fly, the wingless bird flies.

BLOG CHANGE!

2008-09-15T03:11:00.001-07:00

HEY ALL. I HAVE MOVED, http://saepiphany.wordpress.com

PLEASE VISIT.

Exams make you fat

2008-09-11T04:26:00.000-07:00

You know what is the best way to gain weight? Go immerse yourself in exams. No exercise, no nothing, just eat, study, sleep, almost like a sedentary pig. And you'll be able to bombard yourself excuses like, "I need this to stay awake so I can study" or "it's alright, this will give me energy". Worse, "I'll just binge now and lose weight like mad after this(which of course, never comes to past)". In the name of fluffy clouds and maple syrup bunnies, I'm so terrified of the scale now, because I do not know which radio station will come up when I step on it.

Chemistry paper was screwed, like, screwed to the point the screw breaks. I left out one whole essay question, please tell me I did not lose 10 marks. No, shut up. It just happened that the clock was moving faster than usual, don't blame me, I did my best(?). Almost in the juxtaposition of the minute I left the hall, I felt like getting drunk by drinking up hydrochloric acid, sodium hydoxide and maybe ethanoic acid from the chemistry lab one floor down. And I stayed up a whole night doing the ten-years series!? I need to numb myself with a gallon maple syrup flushing down my throat. This whole prelims is death I tell you, seriously, I've never done worse. It'd be like, term 2 to term 3, massive super steep gradient in results then prelim becomes some landslide from Mount Bunny I tell you. Yes, that is the tallest mountain on Earth, you shut up, it really is.

This is seriously major suckass. It feels like a suicide attempt, except that it is a failed suicide - whereby not only do you live with physical injuries, you end up in jail. This is fail I tell you, just like being licked by a dog with rabies, this is fail. I'm going to bitch about the world now. My er, fleshiness, my impending kismet with epiphany of my unglamourous results. Like, totally unglamorous, give me make-up please, more, more. Alright, that sidetracking was so undramatic, so not me.

Disclaimer, from here onwards, it is not very intriguing to read.

I recently had the song, "Time of My Life" replaying all over my mind again. It just unleashes all those setbacks like an endless avalanche, huge impact. Am I just foolhardily pressing on blindly, or truly is this feasible? I cannot pull myself back anymore, because I believe in faith. Still, it never fails to shake me skeptical. Is this truly faith, or just blatant, blind stubbornness? I looked at that letter, the words seemingly just font 12 but it seems to scream out to me like font 12 x 10^5423642753650 or something. It blinds me, but I always say, no matter what, I can, I really can. Because like the lyric says, "holding onto things and vanished them to the air left me in pieces, but now I'm rising from the ashes", poignantly epitomizing my situation, but then it says - "find my wings and that I needed was there all along within my reach, as close as the beat of my heart". It just reminds me, and I allowing these things to obscure my vision of my dream? Perhaps, I am a fool, a very obstinate one. But I chose to think I'm just being obdurately inexorable, because the best is yet to be.

Lord, through the odds, I still stubbornly choose to believe - and that is what You taught me to do, to have the faith to believe. I believe in miracles, against impossibilities and hopelessness, I am Your Son. Make it all worthwhile, because I know you will. It will be the time of my life, because my vision is not just a vision, but the mental manifestation of what is about to be. I've decided to be a steward of Your Glory Lord, allow me to be Your Beacon and share Your Miracles as I show them the omnipotent reality of faith.

I'll fight, I'll fight.

Rebellion against hibernation, part II

2008-09-08T22:19:00.000-07:00

Apparently, it's been 2 consecutive days since I last slept. Yes, worship me. Blargh, physics paper was like, doing photocopied worksheets of the ten years series. Like, why did I sacrifice my sleep for it? Oh well, at least on the brighter note, I'd have less to study for "O" levels.

Right now, I'm like sinning in vertex gulping a seemingly very innocent can of orange soda. It's been ages since I ever ravaged on sodas, being almost Nazi about calories and such, so much I think I'm being deprived of teenage life. Alright, since it's just science pratical papers tomorrow, it means I don't have to feed my brain to the books. Therefore, I shall perform for you a serious ranting about certain people today.

Have you ever seen people with bodies that appear to be manifestations of anorexia? Of course you have, as have all of us. But it remains one of the top 10 most humanly acidulous things that these people - yes, the stick people - actually binge like they're Michael Phelps, who burns a thousand calories per hour with his god-like schedule of herculean energy expenditure. Michael Phelps eats more than 12,000 calories a day, and normal humans, like me(yes, normal = phat and pork-like) actually need less than 2,000 calories a day - anymore and it's weight gain. And the serious irk is that, these anorexic-body-colossal-digestive-machines spend only a nano-fraction of their life on exercising. O my God in heaven hear my plea, why hath thou createth my stomach unlike they?

One such example would be the very petite little Japanese lass called Gal Sone. A picture speaks a thousand words. What about videos - a.k.a., moving pictures?

My heart is impaled in the depths of envy, words alone suffice not my jealousy. O the spirits of air, hear me thee, let the unfairness not to be.

Updates, finally, yes.

