That's quite true!

disclaimer : I did not write this myself, please look at the link at the end of the evaluation, thank you (: What Sae Seah Chun Heng Means

You are the total package - suave, sexy, smart, and strong. You have the whole world under your spell, and you can influence almost everyone you know. You don't always resist your urges to crush the weak. Just remember, they don't have as much going for them as you do. You are usually the best at everything ... you strive for perfection. You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive. You have the classic "Type A" personality. You are friendly, charming, and warm. You get along with almost everyone. You work hard not to rock the boat. Your easy going attitude brings people together. At times, you can be a little flaky and irresponsible. But for the important things, you pull it together. You are truly an original person. You have amazing ideas, and the power to carry them out. Success comes rather easily for you... especially in business and academia. Some people find you to be selfish and a bit overbearing. You're a strong person. You are very open. You communicate well, and you connect with other people easily. You are a naturally creative person. Ideas just flow from your mind. A true chameleon, you are many things at different points in your life. You are very adaptable. You are a very lucky person. Things just always seem to go your way. And because you're so lucky, you don't really have a lot of worries. You just hope for the best in life. You're sometimes a little guilty of being greedy. Spread your luck around a little to people who need it. You are very intuitive and wise. You understand the world better than most people. You also have a very active imagination. You often get carried away with your thoughts. You are prone to a little paranoia and jealousy. You sometimes go overboard in interpreting signals. You are deeply philosophical and thoughtful. You tend to analyze every aspect of your life. You are intuitive, brilliant, and quite introverted. You value your time alone. Often times, you are grumpy with other people. You don't appreciate them trying to interfere in your affairs.

Click : What's" Your Name's Hidden Meaning?

I can never forgive myself

Blue Skies

I spent my night yesterday thinking of my mother. Whatever it is, I truly miss her. And whilst writing the essay on today's chinese paper, memories of my mother flooded my mind. Most coincidentally, the comprehension paper featured a poignant passage of motherly grief and seperation with the son.

I remember how I always clung onto her legs, and hid behind her thighs because I was so uncomfortable with strangers. And growing up, from the time since I was an infant, I've seen many times my mother suffered nervous breakdown from all the pressure. But again, she stayed strong for me, and my siblings. Knowing how she comes to my grandmother's place everyday to look after my brother before rushing to work, and how she always misses the family, her pure, unadulterated, desire to see the family together. To her, nothing else matters as long as she can make her children happy. Such unconditionality, where else can it exist?

I've sort of recovered from my emotional battle with loneliness I guess, I refused to face my feelings and give it to feeling unhappy. I might still feel quite horrible in class, being lonely and all. But I've got friends, I've finally got friends. People like Wei Liang, Wei Jun, Wei Jian, they're really great, great, people. Funny how they start their names with "Wei", but what matters is, I've got friends. And another great friend, Mrs Elaine Foo! Love her so much, she's such a tacky, down-to-earth, selfless yet optimistic inspiration! It's quite the pity that she doesn't get to celebrate her teachers day like the others and had to run the rehearsal. She is a great, great, person as well. And subconciously, perhaps, I've developed a liking to talk to her, because she's more than a teacher. A friend, and whatever the motivators cannot give. I'd dedicate the teacher's day award to her, unconditionally.

But I cannot deny that, once I step out of school, and when my phone is away, I develope this very dreadful feeling again. My head feels so heavy, and as I look to the infinite skies, it served as a stark reminder on how I was alone again. People have their lives to live, and I'd be selfish to want friends like that, perhaps I'm becoming an attention seeker. The paradoxes of life is so humorous, it's verging on morbidity - it's those who are lonely that are afraid to be lonely. I think I might have autophobia, even though I've been lonely for as long as I can imagine. But sometimes...... It really torments me at how quiet my foot steps are. I long for a day when I hear foot steps, not just of my own, but of many, whom I love. But never have I been able to feel comfortable in this flesh, always, this self-concious spirits in me would remind me constantly, and harp upon my certain insecurities, only fuelling my fear of getting to close to people. As much as I desire love, I'm cautious of love. My life is a living irony, but in this irony I feel tension. The tension of opposites, as Morrie Schwartz the professor would say, mentioned in the book, "Tuesdays with Morrie".

It's the facade I have everyday, the insecurities hidden, but brimming in my heart. But as long as people lives, hope lives. The society of today might have taken away humanity, but in the hearts of human, God created an unwavering twinkle of hope, just like the Pandora's box. And as I know how terrifying life can be, and how much hurt a human relationship can bring, I've also learnt how much more optimism I can face life with when I have a relationship with another human. I might have been forced numb by the person whom I had to say "bye" to in the previous post, but Wei Liang have somehow made it alive, again. Wei Jun and Wei Jian might not know much about me, but they don't show discrimination, and are very accepting people. And it dawned upon me, maybe it might not be friends I crave for, it's more like, acceptance. And acceptance can only come from friends and loved ones. So I've just gone round the bush. But I've learn to allow myself to be a little happier, because I believe it is a choice.

"People shouldn't dwell on the past. It's enough to try your best in all that you're doing now."

