Miracles, post dedicated to Benjamin Low

I'm crying and bawling my eyes out right now. Not due to sorrow, but due to myriads of emotions synonym to the likes of "ecstasy", "disbelief" and most importantly, "gratitude."

I've broke down one time too many in prayers before the Lord due to what I've been carrying through. But I've always thanked Him for all that has happened because ultimately, it makes achievement much sweeter. I deny not, I've felt stress-laden with all that has been happening - my grandmother's struggle with cancer, my domestic unrest, my academic woes, my mountains of debts, my musical pursuit, etc - but all I know is that, because of these, the Lord's been able to maximise my capacity and I'm thankful. Because in all my prayers, I say, "I do not ask for lighter burden, just stronger shoulders." And if He decides to put me in all these, He'll bring me through all these. And that was when Benjamin Low offered me a chance to perform with him for commission. That very moment, I broke down and cried like I've never sobbed in years. You don't know how that felt, like a great intangible force - of hope - slamming upon your mind and body. Like suddenly, amidst the Sahara, you see an oasis. I thought it was a mirage, then again, it was real. I've never met such selfless person. And I just cried out my heart of all the accumulated stress I've endured through and ask him, "why do you want to do this for me?"

"Because you're a close friend."

I felt like someone appreciated me. Benjamin Low, my God-given brethren, you do not know the impact you've made with one sentence alone. Seemingly casual, but powerful. I felt liberated, I felt like Moses finally leading his people out of Egypt, I felt no longer like I was fighting this all alone. Someone understood my plight and most of all, my prayer came true. And this is when I realize what the bible says is truly, and undoubtedly, trustworthy.

"Ask and you shall receive, seek and you shall find."

And there upon, the moment in time, I was in this hysteria with delirium churning in the pits of my stomach. I can't really explain it, I haven't got the words. It's a feeling that you can't control. It's like that you've been crying, and you're empty and you're full. I was flying, like a bird, but shot with impulses of electricity. I believe this is a synthesis of ecstacy and disbelief wrapped up by hope, very thrilling.

Benjamin Low came to my school when I was primary 5, formerly from Saint Andrew's. And then on, I never remembered a single moment when he was selfish - I say this with absolute honesty. His birthday was the first birthday party I went to. And he was one of those few people whom relate in exact same frequency with me in terms of music. I even remember poignantly how he actually transcribed and rearrange the whole piece of "Light of Dawn" into a piano masterclass. It stole the whole band's spirits away and each tinkling of the ivory was embraced with wide-eyed stares and dropped jaws. It was enchanting yet amazing at the same time. And that was not it, even after graduation from primary school, he hasn't changed. I organized a class gathering, and it was a fluke. But he stood by my side. That was when I fully came to appreciate him because I was already a teenage and I've learnt to be more appreciative. I've come to see his selflessness and generousity. I can never remember any incident when I got hurt by him at all. And even now, after almost 4 years, he is still the Benjamin I came to know.

I cannot thank God enough for having this dearest brethren come into my life. Even after such long time, when people have forgotten each other and moved on, he never forgot me and almost immediately offered salvation to my plight. I was caught shocked yet amazed at his selflessness for a friend he hasn't been talking to for four years. Honestly, even up till now, about an hour since the conversation was over, I still cannot bring myself to believe the miracle God has placed into my life. This has brought the song, "When You Believe" to continuously replay over in my mind. The very poignant lyrics, oh so apt.

Benjamin Low, once again, in the messy state of delirium, I'd like to thank you once again with all my heart for the hope you've given me. You're my prayer answered and every tear I've shed represents the liberation you've brought for me. The sweat and blood I've sacrificed.

You're a Miracle. You're the prayer God reciprocated to me, Hallelujah.

Many nights we've prayed
With no proof anyone could hear
In our hearts a hopeful song
We barely understood

Now we are not afraid
Although we know there's much to fear
We were moving mountains
Long before we knew we could

There can be miracles
When you believe
Though hope is frail
It's hard to kill
Who knows what miracles
You can achieve
When you believe
Somehow you will,
You will when you believe

In this time of fear
When prayer so often proves in vain
Hope seemed like the summer birds
Too swiftly flown away

Yet now I'm standing here
My heart's so full, I can't explain
Seeking faith and speaking words
I never thought I'd say

There can be miracles
When you believe
Though hope is frail
It's hard to kill
Who knows what miracles
You can achieve
When you believe
Somehow you will,
You will when you believe

So in times when all your hope is gone
And you go through life afraid
In your heart there lies a hopeful song
That is there to guide the way
And all the hurt and all the pain
You soon will learn was not in vain
For all your prayers, they will be heard
They'll come to pass through faith

There can be miracles
When you believe
Though hope is frail
It's hard to kill
Who knows what miracles
You can achieve
When you believe
Somehow you will,
You will when you believe

Once again, thank you.

And I Mount on the Edge, Ready to Roar

I've thought long and hard about my results and goal setting. Revised it.

