that he is a true ACSian, the ACSian who lives for ACS, a rightful member of the ACS band. He looks up at the sky, he tells himself, "this is no longer a dream. Sae-Israel belongs to ACJC, he is an ACSian. Kissing his cross and saying a silent prayer of thankfulness, he enters the wholesome new life of an ACSian.

I do not believe I am inadequate, I'm only afraid that I'm powerful beyond imagination.

I am a child of God.

Right to be Wrong, Wrong to be Right

Start being wrong and suddenly anything is possible.

You're no longer trying to be infallible.

You're in the unknown. There's no way of knowing what can happen, but here's more chance of it being amazing than if you try to be right.

Of course, being wrong is a risk.

People worry about suggesting stupid ideas because of what others will think.

You will have been in meetings where new thinking has been called for. at your original suggestion.

Instead of saying, 'That's the kind of suggestion that leads us to a novel solution', the room goes quiet, they look up to the ceiling, roll their eyes and return to the discussion.

Risks are a measure of people. People who won't take them are trying to preserve what they have.

People who do take them often end up by having more.

Some risks have a future, and some people call them wrong. But being right may be like walking backwards proving where you've been.

Being wrong isn't in the future, or in the past.

Being wrong isn't anyway but being here.

Best place to be, eh?

Being right is based upon knowledge and experience and is often provable.

Knowledge comes from the past, so it's safe. It is also out of date. It's the opposite from originality.

Experience is built from solutions to old situations and problems. The old situations are probably different from the present ones, so that old solutions will have to bend to fit new problems (and possibly fit badly). Also the likelihood is that, if you've got the experience, you'll probably use it.

This is lazy.

Experience is the opposite of being creative.

If you can prove you're right, you're set in concrete. You cannot move with the times or with other people.

Being right is also being boring. Your mind is closed. You are not open to new ideas. You are rooted in your own rightness, which is arrogant. Arrogance is a valuable tool, but only if used very sparingly.

Worst of all, being right has a tone of morality about it. To be anything else sounds weak or fallible, and people who are right would hate to be thought fallible.

So: it's wrong to be right, because people who are right are rooted in the past, rigid-minded, dull and smug.

There's no point talking to them.

On My Own

It's killing me. Seriously.

I'd rather you tell me straight in the face, "I hate you" than do all this shit to me. Even when I attempted to break the ice and called him to inform him about some things, all he does is give me artic. Do you know how so damn bloody painful is it the way you're doing things?

I don't know what to do, it's breaking me apart, seriously.

So many things, one single entity. My voyage back in time seems to be getting so fast. The loneliness is tearing me apart and I've succumbed to emotional eating.

A sensation of pleasure mixed with disgust and fear, only finishing in worthlessness and madness. Each bite releases surges of pent-up frustration only to be rebounded with grotesque. The relief only reciprocated with heavier self-hatred. Argh, I hate all this, but I cannot control myself.

Honestly, I'm just wrecking my life all over again, and I have a dream to fulfil. But I am so tired of all this. Tired of always being cheerful, tired of smiling all the time even though I'm always set back upon all these stuffs, tired of my home, tired of everything. My incompetency in my studies has made it worse. And it's bloody frustrating how I cannot grasp concepts even after slugging through multitudes of questions.

The best is yet to be, the best is yet to be, the best is yet to be. I must clear my mind and focus on that one direction. Please stop wrecking my life like that, I've had quite enough.

ACJC, my Jerusalem, I must enter.

And now I'm all alone again,

Nowhere to turn, no one to go to.

Without a home, without a friend,

Without a face to say hello to.

And now the night is near,

Now I can make believe he's here.

Sometimes I walk alone at night

When everybody else is sleeping.

I think of him, and then I'm happy

With the company I'm keeping.

The city goes to bed,

And I can live inside my head.

On my own,

Pretending he's beside me.

All alone,

I walk with him till morning.

Without him,

I feel his arms around me,

And when I lose my way I close my eyes

And he has found me.

In the rain,

The pavement shines like silver.

All the lights

Are misty in the river.

In the darkness,

The trees are full of starlight,

And all I see is him and me for ever and forever.