~

"Even though I have been hurt before by those heartless glares this also helped me to understand that around me, there still exists some gentle glares. Therefore, I definitely won't run away. That's what I'll do. Definitely. Always."

~

"If you look up at the sky after falling down, the blue sky is still stretching limitlessly and smiling at me...... I'm alive."

~

- Ikeuchi Aya, One Litre of Tears.

The Stone

I wonder what kind of life have I put myself in. It's draining me quite too much, but I chose this route. And I need to look towards the future, and understand the rewards at the end. But nevertheless, I am struggling to make ends meet even at the present. I do not know what to do. I'd surely figure it out in the end, because I know there is a purpose for everything that is placed in my life. Nevertheless, this blog serves for me to seek solace, to release it all out and move on after incessant ranting.

Firstly, the fees and the tuitions are killing me. I've owed Melvin a $100 for theory lessons and I have missed too many lessons. I do not know when is the phase 2 for DSA, but I do know that if I want to do well even in the appeal, I need to have my standards in check. And it worries me so that my saxophone playing is deteriorating at an alarming rate. I've lost my embouchure and my tone is horrible. The dexterity of my fingers seem to be failing and I've yet to attend tuition simply because I do not have the money to pay. Furthermore, I have my theory exam to worry as well and I need another additional $110 for registration fees. As a student who gets only $10 a day, where am I to find the money? I have resorted to many things that went against my morals just to pay for all these, and I have yet to buy my mouthpiece and ligature, let alone an instrument. How am I going to survive like this? Practical lessons alone I've not attended for way too long, I need to improve.

And not to forget, I have lots of books to buy. To be very frank, from the start of the year, I already lost my biology, chemistry and physics textbooks. And I've been studying very hard through all the guide books I can afford as well as the 10-years series. Praise the Lord I have tuition to keep me surviving but I need those books to study! And it would be murder to ask my father for funds on all these. Because it is to my utter irresponsibility that I actually lost these books. I need money, and have been in all kinds of fantasy about material abundance, but they are not reality.

Furthermore, my grandmother's condition is aggravating right before my eyes everyday. Many nights, I do not know, but my grandmother has actually got up to vomit. With her sleeping patterns being irregular, it is obvious to me that she is not feeling too well. And today, after the check-up from the doctor, she is low on blood count. Her mood has been pretty bad as well and she's not feeling too good. I do not know, but I just hope she's feeling alright. The doctor has also increased her dosage of painkillers. I honestly do not know what will happen the very next day, hour, or minute.

And my studies, there is only so little time left to prelims and I do not seem to have enough time to study. Perhaps my procrastinating habit gets the better of me sometimes, but I cannot give myself excuses. I must perform! I have much to catch up in mathematics, biology, humanities and sciences! That's almost all my subjects! And I do not know about my chinese language, I totally have no confidence in it and I seriously need to retake the examinations. Yet, through it all, I do not have lessons at all! What am I to do? I brought the matter up to the teacher, and it seemed to fall on deaf ears because nothing had been done and no reply had been given, leaving the students helpless and daunted.

Perhaps humanities can be covered through this measly two weeks left if invested much concentration and efforts, and perhaps biology too. But for mathematics, I have less than two weeks left. I cannot practice enough, and I am too ignorant about many things. I said I want to get A1, but how possible is it for me? Belief requires works to manifest into reality. I do not know how, but I'll get through somehow with effort. I do not know about my sciences. Though I've improved heaps and bounds since the last chemistry exam, I cannot deny that my standard is too precariously below par and if I need to get into ACJC, I must show Dr Lee that however bleak my results seemed during mid-year, I can still get in. My passion and desire to get into ACJC will never falter but instead burn even stronger as the day goes by. I must get in, I really must.

I am sick and tired of the almost countless "you can'ts" I hear from people. Once and for all, I'll show the world I am a son of God. And because I am a son of God, my potential is infinite. Self-delusion, I hear you say. But I refuse to comply, I call this "faith". With so many things to get by, I feel like a hand with sand in it. There is so much sand a hand can contain as in the end, the sand will still escape through the tiniest cracks and openings of the fingers. But the Holy Spirit is just like moisture, it clumps the sand gains together and allow my hand to sustain all the sand in it. In time, towards the end, with all the treatment of moisture and the moulding of the hand, it would all turn into a solid sphere of harden processed sand called a stone. And that stone would be so hard and sturdy I shall shatter all the barriers that once invaded my life.

"Greater is He who is in you than he who is in the world", "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me". It is because I know still, that the best is yet to be. With Jesus, what are all these to me?

Bye Bye [II, coming to terms.]

I've grown to be frank with myself. Perhaps I've more or less come to terms with all these that has been happening. While tears, brimming with emotions, may flow - they still, no matter what, fade and evaporate in time. And pain, with the fleeting seconds, do fade too. Albeit leaving scars behind. I cannot deny that the pain lingers on sometimes. The silence at night, the recurring memories, these tears may still escape the corners of my eye but still, I will not let it bring me down again.