Best case scenario :

English A1
Chinese B3
Math A2
Humanities A2
Science A2
Biology B3

total, 13.

Moderate case scenario :

English A1
Chinese B3
Math B3
Humanities B3
Science A2
Biology B3

total, 15

Worst case scenario :

English A1
Chinese B4
Math B4
Humanities B3
Science B4
Biology B4

total, 20.

For english, I've been working on it during the holidays. It should hopefully regain aptitude.

For chinese, I've decided to retake my "O" levels and is making a point about doing one paper 2 every week as well as write an essay every saturday.

For math, I've made wednesdays and saturdays my paper 1 revision and paper 2 revision days. Since math is built up on practice, I've decided to make monday my algebra day, tuesday my trigonometry day, thursday and fridays doing through 10-years series topically.

For science, physics, I've been doing 10-years series throughout the holiday except for the electricity chapter. So, I'm going to take every odd days to revise through electricity chapter. After that, it would be 10-year series full paper every wednesday and sunday.

For chemistry, I've started studying organic chemistry as led by Miss Kim. Thereby which, I've decided to concentrate on it while my tuition teacher helps me go through inorganic chemistry. This is the subject I am least confident about, therefore I shall spend most of my tuition time doing this and every even days will be my chemistry days.

Biology. This, I believe cannot be completed through last minute mugging. I've decided to go through it topically as well but not too intensively because it is memory work. Over studying only cause backfiring. I've decided to dedicate the wednesday afternoons without remedial to study my biology. And so is the train journeys to church on sundays. Sunday nights will be dedicated to essay questions testing on the stuffs I've studied throughout the week.

Humanities, I believe too, cannot be completed through last minute mugging. I've decided to do study a sub-chapter of social studies on odd days and a sub-chapter of history on even days. A sub-chapter is pretty small, therefore, it can be done at night everyday. Saturday nights will be the nights where I will be doing exam papers for social studies and history alternately. Which means one sub-humanity exam paper will be done every fortnight.

For accounts...... I really don't know what to say/do. I feel like a bloody ungrateful wastrel when I attend Mr Goh's class because even though he's putting so much effort in teaching, it is not reciprocated by me and the point isn't because I don't want to but because I really can't. I tried studying and memorizing but they get forgotten easily because I can't understand. Whatever, I'm the epitome of pure stupidity. Blargh.

But I dare say, this might work out. Or this may also be just another idealistic fantasy. One thing for sure, I am going to ACJC, come what may.

And I'll taste every moment and live it out loud
I know this is the time; this is the time to be
More than a name or face in the crowd
I know this is the time; this is the time of my life
Time of my life

NINJA!?

Seriously, I haven't laughed so crazily for so long. I read what I think is the coolest official report ever. Honest. See it for yourself.



School locked down after 'NINJA' sighted in woods

AP - Thursday, June 26
BARNEGAT, N.J. - It's the case of the nonexistent ninja. Public schools in Barnegat were locked down briefly after someone reported seeing a ninja running through the woods behind an elementary school.

Turns out the ninja was actually a camp counselor dressed in black karate garb and carrying a plastic sword.
Police tell the Asbury Park Press the man was late to a costume-themed day at a nearby middle school.
The lockdown began shortly after 9 a.m. Wednesday and lasted until 9:30.
___
Information from: Asbury Park Press, http://www.app.com

Me : WHAT THE......!? God Bless America.

Hollow

I just realized I forgotten how to feel anymore. I don't know why, perhaps I've been too tired or been too emotional for too long a period - I "feel" very numb and indifferent. I feel empty and hollow, and it's not a negative or positive thing. Just, no emotions. Perhaps I've been too stressed out by everything? My life had been such a drama. Or maybe it is a defensive mechanism my brain has conjured up to help me cope with things. But seriously, I realize I don't feel for everything anymore. I feel weird in my own body, I feel quite lost. I don't know how to swallow what people said to me, and I don't know how to talk to people. I just...... feel very empty, like I waking up from an extremely wild dream yet forgetting everything upon conciousness. I don't know. Nothing seems to intrigue me anymore. I feel alive yet dead. I don't know, I really don't.

When I talk to my friends, I would talk half way and suddenly stop, exclaiming myself suddenly being very confused and unable to understand what I've been saying. I'm just going mad that way. And I see my friend, especially one of my best ones, I feel hurt somehow, sometimes. At times, I get jealous and at times, hoping fervantly he would smile at me like he did on the first day of school - to talk to me. He seems to ignore me already, and I don't know how to talk to him - or anyone else for that matter. I am just very, very confused. And I don't know why, I feel very lost. Like I'm in a labyrinth of emptiness.

And I get this very frequent urge to start sobbing, and I do not know why as well. I'm definitely not sad at all. I don't think I can recognize this as sorrow or anything. It's just a very empty feeling churning with dizziness and confusion. I feel like, it's my brain's way of telling me it's too exhausted - so much that the part of it controlling emotions seemed to have broken down, thoroughly fatigued by all the madness I've been facing daily. Perhaps......I'm just too tired.