2008-09-08T08:01:00.000-07:00

Alright, it's been seriously ages since I last blog. But you cannot blame a very ~~innocent~~ little school boy for being so busy with his studies can you? It appears that the exams have developed for me a very sick and perverted pleasure - I'm actually starting to enjoy studying. Serious, I'm so not lying I tell you.

And that's the catch isn't it? When you start enjoying the subject, you enjoy studying the subject and it ain't such a chore anymore, you dig? Yes, seriously applaud for my attainment of nirvana.

The exams also directed me to the discovery of caffeine. It might be there all along, but I've just been ignoring it, but this substance is magic, no joke. A cup of black coffee, two dollops of sugar, a very hyperactive Sae that had unearthly amounts of energy. I haven't slept for a whole night, and yet I'm still feeling energetic, how amazing is that thing? I've decided to make black coffee and obscene amounts of sugar my best friends for these few weeks. Blargh, that's good diet too, caffeine increases metabolism ((:

And these days, I'm craving to run for no apparent reason as well. I think I'm having male PMS. Hugs, bolsters, conversations, chocolates, even tofu - these random cravings just ambush me in the middle of the night and leave me whining for them, victimizing me and leaving me unglamourous as can be. I cannot understand that jelly up in my skull seriously, what is it doing to me!?

I'm seriously allowing myself to waste time today, because I'm actually blogging. It was a irresistable urge stimulated by the keyboard towards my fingers, triggering the receptors to send nervous impulses to the central nervous system via the sensory neurones, whereby the brain, upon receiving the impulses relayed over by the relay neurones from the sensory neurones send nerve impulse via the motor neurone back towards my fingers, the effectors, which respond in this very sacred piece of blog post. Yes, I love biology ((:

So, kids, he who is shameless shall now say good bye to kiss his books' asses. Remember to stay up late and kill some bunnies!

Pain, you just have to ride it out, hope it goes away on its own, hope the wound that caused it heals. There are no solutions, no easy answers, you just breath deep and wait for it to subside. Most of the time pain can be managed but sometimes the pain gets you where you least expect it. Hits way below the belt and doesn't let up. Pain, you just have to fight through, because the truth is you can't outrun it and life always makes more.

Dr. Meredith Grey
Grey's Anatomy

That's quite true!

2008-08-30T23:31:00.001-07:00

disclaimer : I did not write this myself, please look at the link at the end of the evaluation, thank you (:

What Sae Seah Chun Heng Means

You are the total package - suave, sexy, smart, and strong.
You have the whole world under your spell, and you can influence almost everyone you know.
You don't always resist your urges to crush the weak. Just remember, they don't have as much going for them as you do.

You are usually the best at everything ... you strive for perfection.
You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive.
You have the classic "Type A" personality.

You are friendly, charming, and warm. You get along with almost everyone.
You work hard not to rock the boat. Your easy going attitude brings people together.
At times, you can be a little flaky and irresponsible. But for the important things, you pull it together.

You are truly an original person. You have amazing ideas, and the power to carry them out.
Success comes rather easily for you... especially in business and academia.
Some people find you to be selfish and a bit overbearing. You're a strong person.

You are very open. You communicate well, and you connect with other people easily.
You are a naturally creative person. Ideas just flow from your mind.
A true chameleon, you are many things at different points in your life. You are very adaptable.

You are a very lucky person. Things just always seem to go your way.
And because you're so lucky, you don't really have a lot of worries. You just hope for the best in life.
You're sometimes a little guilty of being greedy. Spread your luck around a little to people who need it.

You are very intuitive and wise. You understand the world better than most people.
You also have a very active imagination. You often get carried away with your thoughts.
You are prone to a little paranoia and jealousy. You sometimes go overboard in interpreting signals.

You are deeply philosophical and thoughtful. You tend to analyze every aspect of your life.
You are intuitive, brilliant, and quite introverted. You value your time alone.
Often times, you are grumpy with other people. You don't appreciate them trying to interfere in your affairs.

Click : What's" Your Name's Hidden Meaning?

I can never forgive myself

2008-08-29T22:38:00.000-07:00

Blue Skies

2008-08-26T06:07:00.000-07:00

I spent my night yesterday thinking of my mother. Whatever it is, I truly miss her. And whilst writing the essay on today's chinese paper, memories of my mother flooded my mind. Most coincidentally, the comprehension paper featured a poignant passage of motherly grief and seperation with the son.

I remember how I always clung onto her legs, and hid behind her thighs because I was so uncomfortable with strangers. And growing up, from the time since I was an infant, I've seen many times my mother suffered nervous breakdown from all the pressure. But again, she stayed strong for me, and my siblings. Knowing how she comes to my grandmother's place everyday to look after my brother before rushing to work, and how she always misses the family, her pure, unadulterated, desire to see the family together. To her, nothing else matters as long as she can make her children happy. Such unconditionality, where else can it exist?

I've sort of recovered from my emotional battle with loneliness I guess, I refused to face my feelings and give it to feeling unhappy. I might still feel quite horrible in class, being lonely and all. But I've got friends, I've finally got friends. People like Wei Liang, Wei Jun, Wei Jian, they're really great, great, people. Funny how they start their names with "Wei", but what matters is, I've got friends. And another great friend, Mrs Elaine Foo! Love her so much, she's such a tacky, down-to-earth, selfless yet optimistic inspiration! It's quite the pity that she doesn't get to celebrate her teachers day like the others and had to run the rehearsal. She is a great, great, person as well. And subconciously, perhaps, I've developed a liking to talk to her, because she's more than a teacher. A friend, and whatever the motivators cannot give. I'd dedicate the teacher's day award to her, unconditionally.