And I know

It's only in my mind,

That I'm talking to myself

And not to him.

And although I know that he is blind,

Still I say,

There's a way for us.

-"On My Own", Les Miserables.

Straightening things out

Alright, I'm starting to get overwhelmed by the alarming rate the clock is ticking.

In less than a month, it's prelims. After which, you'd get 6 meagre weeks - and it's "O" levels already.

Must. Study. Till. My. Mind. Explodes.

"The Best is Yet to Be" - Anglo-Chinese School*.

*see me there soon - very, very soon. Because "O" levels is ending, my days in ACJC will be starting. Call me stupid because I do not even know if I can get there. But you'll see who's the stupid one soon, very, very, soon (:

Temporary Rant

It's been quite tiring, so many things. So many issues. I hate to rant, and often say that wise are the ones who solve problems instead of complain about problems. But I guess, I just needed an outlet. Perhaps just scream everything out and then move on. I might just feel lighter, I guess.

I've always hated to say this, but I'm still having monetary issues. Tuition fees - up till now, I still owe my tuition teacher a huge sum of money, and I can see he is still very frustrated, with the rising oil prices and all - my tuition teacher is in an unfavourable amount of debt too. And also, my parents themselves are facing problems paying the bills already. With rising petrol prices, my father is taking a direct hit as well from all this strain. And it is not their fault my tuition fees cannot be paid, it is mine. Because in effort to pay off my saxophone tutor's fee, I've took quite an amount off my subject tuition teacher's fees. Furthermore, I need to buy a mouthpiece and ligature soon because I can't be using 4C forever, to spend all these money, I need to have improvement. Then next is grandma's meals and even certain expenditures. And as much as I want to help, I feel completely helpless because my father does not want me to work part time. And I really respect and love him for that because he cares for my studies. What can I do?

Next, musically, I've got to improve. I haven't improve at all since last month in my musical aspect. My tone is much better now, but for some reason it totally cranked up during the audition. My sight-reading isn't getting any better and I'm not getting stable tones or anything. My embouchure still goes out-of-place many times and my air support has deteriorated. And my knowledge on scales, after working so hard, isn't really up to standard yet. Furthermore, in theory, I'm still quite stagnant in my knowledge, not learning anything yet. I feel very pressured. Now that the audition has an almost 0% percent of success rate, I'm casting all my stakes on the appeal instead. And if my playing isn't getting any better, I can forget about appealling already. Most importantly, I cannot get over the uneasy feeling that Fary doesn't really like me, and neither does some of her section mates. It makes me feel almost that it might jeopardise my chances. It was quite daunting to see the look of Fary's face during audition. I could see I've caused her to look down on me. And it is my aptitude that is lacking. God, help me.

And then I have my family, everyone's cranked up. It's messy as hell at home and everytime my mother or father comes back, they're feel even more pressured, adding on to their pressure from work. I'd keep the place clean but it will always end up untidy and horrendous thanks to my sister and I am at my limits on what to do. And it pains me how my mother, already so pressurized from work, has to face all the mess as well as my sister's utter disrespect and my father's paranoia. My father, being the chauvinistic and egocentric man he is, still finds it difficult to accept my mom's working hours and all he'd ever do is to quarrel with her in the middle of the night. But I cannot blame my father because after all, my mother has a family. And she should've known better than to come back to late. After all, her job isn't exactly that of a glamourous one and if you may say, not what mothers should do. She should have a better idea of her husband as well as her having of a family than to work to such hours. And it pains me to see how my sister has to grow up in such traumatizing childhood yet all I want to do is to escape from the wretched family. But still, because my grandmother is sick, I have to walk the last lap with her.

My grandmother's condition is not very optimistic as well. Her appetite is constantly dwindling and it pains me to see how weak she sometimes is. Yet despite it all, her stubborn will to live and her mental strength is so great that she does not want to express uncomfort towards us and never fails to love us whole-heartedly. She's been getting stomach upsets and even more frequent spells of nausea and she's still fighting on. As a grandson, there is no greater desire for me than to suffer in her place. Honestly, and ironically, it is most painful to me when she appears strong even in her suffering. I've been desperate to get her to eat and thus scouring for all sources of food.