But I do not feel sad, I just feel very hollow and light. Almost dreamy and floating. I'm wondering if this is a dream I am living that feels extremely real. Perhaps this post isn't real too, perhaps I'm now in my dream posting on a blog and when I wake up, this might be gone. It's eerily deja vu.

However, maybe I do feel something...... disgust. I'm quite overwhelmed by disgust now. It appears to me I'm returning to my horrendously overweight past. I looked at the mirror - and almost all mirrors, like I usually/paranoidly do all the time - I'm appalled by my sudden fatness. I don't know. But perhaps this feeling of void is beneficial. Because I do not have any emotions, I do not have any cravings or appetite for that matter. I don't know, I seriously don't. I'm just strangely scared, confused, dizzy, hollow and at times very sorrowful yet morbidly joyful as well. I really don't know. Perhaps, my heart is too tired of being lonely, and thus has shut off. At least...... being numb frees me from pain. From loneliness, from fear, from worry, from insecurities, from people, from everything. I don't know why, but tears seem to flow down as I type - and I don't have anything to be sad about. Tis' gut-wrenching manifestation of sorrow bursting forth out of no apparent reason, I don't know what is happening. All I know is, my head feels light, albeit slightly aching, and my abdomen and chest hurts. I feel tired, but light-headed. And it makes me feel oddly happy even though I'm crying.

I don't know, I think I need the asylum.

Hear me Elatedly cry Loathesomely in Pleasure.

I'm becoming pretty sick.

I walk in deafening silence

The people whom I loved piece my every step

I see their faces on every slab

I've become so sickening, they should stab.

Their faces masterpieces of art

each expressing loathe in snarls

Screaming from their facial muscles songs of their heart

sopranos of "I hate you."

Detested, you are my dear,

Irritance sums it all.

Existence, is but a farce.

So get away and live in pretense.

Acknowledge your worthlessness and

Emotions will all be gone.

Faith > Murphy's Law

Murphy's law is an adage in Western culture that broadly states that if anything can go wrong, it will. "If there's more than one possible outcome of a job or task, and one of those outcomes will result in disaster or an undesirable consequence, then somebody will do it that way." It is most often cited as "Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong" (or, alternately, "Whatever can go wrong will go wrong, and at the worst possible time, in the worst possible way").

And now everything starts crashing down at the last minute. I am not going to deny that I am not terrified at everything going out of place at the last minute. Better still, they haven't even called, those people. But I believe that faith will still prevail. The silent confident I have in my Lord that I can survive. I do not know, and am in a state whereby I cannot think at all. I'm just giving my all.

Tomorrow's the audition. They have yet to call me to inform me about my application being approved. Better still, my scores all got lost the last minute. I don't know what am I going to do now but just constantly prayed. But I know that no matter what happens, it'll all work out. Because He made all things happen for a reason. I'm afraid. There's no denying. But more importantly, I'm hopeful.

I may not see, I may not know at all. But all I know it, He has made it all work out for me, no matter what. Faith is belief in the substance of things hoped for, even when you may not be able to see it. I'm believing - because I have the faith to believe.

I'll be Living it, my Dreams and Aspirations - I Will.

I'll stop whining, because again, I know I'll live my dreams. I don't care what happens, because regardless of what, I said I will do anything for the life that I want. And everyday, I see myself wearing the ACJC uniform, playing the saxophone, holding my grandmother's hand and seeing beautiful results on my "O" levels results certificate. Come what may, I will be a musician.

Time Of My Life
By David Cook

I been waiting for my dreams to turn into something, I could believe in
And looking for that magic rainbow on the horizon, I couldn't see it
Until I let go, gave in the love, watched all the bitterness burn
Now I'm coming alive body and soul, Feeling my world starts to turn

And I'll taste every moment and live it out loud
I know this is the time; this is the time to be
More than a name or face in the crowd
I know this is the time; this is the time of my life
Time of my life

Holding onto things and vanish them to the air, left me in pieces
But now I'm rising from the ashes, finding my wings
And all that I needed was there all along, within my reach
As close as the beat of my heart

And I'll taste every moment and live it out loud
I know this is the time; this is the time to be
More than a name or face in the crowd
I know this is the time; this is the time of my life
Time of my life

And I mount on the edge of forever ready to roar
Keeping my feet on the ground, arms open wide, facing the sun

And I'll taste every moment and live it out loud
I know this is the time; this is the time to be
More than a name or face in the crowd
I know this is the time; this is the time of my life
The time of my life

More than a name or face in the crowd
I know this is the time; this is the time of my life
This is the time of my life…
The time of my life!


This song speaks for my life. Everyday, when I start the day, I see the time of my life, and move on knowing it will come. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. With my faith, I'll move the mountains in my life.