But I cannot deny that, once I step out of school, and when my phone is away, I develope this very dreadful feeling again. My head feels so heavy, and as I look to the infinite skies, it served as a stark reminder on how I was alone again. People have their lives to live, and I'd be selfish to want friends like that, perhaps I'm becoming an attention seeker. The paradoxes of life is so humorous, it's verging on morbidity - it's those who are lonely that are afraid to be lonely. I think I might have autophobia, even though I've been lonely for as long as I can imagine. But sometimes...... It really torments me at how quiet my foot steps are. I long for a day when I hear foot steps, not just of my own, but of many, whom I love. But never have I been able to feel comfortable in this flesh, always, this self-concious spirits in me would remind me constantly, and harp upon my certain insecurities, only fuelling my fear of getting to close to people. As much as I desire love, I'm cautious of love. My life is a living irony, but in this irony I feel tension. The tension of opposites, as Morrie Schwartz the professor would say, mentioned in the book, "Tuesdays with Morrie".

It's the facade I have everyday, the insecurities hidden, but brimming in my heart. But as long as people lives, hope lives. The society of today might have taken away humanity, but in the hearts of human, God created an unwavering twinkle of hope, just like the Pandora's box. And as I know how terrifying life can be, and how much hurt a human relationship can bring, I've also learnt how much more optimism I can face life with when I have a relationship with another human. I might have been forced numb by the person whom I had to say "bye" to in the previous post, but Wei Liang have somehow made it alive, again. Wei Jun and Wei Jian might not know much about me, but they don't show discrimination, and are very accepting people. And it dawned upon me, maybe it might not be friends I crave for, it's more like, acceptance. And acceptance can only come from friends and loved ones. So I've just gone round the bush. But I've learn to allow myself to be a little happier, because I believe it is a choice.

"People shouldn't dwell on the past. It's enough to try your best in all that you're doing now."

"Even though I have been hurt before by those heartless glares this also helped me to understand that around me, there still exists some gentle glares. Therefore, I definitely won't run away. That's what I'll do. Definitely. Always."

"If you look up at the sky after falling down, the blue sky is still stretching limitlessly and smiling at me...... I'm alive."

- Ikeuchi Aya, One Litre of Tears.

The Stone

2008-08-08T01:38:00.000-07:00

I wonder what kind of life have I put myself in. It's draining me quite too much, but I chose this route. And I need to look towards the future, and understand the rewards at the end. But nevertheless, I am struggling to make ends meet even at the present. I do not know what to do. I'd surely figure it out in the end, because I know there is a purpose for everything that is placed in my life. Nevertheless, this blog serves for me to seek solace, to release it all out and move on after incessant ranting.

Firstly, the fees and the tuitions are killing me. I've owed Melvin a $100 for theory lessons and I have missed too many lessons. I do not know when is the phase 2 for DSA, but I do know that if I want to do well even in the appeal, I need to have my standards in check. And it worries me so that my saxophone playing is deteriorating at an alarming rate. I've lost my embouchure and my tone is horrible. The dexterity of my fingers seem to be failing and I've yet to attend tuition simply because I do not have the money to pay. Furthermore, I have my theory exam to worry as well and I need another additional $110 for registration fees. As a student who gets only $10 a day, where am I to find the money? I have resorted to many things that went against my morals just to pay for all these, and I have yet to buy my mouthpiece and ligature, let alone an instrument. How am I going to survive like this? Practical lessons alone I've not attended for way too long, I need to improve.

And not to forget, I have lots of books to buy. To be very frank, from the start of the year, I already lost my biology, chemistry and physics textbooks. And I've been studying very hard through all the guide books I can afford as well as the 10-years series. Praise the Lord I have tuition to keep me surviving but I need those books to study! And it would be murder to ask my father for funds on all these. Because it is to my utter irresponsibility that I actually lost these books. I need money, and have been in all kinds of fantasy about material abundance, but they are not reality.

Furthermore, my grandmother's condition is aggravating right before my eyes everyday. Many nights, I do not know, but my grandmother has actually got up to vomit. With her sleeping patterns being irregular, it is obvious to me that she is not feeling too well. And today, after the check-up from the doctor, she is low on blood count. Her mood has been pretty bad as well and she's not feeling too good. I do not know, but I just hope she's feeling alright. The doctor has also increased her dosage of painkillers. I honestly do not know what will happen the very next day, hour, or minute.

And my studies, there is only so little time left to prelims and I do not seem to have enough time to study. Perhaps my procrastinating habit gets the better of me sometimes, but I cannot give myself excuses. I must perform! I have much to catch up in mathematics, biology, humanities and sciences! That's almost all my subjects! And I do not know about my chinese language, I totally have no confidence in it and I seriously need to retake the examinations. Yet, through it all, I do not have lessons at all! What am I to do? I brought the matter up to the teacher, and it seemed to fall on deaf ears because nothing had been done and no reply had been given, leaving the students helpless and daunted.