And in midst of all these, I've succumbed to emotional eating to cope with all the pressure and it's killing me. The damned feeling of conciousness of eating too much slaps you in the face and you feel like the most wasted person on earth. And through the holidays and all, I've been eating like a swine and I'm returning to the past in an alarming rate. It's daunting how everytime I bathe, I feel different when I'm scrubbing my body and how the clothes I used to wear feels different on me now. And I start getting comments about how I've visibly gained weight and such. It's tearing me apart yet I have lost all control over myself and am helpless. I'm so fat, I feel like I could die and I'm starting to resort to all the senseless methods I've used in the past. It's tearing me upon emotionally and the tear-jerking feeling when I look at the mirror is returning. I hate myself.

Leaving that aside, my relationship with my friend in school hasn't been to great as well and I still feel lonely. He doesn't know how horrible it feels on me and the way he acts so distant and cold to me is killing me. I kept trying to warm up to him, and finding an opportunity to have a proper talk with him to find out what's happening, but to no avail. Honestly, he is one of my only few friends and is therefore extremely precious, like a support in my life. Without this support in my life, I feel like I'm ready to collapse any time soon. And the silence we'd have between us is extremely deafening. Yet all I can do is to put up an optimistic front because I don't want to become an irritant to him. Most importantly, the feeling of loneliness is terrifying - and it's all returning to me now. Honestly, even though I've forced myself to change and "blossom" - inside, I'm feeling alone and scared. Everyone hates me, I do not know who to turn to. And my mind doesn't help by always having me uncontrollably reminiscing all the fond memories and how I felt to have a friend. I've degraded to silently sobbing in the toilet to keep myself stable and maintaining optimism. The loss of a pillar is causing me to lose concentration in my lessons and it's become hard for me not to feel the loneliness. Especially during wednesdays, when I've to sit at those places. I'm turning quite sick with all these coldness, and it's robbing my mind away.

Academically, I've been struggling to stay on track. Yes, teachers might be unhappy about me not handing in my work. But I've been feeling too messed up to even think. And I'm struggling to hard to concentrate without thinking about everything I've typed above. It's like, I cannot concentrate on my tuition at all without thinking of my unableness to pay the fees. And the reaction I'd get from him makes me feel all the more wrecked as I give up hope on my chemistry. And for accounts, the feeling I'd get attending Mr Goh's class all the time would make me feel like a wastrel. I really do not know where my worth lies. And even so, in chinese, I've totally wrecked my "O" levels and it's killing me how I might get satisfactory marks. And I'm so damn afraid I cannot get into ACJC with such results. But yet at the rate I am going, I feel like I am plunging myself into doom faster than before. Sometimes, I still cannot get myself to study. And even if I study, I still cannot concentrate. My grades aren't improving, and I slap myself for that. I hate myself, and I still am unable to comprehend my stupidity. Even english, how can I be so bloody confident on an A1 at all? I do not know if I can even write a proper essay now. It's driving quite crazy.

I'm honestly quite tired of everything but all I desire is to finally get to ACJC. The price and the effort required is straining me dry - Lord, give me hope, give me strength for a better future.

Again, I ask not for lighter burdens but for stronger shoulders. Echoing the ACS motto, I will still tell the world, "the best is yet to be!".

Alright, enough of ranting. Now that I've vented all my frustrations, I will fix them all one by one. I still declare, I will be from ACJC, come what may.

Untitled

Let's walk backwards in the aisle of time
and bask in the retrospection.
If God gives a second chance,
let me do my dance,
even if it's a swan's song.
I'd change my present and embrace reminiscence
and have those tears extinct.
Give me a chance,
to live a life.

Embracing Paradoxes

Her condition's been aggravating a lot recently.

She's still optimistic - very optimistic, in fact - and despite the pain she's going through, she stubbornly refuses to show it. She finds it hard to eat sometimes, and shunned my aunt away for offering food. To be honestly, she might not even be a nice person to people who aren't her family members. But still, such determination and strong will to live on, how many humans in the world are able to achieve that? And perhaps that's why I am a stubborn person as well.