I do not know why I am posting this at all

Tomorrow's school. Part of me wishes tomorrow would never come while another part of me eagerly wish for school to start quick so I can study. Once again, as I look at my DSA form for ACJC, I'm reminded again of my "O" levels, my grandma and all. And it cripples me with panic and fear. For JC - and ultimately, music - I've done many things I never thought I would. Things that went against my conscience, things that made my everyday burdensome and even things that made me cry. The burden is heavy. The cost is high and the sacrifice, crazy. As a sixteen year old, I'm face with mountains of debt and worry. Nobody thought money could be an issue for a 16 year old school boy in Singapore.

I wake up every morning just to worry about paying my tuition fees, my mouthpiece, my ligature, my metronome, my reeds, my grandmother, etc. Apparently, I've been sacrificing much for music and my grandmother. Despite my huge debts, I'm always thinking of food my grandma would eat. Because of the spreading of cancer, her appetite grows worse day by day. I've seen her shrunk from a healthily built old lady to a stick thin figure. Accompanied with spells of nausea, eating has become so difficult for her as her appetite worsens with time. As a grandson who lives with her, I cannot do much but watch helplessly as she becomes weaker and weaker. Because she can't eat, she is unable to take her medication because they cannot be taken on empty stomach. And due to that, her sickness kicks in and she feels discomfort. That discomfort causes her to smoke, and that only hastens everything. Therefore, despite lacking money, I would go great lengths to buy food she might eat, regardless the cost.

Seriously, money isn't an issue as long as she would just eat...... for me at least. I realize I'm very selfish. It isn't about what she is feeling, I realized it's because of what I feel that makes me want to have her live longer. Because I cannot bear to part with her, because I feel crippled - and I cannot do anything, at all. She knows she's not well, and day by day, she is experiencing the aggravation of her condition. Yet as a grandson, I feel exceptionally limited and desperate. And amidst all I'm struggling with music. I feel the pressure from not playing well enough, I feel the pressure from not having enough money at all.

Because of all that, I've gone to desperate measures. I feel like I've lost myself at times. I don't know what am I even doing. All I know is, for music, I'm willing to go through hell. Because I've never stopped saying this - I will be a musician, come what may. I do not know whether to laugh or cry at myself. I do not know whether I'm strong-willed or plain fool hardy and very stubborn. And then here I'm faced with insufficient funds that cripple me everyday.

I do not know what I'm posting about or what I'm posting this for. I just need to remind myself, I must get into ACJC. I must do music. I must prove people wrong. And I must show people that dreams do come true. Regardless of what, I'm sticking through it, thick and thin. Come what may, I am a musician. And I'm staying strong for grandma. I must.

Jinxed

I met a person today whom I hold dear.

We share such telepathy I truly fear.

She held her breath to speak when I spoke

and voila, came the same word spoke.

At an average of sixth an hour,

she and I, we'd never know.

We have the weirdest jinxes,

of which some I could induce quinces.

Even our natural system moved the same,

the biology and physical processes tamed.

We share such uncanny resemblance,

even egestion and gas removal rung together.

This truly is terrifying, my beloved cousin

- the fearful jinx whom I love so dear.

My Conversation with a Piece of Paper

It stares blankly back at me in the full glory of it's blankness. Awaiting in it's void the manifestations of my mind. Be it a retrospective entourage of words or an illustration of revelation and even meaningless doodles - it lays in front of me faithfully, awaiting to feel used. I speak to it, asking, "why do you want to be robbed of your cleanliness? To be vandalized upon, dirtied and marred. Though at times you turn out more beautified than ever, but many a times, you get thoroughly crushed upon and disposed. Why is it so that you still would want to stay by me?"

It replies, "as long as I have worth, a purpose in creation and have come from a source - I shall live to my fullest. I may turn into a masterpiece, or a piece of thrash, I do not mind. Because at least then, I have had my purpose accomplished. That is, I believe, the meaning of existence."

Continuing, it says "I believe I am a metaphor of many people. Sacrifices, risk and loss - these come hand-in-hand along with growth and success. For the creation of my kind, countless trees have been cut down. People understands that we are facing the risk of global warming, yet because humanity understands the need for my kind, they have sacrificed them so as to be able to achieve greater things. Humans too, are a product of much sacrifice from their parental bodies, therefore I would choose to be that no existence possess no worth."

I stare at it in deep contemplation. Why then, have many been labeled unneeded and worthless? Unproductive humans and failures in life - how much of a worth could they be? I inquired.

"I am a piece of paper. Because I am abundant, sometimes, I may be rendered worthless. But at the same time, people realize that they cannot survive without me. The world works about in paradoxes. For winners to exist, there must be losers and for greatness to shine, there needs to be failure. Paper is made from wood pulp and everyday, what seemingly is worthless and of no value are made to carry gargantuan amount of information people render valuable. What is worth? What is purpose? They are the ability to be of usefulness, in my opinion. And usefulness is the faith one has in himself to be productive, not the determining of aptitude by people imposed on a certain individual. We all come from the same source and that no man is made worthless."

"Then what if you turn out to be thrash? Won't you become worthless?"