Perhaps humanities can be covered through this measly two weeks left if invested much concentration and efforts, and perhaps biology too. But for mathematics, I have less than two weeks left. I cannot practice enough, and I am too ignorant about many things. I said I want to get A1, but how possible is it for me? Belief requires works to manifest into reality. I do not know how, but I'll get through somehow with effort. I do not know about my sciences. Though I've improved heaps and bounds since the last chemistry exam, I cannot deny that my standard is too precariously below par and if I need to get into ACJC, I must show Dr Lee that however bleak my results seemed during mid-year, I can still get in. My passion and desire to get into ACJC will never falter but instead burn even stronger as the day goes by. I must get in, I really must.

I am sick and tired of the almost countless "you can'ts" I hear from people. Once and for all, I'll show the world I am a son of God. And because I am a son of God, my potential is infinite. Self-delusion, I hear you say. But I refuse to comply, I call this "faith". With so many things to get by, I feel like a hand with sand in it. There is so much sand a hand can contain as in the end, the sand will still escape through the tiniest cracks and openings of the fingers. But the Holy Spirit is just like moisture, it clumps the sand gains together and allow my hand to sustain all the sand in it. In time, towards the end, with all the treatment of moisture and the moulding of the hand, it would all turn into a solid sphere of harden processed sand called a stone. And that stone would be so hard and sturdy I shall shatter all the barriers that once invaded my life.

"Greater is He who is in you than he who is in the world", "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me". It is because I know still, that the best is yet to be. With Jesus, what are all these to me?

Bye Bye [II, coming to terms.]

2008-08-07T04:33:00.000-07:00

I've grown to be frank with myself. Perhaps I've more or less come to terms with all these that has been happening. While tears, brimming with emotions, may flow - they still, no matter what, fade and evaporate in time. And pain, with the fleeting seconds, do fade too. Albeit leaving scars behind. I cannot deny that the pain lingers on sometimes. The silence at night, the recurring memories, these tears may still escape the corners of my eye but still, I will not let it bring me down again.

I've chosen to deny against my loneliness. In all things, there exists multiple perspectives and I have learned to no longer keep my sight narrowed into only the perspective as I view it to be. Perhaps an end is actually a beginning. That day whilst attending Daniel's grandmother's funeral, I have come to understand that death is not a loss. I looked at the funeral and looked at the people. Some, like me, did not even know Daniel's grandmother, yet we came. Why? I've come to wonder. Why do people gather when others die? Why people feel they should?

It is because the human spirit knows, deep down, that all lives intersect. That death doesn't just take someone, it misses someone else, and in the small distance between being taken and being missed, lives are changed.

I was blinded and felt like the most wretched person. Everytime I said I have lost the purpose of my life, someone else has lost their everything, people have lost not just people, but many more things precious in their lives at that very moment too. It happens everyday. When lightning strikes a minute after you are gone, or an airplane crashes that you might have been on. When your loved one falls ill and you do not. We think such things are random. But there is a balance to it all. One withers, another grows. Birth and death are part of a whole.

It is perhaps why we are drawn to babies... and to funerals. Perhaps I might not have yet to understand what have I gained from this loss, but I've certainly learnt to hold strong to my faith and keep believing. Perhaps this is what love is all about, about continuing to love regardless of how cold or hostile the atmosphere might be. I have gained strength in loss and maybe the steadfastness in love - it's unconditionality and the sacrificiality of it.

God told me this : "No life is a waste, the only time you waste is the time you spend thinking you're alone."

We all make sacrifices, it is part of life. It is supposed to be. It's not something to regret. It is something to aspire to. Little sacrifices. Big sacrifices. A mother works so her son can go to school. A daughter moves home to take care of her sick father. The sacrifice I am giving, the sacrifice that brings me much griefs at times, great happiness at others. Many people do not see the reason to sacrifice, but they inevitably still do so. Why? Because humans, they know deep inside that whilst suffering, the reward - though intangible - shines ever much more significantly, because it is in these sacrifices they find meaning. And the meaning might not make sense, it might not be fair. But still, that is love. Love is not fair, it is unconditional. Sacrifice thus equates to love. Fairness does not govern loss and gain, if it did, no good person would ever die young.

Sometimes when you sacrifice something precious, you're not really losing it. You're just passing it on to someone else. Perhaps his departure from my life is a newfound freedom for him, new friendships and a life that he might like better. Perhaps I was selfish, all I saw was how much he hurt me and not understand anything I might have done that may have not made him feel comfortable. I do not know. But certainly I know I need to move on.

Lost love is still love. It just takes a different form. I might not see that smile and bring you food or play with you or even mess around together. But when those senses weaken, another heightens. Memory. Memory becomes my partner. I nurture it. I hold it. I place it deep in my heart. Perhaps our friendship has an end, love doesn't.

God told me that I am not worthless, and what God says, I've learned to listen.