I've chosen to stubbornly stay cheerful with her and continue buying food for her. I've chosen to reciprocate her willingness to eat by going any lengths to get her food. I've learnt a lot from this frail old lady. Stubbornness, yes, it does turn people off. But it helps you get through the roughest edges in life. Like how I'm pursuing music stubbornly regardless of all the incredulous odds and such.

Well, the doctor said she's at the final stages of her life and the cancer's kicking in. Yet she still has such strong will to live on. That, the doctor is extremely impressed. Everyone's contemplating whether to tell her the truth or not. But still, they've decided against it. Personally, I'd hope they told her.

Am I insane - you might ask. But I've come to realize that nothing is more painful to a human being than to see their love ones being hurt. And they're afraid that grandma would not be able to take the news. But the truth is, I think they're more afraid of being hurt themselves. Because, regardless of grandma being able to take the news or not, they'd end up being the ones being hurt. It's a very ironic psychological mechanism we humans have been in-borned with. And it's such paradox as well. The important thing is, because grandma is left with limited time, she should be given the grace to know how much time has she left. Yes, it might be extremely terrifying to come upon the revelation that you're left with an amount of time quite specifically predicted. Still, it is then you'd cherish each day even more and live to the fullest. At least she'd be given the chance to recollect everything she's been through as well as take the opportunity to fulfil all her unfulfilled dreams for one last time before she dies. And you will at least want to live in a way such that you'd want to make as much memories as possible everyday.

I remember watching the 9pm drama on channel 8 one day. And I've been enlightened with a profound understanding from a small boy dealing with the death of his goldfish. It seemed so simple, yet it is a very basic fact us adults - who oftenly complicate things for ourselves - cannot seem to grasp. He said, "I was very sad, but I know that even if my goldfish is gone, I can still have the memories with it with me. It doesn't matter how long the time we've spent together, but the memories that we can have from it".

Life is a piece of canvas whereupon you are the artist. When art is done too meticulously, the artist usually have the tendency to neglect the meaning to it, making it too technical and losing it's aestheticality. Whereby it'd become an impressive piece of art but not an impactful piece of art because it was created to impress and not to express. But because as artists who have experienced much through the years and are greater in our skills, we tend to like to do art complicated, and lost the ability to appreciate things in simplicity, simply because we think they'd appear better. But we refuse to realize that the greatest life lessons and experiences come from the simplest sources. That, is life - learning to see sophistication in simplicity, the beauty in adversity, the love in hostility - people always look upon only the surface. They don't see the greater meaning to what God had place into their lives.

I browse through many blogs of people of age and all I see is the constant ranting upon their parents not caring for them, being irresponsible and such. But I'd like to ask, what have you done for them? Humans are selfish creatures, we always ask for things, and when they are not given, we're upset. But how many times have we given the things people asks of us? And as children, we'd complain that the parents are irresponsible for not providing certain needs they have, yet never have they placed themselves in the shoes of their parents and understanding their needs instead. We say they're irresponsible for not doing this for us and that for us, then how responsible are we actually for complaining that they are irresponsible, when they've brought us up for so many years? Happily, or not, it was they who have given us life and even the opportunity for you to even complain. Can you deny you haven't felt happy your whole life before? If you say you haven't, I'd wish to slap you. Because happiness is a choice and you have no rights to blame the world if you do not wish to be happy.

I've had enough of the world constantly blaming and blaming, no one ever understands what they themselves have done. From small scale to big scale, families to governments and nations. People always push blames so that they do not have to accept fault. They'd always preach about learning from faults and mistakes but yet be the ones always pushing blames around.

And I'm not saying one should consume all the blame and cultivate it in us to the point it becomes self-condemnation and low self-esteem. That's an unwise personal choice as well, because what you do ultimately affects everyone, not just yourself. So when you start harnessing all the blame and hurt in you, you start to hate yourself. And because what's inside you manifests subconciously, you'd affect people too. And you would become a very miserable person, because your misery makes people around you miserable too - and no one likes to be miserable. And therefore, by condemning yourself, you're plunging yourself into an abyss of unhappiness. What I am trying to say is that, like the food you eat. Take blame as it is. Understand it's taste and how it makes you feel, the sensation and all the lesson that comes along with it. While going through your bodily processes, your body would absorb all the nutrients - the lessons that make you grow, the qualities and growth you'd have attained from the mistake, etc. - and the remaining "blame", devoid of anymore life lessons to learn, are waste products, whereby they should be thrown away and let go. Holding on too much "blame" - a waste product" - would cause you "constipation" and toxify yourself. Whereby in this cause, self-condemnation and such. And the effects are quite dire.