I've chosen to deny against my loneliness. In all things, there exists multiple perspectives and I have learned to no longer keep my sight narrowed into only the perspective as I view it to be. Perhaps an end is actually a beginning. That day whilst attending Daniel's grandmother's funeral, I have come to understand that death is not a loss. I looked at the funeral and looked at the people. Some, like me, did not even know Daniel's grandmother, yet we came. Why? I've come to wonder. Why do people gather when others die? Why people feel they should?

It is because the human spirit knows, deep down, that all lives intersect. That death doesn't just take someone, it misses someone else, and in the small distance between being taken and being missed, lives are changed.

I was blinded and felt like the most wretched person. Everytime I said I have lost the purpose of my life, someone else has lost their everything, people have lost not just people, but many more things precious in their lives at that very moment too. It happens everyday. When lightning strikes a minute after you are gone, or an airplane crashes that you might have been on. When your loved one falls ill and you do not. We think such things are random. But there is a balance to it all. One withers, another grows. Birth and death are part of a whole.

It is perhaps why we are drawn to babies... and to funerals. Perhaps I might not have yet to understand what have I gained from this loss, but I've certainly learnt to hold strong to my faith and keep believing. Perhaps this is what love is all about, about continuing to love regardless of how cold or hostile the atmosphere might be. I have gained strength in loss and maybe the steadfastness in love - it's unconditionality and the sacrificiality of it.

God told me this : "No life is a waste, the only time you waste is the time you spend thinking you're alone."

We all make sacrifices, it is part of life. It is supposed to be. It's not something to regret. It is something to aspire to. Little sacrifices. Big sacrifices. A mother works so her son can go to school. A daughter moves home to take care of her sick father. The sacrifice I am giving, the sacrifice that brings me much griefs at times, great happiness at others. Many people do not see the reason to sacrifice, but they inevitably still do so. Why? Because humans, they know deep inside that whilst suffering, the reward - though intangible - shines ever much more significantly, because it is in these sacrifices they find meaning. And the meaning might not make sense, it might not be fair. But still, that is love. Love is not fair, it is unconditional. Sacrifice thus equates to love. Fairness does not govern loss and gain, if it did, no good person would ever die young.

Sometimes when you sacrifice something precious, you're not really losing it. You're just passing it on to someone else. Perhaps his departure from my life is a newfound freedom for him, new friendships and a life that he might like better. Perhaps I was selfish, all I saw was how much he hurt me and not understand anything I might have done that may have not made him feel comfortable. I do not know. But certainly I know I need to move on.

Lost love is still love. It just takes a different form. I might not see that smile and bring you food or play with you or even mess around together. But when those senses weaken, another heightens. Memory. Memory becomes my partner. I nurture it. I hold it. I place it deep in my heart. Perhaps our friendship has an end, love doesn't.

God told me that I am not worthless, and what God says, I've learned to listen.

Bye Bye [an Excerpt and Reflection]

As a child there were those times

I didn't get it but you kept me in line

I didn't know why you didn't show up sometimes

It's something more than saying "I miss you"

But when we talked too

All them grown folk things

Separation brings

You never let me know it

You never let it show because

You loved me and obviously

There's so much more left to say

If you were with me today face to face

I never knew I could hurt like this

And everyday life goes on like

"I wish I could talk to you for awhile"

"I wish I could find a way try not to cry"

As time goes by

And soon as you reach a better place

Still I'll give the whole world to see your face

And I'm right here next to you

It feels like you gone too soon

The hardest thing to do is say bye bye

And you never got the chance to see how good I've done

And you never got to see me back at number one

I wish that you were here to celebrate together

I wish that we could spend the holidays together

I wish you'd come back,

the friend you always are -

in my heart, for life

No matter what, no matter how

I am forever waiting,

waiting for your return.

Can't

Can't is the worst word that's written or spoken;
Doing more harm here than slander and lies;
On it is many a strong spirit broken,
And with it many a good purpose dies.
It springs from the lipes of the thoughtless each morning
And robs us of courage we need through the day:
It rings in our ears like a timely sent warning
And laughs when we falter and fall by the way.

Can't is the father of feeble endeavor,
The parent of terror and halfhearted work;
It weakens the efforts of artisans clever,
And makes of the toiler an indolent shirk.
It poisons the soul of the man with a vision,
It stifles in infancy many a plan;
It greets honest toiling with open derision
And mocks at the hopes and the dreams of a man.

Can't is a word none should speak without blushing;
To utter it should be a symbol of shame;
Ambition and courage it daily is crushing;
It blights a man's purpose and shortens his aim.
Despise it with all of your hatred of error;
Refuse it the lodgment it seeks in your brain;
Arm against it as a creature ot terror,
And all that you dream of you someday shall gain.

Can't is the word that is for to ambition,
An enemy ambushed to shatter your will;
Its prey is forever the man with a mission
And bows but to courage and patience and skill.
Hate it, with hatred that's deep and undying,
For once it is welcomed 'twill break any man;
Whatever the goal you are seeking, keep trying
and answer this demon by saying: "I can."

by Edgar A.