Bye Bye [an Excerpt and Reflection]

2008-08-06T06:56:00.000-07:00

As a child there were those times

I didn't get it but you kept me in line

I didn't know why you didn't show up sometimes

It's something more than saying "I miss you"

But when we talked too

All them grown folk things

Separation brings

You never let me know it

You never let it show because

You loved me and obviously

There's so much more left to say

If you were with me today face to face

I never knew I could hurt like this

And everyday life goes on like

"I wish I could talk to you for awhile"

"I wish I could find a way try not to cry"

As time goes by

And soon as you reach a better place

Still I'll give the whole world to see your face

And I'm right here next to you

It feels like you gone too soon

The hardest thing to do is say bye bye

And you never got the chance to see how good I've done

And you never got to see me back at number one

I wish that you were here to celebrate together

I wish that we could spend the holidays together

I wish you'd come back,

the friend you always are -

in my heart, for life

No matter what, no matter how

I am forever waiting,

waiting for your return.

Can't

2008-08-04T06:23:00.000-07:00

Can't is the worst word that's written or spoken;
Doing more harm here than slander and lies;
On it is many a strong spirit broken,
And with it many a good purpose dies.
It springs from the lipes of the thoughtless each morning
And robs us of courage we need through the day:
It rings in our ears like a timely sent warning
And laughs when we falter and fall by the way.

Can't is the father of feeble endeavor,
The parent of terror and halfhearted work;
It weakens the efforts of artisans clever,
And makes of the toiler an indolent shirk.
It poisons the soul of the man with a vision,
It stifles in infancy many a plan;
It greets honest toiling with open derision
And mocks at the hopes and the dreams of a man.

Can't is a word none should speak without blushing;
To utter it should be a symbol of shame;
Ambition and courage it daily is crushing;
It blights a man's purpose and shortens his aim.
Despise it with all of your hatred of error;
Refuse it the lodgment it seeks in your brain;
Arm against it as a creature ot terror,
And all that you dream of you someday shall gain.

Can't is the word that is for to ambition,
An enemy ambushed to shatter your will;
Its prey is forever the man with a mission
And bows but to courage and patience and skill.
Hate it, with hatred that's deep and undying,
For once it is welcomed 'twill break any man;
Whatever the goal you are seeking, keep trying
and answer this demon by saying: "I can."

by Edgar A.

Walking On

2008-07-30T06:22:00.000-07:00

I've made countless promises to myself that I would no longer wallow in unhappiness and move on. Today, I kept pressing on. It felt the same, perhaps worse each day, but I know I need to get over it. Still, it never failed to let me understand that at the end of the day, I was still alone. Unwanted, unneeded and unloved. All that I've been trying to tell myself is that God still loves me, but it inevitably brought back countless of memories of the past.

I began to think of my Mother, somehow. I've come to realize that the only people who've loved me very dearly and unconditionally all the while is either Violet, Qixian, Zoe or my Mother. They have beautiful eyes, because they have the ability to see through what's outside, and appreciate the inner beauty of other people.

I can remember how Violet stood by me through all my mess, and persistently fought with me. She might not know what happened, or what caused me all those deep griefs, but all that she knew was that she had to stood by me and get me through it, no matter what - because she loved me. She is the most selfless person I have ever met in life, most honest, genuine and if there were a beauty peageant for hearts, she'd win hands down. But now being busy with burdens of life and studies, I've got less chance to speak to her. I interact with her almost...... no longer.

Qixian stuck with me through all my ups and downs in school and always gave me the simplest, yet wisest words. I remembered many times, I'd stay back in class and such, but Qixian used to always stay behind and waited for me. No one, in my life, has ever did that for me. He is not very vocal, brutally honest, but he was sincere. He is the most honest person I have ever met in my entire life and has been as encouraging as he was firm and honest. He does not lie to me, and tell me things - both bad and good - that I should know. Just him sticking with me and all the time we've spent, I am contented beyond words and even though I'm filled with grief that he's left me, I am thankful for everything he has done and the happiness he has given me. God, bring him back.

Zoe grew up with me, and I can say is the closest person I've ever had in my life. She knows much about me, she's been through much. Though as we grew up, we shared less of each other's presence and spent less time together, but the camaraderie between us never faltered. She's extremely unconditional in her love towards me, and we share a relationship greater than cousins or siblings. Regardless of how little/much we might know each other, we cannot deny one thing. We'll stick by each other no matter what. We're cousins, by blood, acquaintances, by destiny and for life. She cares for me, though we don't talk about it much, she loves me. I love her, my cousin, my sister, my friend. Though we see each other only fortnightly, the times I spent with her made me forget my loneliness, I no longer felt alone. If only it would last...... nevertheless, she made me realize that there are much more things to be happy for. It's always during the lowest times in my life, when I'm feeling the loneliest will she suddenly appear and let me know I'm not alone. I don't see her much, but she always comes during the times I'm alone, like an angel - a guardian angel.

If there's anybody I live for, it would be my Mother. Numerous times I've contemplated suicide, numerous. But always, I'd stop myself the very moment I thought of my Mother. Just by thinking of her, all my 16 years of life would come flashing back into my mind and I'd realize the pain and sufferings she has gone through, the unconditional love she has shown me and her ever-forgiving spirit. She loves me so much and sacrifices so much, so much that I feel extremely undeserving to be her son. I'd always remember my life with her as a child, those were the happiest moments of my life, before life robbed me away of my innocence. If there could be a part of my life which I could constantly replay over and over again, it'd be those childhood days I spent with my mother.