That was one heck of a metaphor, but still, yes, I'd really hope the world would stop blinding themselves and yet whine about the unhappiness life brings when they can actually achieve happiness. Well, you might say I haven't gone through what you have and all that. But it makes me ask, "does that give you the damn excuse to not be happy?". If you choose to be unhappy, so be it. It is not because you're feeling sad that you are unhappy, but it's because you choose not to let go. You chose to toxify your body with all the condemnation and not want to learn from your lessons and be a stronger person.

I'd just wish the world would learn to stop blinding themselves with just the superficial things and start growing up. Emotions are beautiful things - they make humans, humans. It's all these sadness, anger, envy, etc. that brings colour to our lives. They are confusing and extremely difficult to control, no one can deny. But still, though emotions is life, we'd not be living a life at all if we get stuck in one emotion and not move on. Life, is a paradox that we must live.

And, this might seem out of place, but I love ACJC! and regardless of anything, I am going to be studying there next year, come what may. Call me idealistic and tell me to dream on, but because I am stubborn, I will never give in. For ACJC, for music, for life - the best is yet to be.

"Until I let go, gave into love, watched all the bitterness burn.
Now I'm coming alive - body and soul, feeling my world start to turn"

Dire Effects of Boredom

Disclaimer : the following is a product of randomness birth forth by the dire effects of boredom. If you have unhappiness against Lee Hwa Jewellery or anything, don't look for me, go smash Lee Hwa's glass doors or something. And darlings, no copyright infringement intended.

I was created by fire to set your hearts ablaze

I've seen the purest of light and all I wanted was to see your face

I am your destiny, meet me at Lee Hwa.

:D Lee Hwa Jewellery

Even the computer agrees

WHAT MAJOR IS RIGHT FOR YOU? created with QuizFarm.com

You scored as Visual&PerformingArts You should strongly consider majoring (or minoring) in the Visual or Performing Arts (e.g., Art, Art Education, Art History, Ceramics, Culinary Arts, Dance, Drawing, Fashion Design, Film, Graphic Design, Interior Design, Marketing (advertising), Music, Music Education, Music Theory, Painting, Photography, Theatre). It is possible that the best major for you is your 2nd, 3rd, or even 5th listed category, so be sure to consider ALL majors in your OTHER high scoring categories (below). You may score high in a category you didnt think you would--it is possible that a great major for you is something you once dismissed as not for you. The right major for you will be something 1) you love and enjoy and 2) are really great at it. Consider adding a minor or double majoring to make yourself standout and to combine your interests. Please post your results in your myspace/blog/journal. Visual&PerformingArts 100% English/Journalism/Comm 94% Education/Counseling 88% Religion/Theology 81% Psychology/Sociology 81% French/Spanish/OtherLanguage 75% History/Anthropology/LiberalArts 69% Nursing/AthleticTraining/Health 56% PoliticalScience/Philosophy 44% HR/BusinessManagement 38% Biology/Chemistry/Geology 31% Accounting/Finance/Marketing 13% Mathematics/Statistics 13% Physics/Engineering/Computer 6%

In Revelation

To love is to see the face of God.

Reminder

Whatever it is, whatever happens. I don't really care.

I'm thankful, no matter what.

Well, perhaps I can't really accept it after all. It's... too difficult.

53

Twenty plus six used to be a pillar

the addition, my motivation.

Supportive, never faltering

I thought he was one never leaving.

The realist he is rooted me,

the idealist that makes free.

Then twenty-seven subtracted seven,

lost himself and the rest of his soul.

He became such an idiot, 26 hated him immediate.

Along came twenty-seven plus 4

who lost 4 and became 27.

Twenty-seven lost his identity-

he is at loss and hated himself.

Twenty-six hated him, ignored him.

Always, he'd treat others with such warmth.