"Well, my kind has been crushed and disposed as thrash. People might render them useless, but in my opinion, they're actually served greater purposes than many masterpieces. Because before those master pieces were produced on fresh sheets of paper, these are actually the pieces of paper that fed and fueled the producer of the masterpieces. They are the paper which was planned upon, the pieces of paper that are drafted and brainstormed upon. In my opinion, they are the true great ones because if not for them, the masterpieces would ceased to exist. People die and people live. And with death, the lives of the people changes."

I stared back at the piece of paper once again, inspired by the seemingly worthless piece of object which at the same time was a seed of a possible greatness. With a smile I've long hidden deep inside, I began my strokes of English literature on it's voidness. Perhaps, this is how God had decided to create the world. After all, it was how we all started, with a word and on came light in the midst of darkness. In the first chapter of the gospel alone, it has already been displayed the foundation of all logic on earth - for light to exist, there must be darkness. For everything that existed, there must be a reason, that is why we exist.

And this is how this piece of article came into your sight, for this to be written, I've gone through tribulations and trials. And so, in reminder, I would like to tell you, friend - you are worthy.


Sorry for this random post, I was just listening to the soundtrack of Les Miserables and reading certain articles and felt inspired to write. And at that moment, that blank piece of paper on my desk fell off and I went to pick it up and thought of my past. Because back when I was a child, I would cry with delight when I found paper. I loved expressing myself through art and drawing, hence paper was a luxury compared to some other candy treats. Then I realized how it is seemingly very worthless to me now, compared to the past when it was valuable. And thus came forth this piece of literature. Now I'd hope they give a one-word topic entitled "paper" for my English "O" levels. Alright, I supposed I might start attempting on one-word essays. I've learned to control my writing, finally! Perhaps I might at last be able to catch up on my English language. I've been too complacent.

December 12, 2012?

Release

To the certain people in my life :

I just want to let you know that the things you've said and done to me was very hurtful and it affected me. Yes, I was upset, I cried many times. But the thing about forgiveness is that, you do not need the other party to apologize in order to give it and that if Jesus could die so that all my wrongs can be forgiven, I would certainly want to extend this amazing grace to you.

At least, even if you do not need it, I certainly need to give it. Because I believe forgiveness is the freedom of mind, heart and soul.

Thank you for giving me the opportunity to forgive and grow.

With Prayers and Regards,
Sae

Faux Pas

Apparently, I committed a faux pas so serious I pissed everybody off. Well, not everybody, but certain people. And the fact was that, I didn't even know about it. And some extra bitch had to act like she was part of those certain people who belonged to authorities higher than her and showed me attitude. Oh wait, I forgot, isn't she supposed to act like them since she's their resident bootlicker? Anyway, I've decided to clench my fists and let it go - though my mood was seriously screwed that night. I just stepped off the causeway after a gruelling 3 hours and decided to go back straight - not to home - but to meet my beloveds. And the thing was that, I didn't feel angry and expressed much remorse due to my frankly, unpardonable, ignorance and stupidity. Yet however sincerely and remorsefully I expressed my apologies and regrets - and attempted to fix the situation - I got one sentence that slapped me in the face along with the slamming door that ensued : "no, you're not sorry at all."

Have you ever thought how hurtful could that be?

Seriously, I just wanted to join everyone for one last time. Yet except for my dearest ones in the same group, how much of a family are we really? In my very unworthy opinion, this place seemed to me more like hollywood than a homely alma mater. Everything you do, you're constantly being observed and backstabbed upon. Instead of walking about freely at home, you're threading on scrutiny and sabotage. In fact, you get slammed for the list of things which are entirely untrue due to some bitch's rotten mouth whose words I think the term malicious can't even suffice. Honestly, whilst everyone complains about politics - have anyone seriously thought about what starts the politics? You all look at me with a crooked eye. So be it. But what I cannot stand is the fact that it seems like everything you do, people try to cause unneccesary friction which are totally uncalled for. Everything you do, it must be dictated upon this way and that way. Honestly, what is a family to you all? I've been to many other xxxxs and I enjoyed myself to much more. Why so? Because it's not about who you are, the superficial qualities you possess and the way you suck up to people. If being a good xxxx member means doing such stuffs and acting like you're in hollywood(whereby any accidental unglam/"wrong" behaviour and you get flamed by tabloids who make up stupid stories of pure fictionism to destroy you), I'd rather not be there. Because everyone has neglected the sole purpose of a xxxx! Where is the essence of a xxxx? This is more like office politics than anything else. Pardon me, but I cannot stand the system anymore and would want to leave here not harnessing horrible memories this place have flooded me with. I'm sorry, but except for the certain group of people who've stood by me and understood me and my intentions - of whom I've watched them grow and nurtured them faithfully. The others, I don't feel at home.