I remember how my father hasn't been too nice on my mother. I remember how my father treated my mother and I remember seeing numerous times, my mother breaking down in front of me, the first time back when I was still an infant. All I could do was hug my mother and tell her to stop crying. Telling her I love her, I did not know what happened or anything. All I understood was that when a person is sad, she would cry, and I used to think just by showing love, she'd be happy again. Perhaps, that is true afterall, not just a childhood mentality. Because I'm desperate for some of that as well. But ever since she's gone to work......

I supported her, and believed whatever she does is right. To me, she is ever righteous and was never wrong, a perfect figurine of human life. Through all these years, from the day she was borned till right now, she has been suffering, always suffering. So much that the deepest desire of my heart is to simply just see her happy. But ever since she started working, I observed her slowly becoming someone else, I didn't know who she was, but somehow, when she spoke to me sometimes, I knew she was still my mother. But somehow, it still felt like I've lost my mother. I do not blame her for anything at all, in fact I have no rights to. But since she's started work, she've almost forgot that she's a mother and a wife. Maybe she hasn't, and I am an ingrate for saying such things, but still, I did not know how to cope during that period of time. I felt lost. The sense of confusion which I've been trying to deny for months, it only accumulated and hit me back even harder.

But I cannot blame her, for years, my father hasn't given her much freedom. My father's the typical chauvinistic husband that is almost as egoistic. When one finally has the chance to have what she doesn't have, she'd not be able to see a limit to it. Perhaps, that is why my mother is more obsessed with her work now, and I cannot blame her. But still, I cannot understand why the pain still lingers in my heart, I do not know why do I even feel hurt for. I do not know whether to cry because I have lost my mother, or smile because maybe she's happier as she is now. All I can say is that, everyday, as much as I appear indifferent, void of emotions and perhaps optimistic, I desire deeply to see her and hug her, and tell her how much I love her.

I cannot deny, even though I am undeserving of much love, I desire to be loved. Maybe that's a very selfish and thick-skinned thing to ask, but I want to be loved. Everyday, when I walk to school and every afternoon, when I walk home alone, I'd realize how heavy each step felt. How it felt to have lost almost everything life gave you. Then you'd realize that...... nobody loves you anymore. That is when I look up into the skies and say, "God, if you hear me, let me feel love".

God is love, but His son hasn't been faithful. He has been too overwhelmed by all the loneliness in his life and his fatigue in fighting against storms alone. He needs hope, he needs love. He has no one else left in his life. His friends have left. His mother have left. His grandmother is leaving soon. He has no one else left.

If You hear my cries Lord, if You do, tell me I am not alone. Tell me You love me. Tell me I have people in life that loves me. Most of all, bring back all those that I have lost. I've promised to stand up and keep walking. I know I can get through all these because I am a child of God. I have dreams, visions, hopes and goals in life I want to achieve. But I know Lord, that inevitably, I cannot do it all alone. I need people in my life, I need to feel love.

Tell me I am not alone, please.

God Help the Outcasts

2008-07-27T07:22:00.000-07:00

I don't know if You can hear me

Or if You're even there

I don't know if You would listen

To a sinner's prayer

Yes, I know I'm just an outcast

I shouldn't speak to You

Still I see Your face and wonder

Were You once an outcast too?

God help the outcasts

Hungry from birth

Show them the mercy

They don't find on earth

God help my people

We look to You still

God help the outcasts

Or nobody will

I ask for wealth

I ask for fame

I ask for glory to shine on my name

I ask for love I can possess

I ask for God and His angels to bless me

I ask for nothing

I can get by

But I know so many

Less lucky than I

Please help my people

The poor and downtrod

I thought we all were

the children of God

God help the outcasts

Children of God

Regardless of who you are, rich or poor, popular or unaccepted, famous or unwanted - you share the same skies with the world, the same God, the same love.

You are the apple of God's eye.

Vision

2008-07-25T09:13:00.000-07:00

Faith is the substance of things hoped for and the evidence of things not yet seen.

Walking through the Guangyang secondary school gate, I felt like it is be my last time walking through it with it's uniform. With a deep breath of a feeling akin to anxiety and excitement, I ran down the incline slope down towards the lockers and up into the hall. I see Joy, she is screaming and jumping, I see him smiling and laughing then I see Miss Aljunied, she says, "Sae, there is no other teacher that can feel any prouder than me right now, you have made me extremely proud!". I look at the piece of beautiful laminated and officiated paper. What I saw almost literally embossed towards me.

English Language A1

Chinese Language A1

Elementary Mathematics A1

Science (Physics and Chemistry) A1

Biology A1

Humanities (Social Studies and History) A1

Total number of points : 6

Number of "O" level examinations sat for : 1

Allocated Junior College : Anglo Chinese Junior College

I fell down on my knees in disbelief and amazement, falling to the floor crying, all the precious people in my life embraced me with the purest joy I've ever felt. It wa so much joy that it emanated out of my heart right to the pores of my skin.

Then suddenly when I open my eyes amidst the joyful yet messy face, I see the people hugging me were no longer those that I know, but instead are the students of Anglo Chinese Junior College, my orientation mates in ACJC orientation camp 2009. I looked at all of them, then unwittingly manifested into a brilliant smile brimming with exuberance. This joy I felt was a joy that I've never felt before in my life. It was like a magnificent tempest rushing forth from the depth of my soul. Tears of tamed hysteria beaded my face with droplets of warmth and I stared at all these people again at disbelief. Qixian, Springsfield, Joy, and many more ACSians whom I know but not yet their names smiled at me with assurance.