Yet to twenty-seven, it was akin to the artic.

Every day 3 of 7 days,

we'd have to sit together.

Talking was disabled,

and is but a fond memory deeply etched in twenty-seven.

Through the many hours,

silence peaked in decibels -

deafening as can be.

Yet once he turns his back,

or comes into the present of

artifical 27,

chatty as he can ever be.

The legitimate 27 lost.

Who is 27 to speak anyway?

53 is now 57.

27 lost his voice and died.

For My Jerusalem

I have come to realize how powerful dreams can really be.

I've seen many people, and so have you - almost everyone you see, feel unhappy about their lives. To be honest, even myself too. But I've come to realize that through all these trials and tribulations, I haven't given up nor have I felt unhappy about anything - even if there are, I just let it go. Why so? Because I've come to learn how to look into my dreams, aspirations and visions.

As you take a walk through the society, you see many angry people. Some unhappy with their lives, some with their jobs, some with their insufficiencies, etc. But when you ask them, what do they really want, they can't give you an outright solid answer. Most of the time, it's probably something material and short-term. Like, more money, for some sickness to be gone etc. They don't realize that some things have already happened, or need to be worked toward. And they tend to shrug off a dream as well, just a dream.

I have to admit, I'm a pretty stubborn person. And through all these hardships and sneering, I've stubbornly clung on to my dreams. People dismiss me as a gullible, naive fool. Maybe. But nevertheless, I realize that it is because of my stubbornness, I've been able to brave through all those unhappiness and difficulties life has blessed me with. Because with vision and dreams comes direction, and that direction illuminates so powerfully that you realize whatever obstacles you face in the darkness becomes clearer and less difficult as you reach nearer and nearer to your destination.

I do not deny how idealistic I really am. I have lofty dreams high up above in the sky and some, as people say, are not realistic. Perhaps. But I've chose not to believe in impossibilities. I prefer to believe that they are just possibilities not yet proven possible. It is because of my dreams I remain optimistic about life. It is because of my dreams I live with purpose and meaning. It is because of my dreams I am strong.

Like Coach Elgin said, truly, the cemetery and graveyards are the richest places on earth. Simply because they're filled with the multitudes of dreams people had before death. But these dreams are sadly dreams that people die unfulfilled. And many times, it is because they've thought that those dreams were impossible to be fulfilled, before they even tried. People are scared of their dreams, because when sacrifices are not reciprocated, people get hurt. But I'd like to say, it is because of sacrifice and lessons we grow and achieve.

Right now, every inch of my body is trembling, because my DSA audition for my the "Jerusalem" of my dreams is tomorrow. Through all these months, I've put in tremendous efforts and sacrifice for that very moment tomorrow. I'm truly anxious and nervous. But, because I have a dream, and I'm just these few steps away from my dreams, I pray hard to God in heaven. Truly let His will be done. Dr Lee, please see my passion and my deep, profound love for music and ultimately my very desperate desire to get in to ACJC and be your student. Please look into my eyes, and hear my spirit scream in dedication and hunger for music.

Once again, at this final few laps, the image of myself is becoming clearer and clearer.

I see Sae. He is looking very smart and hopeful wearing the ACJC uniform he has yearned for so long. He looks up at the sky, the sun has rose, he carries his bag pack and walks into the junior college along the roads of Dover Close. Taking another deep breath and smiling, he sets his eyes onto his school logo on his shirt then kissing his cross, he walks in. Welcome to Jerusalem. In his hands, is an instrument case and in it lies his catalyst of destiny - a saxophone. He, Sae Seah Chun Heng, identified as S9270667B, birthed February 3rd, 1992, is a student at the Anglo-Chinese Junior College.

Tomorrow, at the audition, my greatest fear is not that I am inadequate, but that I would be powerful beyond measure. In Jesus name, I am a student at the Anglo-Chinese Junior College, Hallelujah!

Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate,
but that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us.
We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant,
gorgeous, handsome, talented and fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.

Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people won't feel insecure around you.

We were born to make manifest the glory of God within us.
It is not just in some; it is in everyone.

And, as we let our own light shine, we consciously give
other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our fear,
our presence automatically liberates others.

-Nelson Mandela