This post is entirely satirical and at least I know not many people read this damned blog. I've slogged my guts and sacrificed out of love. And because of the latter, I didn't mind what I was doing even though there are constantly bitches that wouldn't appreciate anything - of whom are despicable enough to stab the whole committee and climb to the top not by merits but by bullshitting and bootlicking. I've shed tears and struggled through for these group of people. But ultimately, due to some dictator's malevolent cadenza - everything I do is utterly wrong, despite the good intentions. All the 4 years of dedication and passion, I should've known better it wouldn't do me good. But certain people and visions and goals gave me a meaning in that place. But now in the end, I should've known better and dug my own grave. At least there, I can rest in peace. Honestly, I'm sure none of these people ever heard me bloody complain before, because I felt if it's beneficial, why not? But honestly, I agree so much - I don't even deserve to wear that shirt at all. Because even if I've done anything for these people, they would just be erased away or worse, distorted into something detrimental by that bitch. Selflessness is a virtue, but I've come to learn that selflessness in the battlefield of senseless politics is pure stupidity - even if you're not part of it. I've got myself shot one time too many.

But again, I believe in letting go and I've been pulled down by the past too much. Therefore, with this post, I've decided to just leave everything behind. Furthermore, I'm supposed to have stepped down. Meritocracy is but hypocrisy.

And you bitch, I've decided to forgive and forget about you. Not because I'm magnanimous, but because such wastrels don't even deserve to be part of the society - you produce nothing and keep causing more people to get hurt. It's not just me saying this, I could say it's the majority of the cohort.

10 Random Things About Sae

I'm playing this very random game with my friends. Therefore, I'm going to state 10 very random facts about myself.

Warning : you may get grossed out at some points.

#1. Sae likes to eat random stuffs like apple in vinegar, rice in coke, maple syrup with everything, chilli blended with lemon juice, etc.

#2. Sae is very random and has bipolar disorder whereby he suffers very extreme moodswings. He can be high and crazy but extremely dejected and depressing the next minute. Beware, all.

#3. Sae has an extremely active imagination and tends to live in his imagination too. Sometimes, his friends cannot understand what he's talking about as well.

#4. Sae has an extreme liking for things that tastes sweet and gets super high eating them. He is sensitive to sugar and is prone to sugar rush. He also shares the same liking for spicy and sour tasting things and cannot survive a meal without chilli or a sour tasting condiment like vinegar or lime juice. His authentically Thai.

#5. Sae is type I diabetic.

#6. Sae has a very random habit of not wearing underwear. Though he only does that sometimes, when he feels like it. Because dear Sae knows it's perilous to not wear underwear in Guangyang Secondary School. So right now, he isn't wearing anything under his jeans.

#7. Sae is left-handed but is efficient in doing things with both his hands. And because he's left handed, he plays music simulator games like stepmania on the keyboard with his hands criss-crossed.

#8. Sae is deathly terrified of frogs as well as needles.

#9. Sae can't sing. But loves to sing and act like some retarded diva. He doesn't care about the fact that he can't sing either.

#10. Sae has the tendency to like to bite things. Anything and everything - from his bolster to his wallet and even people.

Now that you know 10 very random facts about Sae, please post 10 very random facts about yourself in your blog too. I'm gross, yes, fear me.

Random Male Periods

I screwed my life up once again. Shan't elaborate, since I've moved on. The smart asses don't rant about problems, they solve problems - therefore I wish to deceive myself and think of myself as a smart ass. Shut up, don't wake me up from my delusion. Self-denial is healthy.

Anyway, I think I'm pregnant. I've been getting weird cravings out of nowhere from the beginning of this year. Just 6 minutes ago, I suddenly had cravings for cream cheese and cranberry and I don't know why so. Then 3 minutes ago, the cravings changed and I wanted a tomato. Now I'm eating vinegar and pickles. Seriously, I think for a guy, I need to lose estrogen. And my moodswings these days are worse than girls suffering from menopause. Man-bitchiness is bad for health.

Somebody tell me a way to make money, please.

Anyway, I'm so bored now I decided I should waste some time. And so, I decided to copy and paste the questionaire from Benjamin's blog and do it. Yes, I'm a hypocrite. I always say people who do such stuffs are idiots who have nothing better to do. But since I have nothing to do as well, I decided to idiotify(if there's such a word) myself. Here goes.