I looked down at my body. It was no longer in stripes, it was two pockets, a white shirt with a blue inner collar and on that collar was a badge that shone in great grandeur and magnificence. It was the badge of ACS - red, yellow, blue, with the picture of a wyvern; a lion head, dragon body, eagle wings and talons. Then the Lord said, "this is the time of your life, My dear son, the ACSian scholar". Together with all my college mates, we stood together and sang the ACS school anthem together in seamless unity. I was no longer lonely or insecure, I was an ACSian, an ACSian from Anglo Chinese Junior College, Hallelujah!

I was happy, such pure emotion only describable by the simplest word. I was filled with delirious ecstacy, full of friends, no more loneliness or insecurity, no more despair and helplessness. God said, "son, you were and never will be alone, when you lost your only friends and meaning in life, I was with you. when you were crying in despair, grief and pain, My heart and your's are one". I looked into the infinite skies, I turned and took a good look at all my friends again. My heart, the heavens, my spirit and soul then echoed as one to the Anglo Chinese School's everlasting motto - the best is yet to be.

2008-07-23T07:05:00.000-07:00

I tried asking a few questions, creating some talk or something. But it simply turned out that he really dislikes me after all. Well, what can I say? I'm a bloody horrible person to start with, a rotten friend.

Still, I've been disabled of the ability to trust anymore. He and some people used to make me believe that I would never have to face loneliness anymore, that I was no longer alone and have friends. I couldn't have been more stupid but to totally take their existence as pillars of my life, they became my reason to live. His companionship became the reason I do not mind going to school. Because through many things, I had come to realize he was there for me, when no one was willing to acknowledge me, he was still there for me, regardless of how rough the storm was.

No one would ever know the feeling of finally having broken out of loneliness after such long, painful period of helplessness. No one would ever know how it feels to finally have a friend, have a support, have a person who gives you some reason to live for. Jeanette, him, and some people, they had become the pillars of my life, who are the reasons I live for. But after all, he was the one he stuck with me most, someone I knew I could trust. Before that, I was too traumatized to find people to trust, love and believe in. Now, I'm back to history.

I've come to realize that my attitude is truly horrendous. But nevertheless, I think I deserve it all, I've come to believe how truly worthless I am. Perhaps, I'm better off dead. I am undeserving of love, from anybody.

But still, do you know how bloody painful it fucking feels? When all the meaning in your life gets swiped just like that?! I know how fucking rotten a person I am. I know how disgusting I can be. Why couldn't you just tell me straight!? Why do you just go away like that? Can't you just fucking tell me my bloody problems? You made me believe I had a friend, that I was worthy for friendship, that God loves me and I will not be alone. But why do you fucking do this to me? I'd rather not have had these damn things happen in my life because at least hopelessness is not as painful as the loss of hope! I fucking hate you! Why can't you just tell me what's wrong with me? You know I will change, I've changed so much from the past. I'm bloody sure you understand how fucking you are important to me because I have no one else left in my life! Why do you still do this to me? My mother left me, my grandmother is leaving me, I have nobody else in life, the world hates me and I thought I had found love, found people whom I can call friends, of which the dearest one is you. I sound like a fucking gay fag right now but you don't fucking know how important you are to me as a friend. In fact, the word "friend" is something I am undeserving to have. Yet everything just crumbles down like this.

Why is life robbing away people close to me? Why is life taking away people who give meaning to my existence!? My mother, my friend, everything I work so hard for and live for. Why must life take away the meaning of my existence!?

WHY? FUCKING WHY!? I have come to learn that I am undeserving of any love at all, and I must not love. Because it would only end up killing me, because no matter how I try, it would all end up destroyed.

I hate myself. I have the bloodiest shit of mass ever produced. Just stop giving me anymore hopes, none of them are real! I am nobody, take away my soul, my emotions, just stop torturing me!

ARGH, FUCK IT!

Frozen

2008-07-21T07:56:00.000-07:00

I'm sick and tired. Extremely tired.
I need a friend...

Truth

2008-07-20T07:01:00.000-07:00

I'd have already known it very long ago, but I just chose to not acknowledge it. Now, finally, I've forced myself to accept it. The truth will always be the truth and I believe it sets me free. It hurts so much, it's excrutiating, but I know that denial acts like a silent plague, it'd only keep breeding the virus and in the end overwhelm your whole body. Therefore, while I'd have to face tremendous hurt, I have to stop lying to myself or else it gets the better of me in the end.

Now, I'm blessed with a second chance. Another strive for my Jerusalem and another chance to race again. I am sad to say, I did not pass the audition. But then, in midst of all the difficulty in coming terms with the truth and all my tear-filled prayers, I was given a second chance. A second shot of faith, another race of hope, another leap for Jerusalem. And this time, with the second chance, I'm not letting it go so easily anymore.

I dare say I sacrificed and worked to my maximum for the previous audition. But I know that through God, I have got no limit to progress. This time, I can only work harder, much harder, and display my passion for all to see. My dreams, they never die.

Once again, I'd like to repeat the Sae I see everyday.