01. What’s the connection between you and the last person that called you?
Er, I don't know. But his a really great person though :)
02. Do you ever turn your cell phone off?
Yes, very often. Too irritated by so many damn mofos.
03. What happened at 10.00am today?
I fell asleep even though I woke up at 7.00am. I don't know why.
04. When did you last cry?
No comments.
05. What is your favourite thing to eat with peanut butter?
Nothing, I like it au naturel. I like to lick it off things :)
06. What do you want in your life right now?
Security.
07. Do you carry an umbrella when it rains, or just put up your hood?
Raining causes me moodswings and so I do not go out when it rains. Either that or I would just walk in the rain. Disclaimer : I am not emo. Now go hug me while I cry in the rain.
08. What’s your favourite thing to have on your bed?
I do not know what's "my" bed. I don't even have a fixed house to stay :/
09. What bottom are you wearing now?
Jeans. Without underwear. Gross out now, everybody - it's a random habit I have.
10. What’s the nicest text in your inbox say?
I don't remember anything nice. It's just filled with newsletters and chainmails.
11. Do you tend to make a relationship complicated?
Yes, too often. I dislike myself for it.
12. Are you wearing anything you borrowed from someone?
Nah. Never will do.
13. What was the last movie you caught?
I don't even watch movies anymore. No one goes with me I guess... :/
14. What are you proud of?
Sadly, nothing.
15. What does the oldest text message in your inbox say?
It's the introductory e-mail from MSN.
16. What was the last song you sang out loud?
I don't know. I sing out loud and act diva-ish all the time even though I can't :) I think... When You Believe? Yes, bloody old song.
17. Do you have any nicknames? What are they?
Chunny, Saeman, Say-My-Name-Say-My-Name.
What does your last received text message say? Who was it from?
From the usual mofos, "CGCs, ask your members to blah blah blah." It's obvious.
19. What time did you do to bed last night?
I don't know. I didn't even know I fell asleep.
20.Are you currently happy?
Maybe.
21. Who gives you best advice?
The bible? God? I just realized I don't turn to anyone for advice. It's not like I even have many people to talk to.
22. Do you eat whipped cream straight from the can?
No, again, I prefer licking them off from some things :)
23. Who did you talk on phone last night?
Springsfield. Though I don't like talking on the phone. But again, Springsfield's a great person so it's okay.
24. Is anything bugging you right now?
Yes, shit loads.
25. What/who was the last thing/person to make you laugh?
Don't remember.
26. Do you wear toe socks?
Yes, you want to smell them?
27. Who was the last person you missed a call from?
Shitloads of people. I don't even bother checking. Yes, I'm sitting in one corner and shutting myself away from the world. Disclaimer : I am not emo. Now go comfort me while I cry in one corner :)
28. Have you ever had your heart broken?
I don't know.
29. What annoys you most in a person?
Too many things. I'm too darn easily annoyed. But I don't deserve to get annoyed by people I guess, cause I'm bloody annoying myself.
30. Do you have a crush on anyone?
Er, maybe.
31. Have you ever done cocaine?
I would like to.
32. What is the colour of your room?
I don't even have "my" room. As I said, I don't even have a fixed house.
33. Would you kill someone you hate for a billion dollar?
No, I believe it would cause me to have guilty conscience and God wouldn't approve of it. Furthermore, killing is wrong - world peace (actually, hell yeah, I would kill for a billion dollars - especially if that dude's a mofo).
34. Do you believe in the saying ‘talk is cheap’?
Sometimes.
35. Who was the last person to lie in your bed?
I don't know. As I said before, I don't even have a bed that is "mine."
36. Who was the last person to hug you?
I can't remember. It's been some time since someone actually hugged me.
37. Did anyone see the last person you kissed?
I haven't kissed anyone before :/
38. Do you have a life?
Well, by answering this questionaire, I don't. And it certainly takes someone who doesn't have one to set up such questionaire as well :)
39. Have you ever thought that someone died, when they really didn’t?
I don't care.
40. What is the reason behind your profile song?
Profile song? I don't have that.
41. Who was the last person you saw in your dream?
I don't know.
42. Last time you smiled?
I can't remember.
43. Have you changed this year?
Don't know.
44. What are you listening right now?
My voices in my head. I've 27 voices in my head and they're quarrelling right now. Yes, I'm schizophrenic.
45. Are you talking to someone when you are doing this?
No.
46. Do you walk with your eyes open or closed?
I don't know. My eyes are so small they look closed :/
47. Is there a quote you live by?
Yes, and they're all made up by me.
48. Do you want someone you can’t have?
Yes.
49. Have you ever played an instrument?
Yes, and I'll never stop.
50. What was the worst idea you’ve had in the week?
All my ideas are the worst ideas.
51. What were you doing last night at 11.00pm?
Don't wish to elaborate. Screwed up my life yesterday.
52. Are you happy with your love life right now?
No. I don't care about one anyway.
53. What song best describe your love life?
I don't know.
54. Does the person know that you like him/her?
No. She'd never know too...
55. Who always make you laugh?
I don't know.
56. Do you speak other language other than English?
Singlish, Mandarin, Hokkien, Thai.
57. Favourite website?
Don't know.
58. What your middle name?
Does it matter?
59. What are you doing tomorrow?
Practicing and studying and wasting my life away while facing another day of endless verbal irritance.
60. What do you think you are like?
Nothing.
61. Who will you choose to die with?
Nobody, no one would care if I die anyway. Disclaimer once again : I'm not emo :D
62. Where have you been today?
My imagination.
63. What game do you play often?
For as long as I remember, I haven't played games for a long time.
64. Who are you missing right now?
I don't know. I don't really have friends :/
65. If you’ve to choose between friends n love, who will you choose?
My love are my friends, and my friends are my love. Does that count?(copied from Benjamin's answer. It's pretty tacky, eh? Now sue me for copyright infringement.
66. What are you doing right now?
Answering this bloody questionaire(duh?), breathing and still alive.
67. Which primary school are you from?
Anderson Primary.
68. Name 3 colours that you like?
I can't choose. I like all the colours.
69. What emotion you like to show?
Randomness.
70. What is your life to you?
I don't know.
71. If you have something troubling you, what will you do?
Do something about it. As I said, smart asses think of solutions, not get bugged by problems.
72. Who did you last chat in msn today?
I haven't been online today.
73. Who do you admire most?
Alot of people.
74. Which month are you born in?
Don't know.
75. How are you feeling right now?
Don't know.
76. What is the time now?
1:43pm
77. Where are you now?
Airport.
78. What colour did you use to dye hair?
I don't dye my hair.
79. Why are you doing this test?
Because I have some time to waste on meaningless questionaires.
80. What do you do when you’re moody?
Don't know.
81. At which age you wish to get married?
Don't know.
82. Who is more important to you? Boyfriend or friends?
What do you think?
83. Do you think you have enough confidence?
Don't know.
84. Who is the person you trust the most?
Don't know.
85. Do you believe in seeing a rainbow after a rain?
Don't know.
87. What is your goal for this year?
ACJC!
88. Do you believe in eternity love?
Yeah, I do.
89. What feeling do you love most?
Don't know.
90. Do you really think it's Global Warming now?
Bad english, but yes. Screw the world.
91. What feeling you hate the most?
Insecurity.
92. Do you cherish every single friendship of yours?
Yes, a lot.
93. Do you believe in God?
Yes, very much.
94. Who cares for you most?
I don't know.
95. What do you think is the most important thing in your life?
God?
96. What will you bring when you fight?
Nothing. I don't fight. World peace.
97. What have you done regretted doing in your whole life?
Too many things.
98. What would you feel if no one no longer cares for you?
How would you feel?
99. If you have a choice, do you want to turn back time?
Yes... and no as well.

And there you go, I've just wasted my life away. Yay everybody.

My Hands

I've come to the conclusion that I serve a greater purpose that no one can ever imagine.
These hands have brought me to realize that the pleasures of the world I can do with them are but a facade.
My right hand is for nothing more than holding the hands of my loved ones and supporting my catalyst of music
while my left hand is for proving the world wrong that I am inadequate and that I can achieve more than what they can imagine in their wildest dreams.
They've crossed the boundaries of lateral imagery and are one because they serve only one purpose -
to achieve God's calling in my life.
My hands are my sword and shield.
They slay the disbelief and protect my loved ones.
I am not inadequate. I am a physical catalyst of dreams.
I am not what the world sees. I am what God sees.
These hands, they are not just for writing.
They for writing the greatest histories the world have yet to see.

I am a servant,
the living flesh and body of
Faith, Hope and Love.

The embodiment of dreams for all to see.

Man-bitch Alert

I think my prelim orals are so screwed. Like, totally. I think over-enthusiasm was pure terrorism. I could sense Mr Lim was trying to tell me, "DOOD, YOU ARE DIVERGING DOOD. NO DOOD, COME BACK." But still, at least I wasn't really that out-of-point. I brought it back and in the end he just said - "I think that was quite sufficient." God, please tell me I didn't screw my orals up. I WANTED TO GET FULL MARKS. It's like, I don't even know whether I did well or I screwed myself. It's terrorizing my mind with their juxtaposition. ARGH, I should die or something. But it did feel like it went, quite okay. Screw the irony.

Anyway, I killed my cello trying to play it and my A and C strings broke. Wow, the talent. So now it's sent for re-stringing and John's probably gonna kill me since I promised him since lightyears ago that I would lend him my cello(wait, isn't lightyears used to measure distance? Well, do you think I care? - Yes, screw me :D). Anyway, got screwed pretty heavily these few weeks. Can't be bothered with anything anymore - heck the world, heck other people, heck the society. I just want to live a life and I think it took me far too late to realize that I have my own life to live too. I have a life I'm supposed to live for 16 years, but it appears that people have been deciding on how I should live my life. So I suppose it's time I shut all the mofos and their tongues out - I've enough of all those puppet play and I don't care what the world says anymore. Hypocrite, jerk, asshole, etc. I'm not just those I'm a bitch too. Now, say whatever you want - if being who I am is a bitch, then I'm a proud bitch :D

It's time I start living life. Screw my household, screw everything else. I just want to study for my bloody "Os" and practice till my lungs burst for the DSA. Wow, what a sudden mood change from my previous posts. I'm turning into a man-bitch, seriously =/

RAWR TO YOU ALL, RAWR. YES, FEAR ME NOW OR I'M EATING YOU UP FOR I'M THE MAN BITCH.

And it seems like I used the world "screw" and it's other forms for a total of 7 times. Yay for the repetitiveness. Rawr.