I see Sae taking the train to Buona Vista. I see Sae walking to school. I see Sae at the gate of Jerusalem. The wall emblazoned with the name, "Anglo Chinese Junior College", which almost shines in magnification of the badge worn on Sae's collar - "ACS". He holds his instrument case in his hand, joining the band, playing together with the AC Saxes, he shows that he is no longer inadequate, he shows that he is a true ACSian, the ACSian who lives for ACS, a rightful member of the ACS band. He looks up at the sky, he tells himself, "this is no longer a dream. Sae-Israel belongs to ACJC, he is an ACSian. Kissing his cross and saying a silent prayer of thankfulness, he enters the wholesome new life of an ACSian.

I do not believe I am inadequate, I'm only afraid that I'm powerful beyond imagination.

I am a child of God.

Right to be Wrong, Wrong to be Right

2008-07-16T02:24:00.000-07:00

Start being wrong and suddenly anything is possible.

You're no longer trying to be infallible.

You're in the unknown. There's no way of knowing what can happen, but here's more chance of it being amazing than if you try to be right.

Of course, being wrong is a risk.

People worry about suggesting stupid ideas because of what others will think.

You will have been in meetings where new thinking has been called for. at your original suggestion.

Instead of saying, 'That's the kind of suggestion that leads us to a novel solution', the room goes quiet, they look up to the ceiling, roll their eyes and return to the discussion.

Risks are a measure of people. People who won't take them are trying to preserve what they have.

People who do take them often end up by having more.

Some risks have a future, and some people call them wrong. But being right may be like walking backwards proving where you've been.

Being wrong isn't in the future, or in the past.

Being wrong isn't anyway but being here.

Best place to be, eh?

Being right is based upon knowledge and experience and is often provable.

Knowledge comes from the past, so it's safe. It is also out of date. It's the opposite from originality.

Experience is built from solutions to old situations and problems. The old situations are probably different from the present ones, so that old solutions will have to bend to fit new problems (and possibly fit badly). Also the likelihood is that, if you've got the experience, you'll probably use it.

This is lazy.

Experience is the opposite of being creative.

If you can prove you're right, you're set in concrete. You cannot move with the times or with other people.

Being right is also being boring. Your mind is closed. You are not open to new ideas. You are rooted in your own rightness, which is arrogant. Arrogance is a valuable tool, but only if used very sparingly.

Worst of all, being right has a tone of morality about it. To be anything else sounds weak or fallible, and people who are right would hate to be thought fallible.

So: it's wrong to be right, because people who are right are rooted in the past, rigid-minded, dull and smug.

There's no point talking to them.

On My Own

2008-07-15T06:36:00.000-07:00

It's killing me. Seriously.

I'd rather you tell me straight in the face, "I hate you" than do all this shit to me. Even when I attempted to break the ice and called him to inform him about some things, all he does is give me artic. Do you know how so damn bloody painful is it the way you're doing things?

I don't know what to do, it's breaking me apart, seriously.

So many things, one single entity. My voyage back in time seems to be getting so fast. The loneliness is tearing me apart and I've succumbed to emotional eating.

A sensation of pleasure mixed with disgust and fear, only finishing in worthlessness and madness. Each bite releases surges of pent-up frustration only to be rebounded with grotesque. The relief only reciprocated with heavier self-hatred. Argh, I hate all this, but I cannot control myself.

Honestly, I'm just wrecking my life all over again, and I have a dream to fulfil. But I am so tired of all this. Tired of always being cheerful, tired of smiling all the time even though I'm always set back upon all these stuffs, tired of my home, tired of everything. My incompetency in my studies has made it worse. And it's bloody frustrating how I cannot grasp concepts even after slugging through multitudes of questions.

The best is yet to be, the best is yet to be, the best is yet to be. I must clear my mind and focus on that one direction. Please stop wrecking my life like that, I've had quite enough.

ACJC, my Jerusalem, I must enter.

And now I'm all alone again,

Nowhere to turn, no one to go to.

Without a home, without a friend,

Without a face to say hello to.

And now the night is near,

Now I can make believe he's here.

Sometimes I walk alone at night

When everybody else is sleeping.

I think of him, and then I'm happy

With the company I'm keeping.

The city goes to bed,

And I can live inside my head.

On my own,

Pretending he's beside me.

All alone,

I walk with him till morning.

Without him,

I feel his arms around me,

And when I lose my way I close my eyes

And he has found me.

In the rain,

The pavement shines like silver.

All the lights

Are misty in the river.

In the darkness,

The trees are full of starlight,

And all I see is him and me for ever and forever.

And I know

It's only in my mind,

That I'm talking to myself

And not to him.

And although I know that he is blind,

Still I say,

There's a way for us.

-"On My Own", Les Miserables.

Straightening things out

2008-07-13T03:38:00.000-07:00

Alright, I'm starting to get overwhelmed by the alarming rate the clock is ticking.

In less than a month, it's prelims. After which, you'd get 6 meagre weeks - and it's "O" levels already.

Must. Study. Till. My. Mind. Explodes.

"The Best is Yet to Be" - Anglo-Chinese School*.

*see me there soon - very, very soon. Because "O" levels is ending, my days in ACJC will be starting. Call me stupid because I do not even know if I can get there. But you'll see who's the stupid one soon, very, very, soon (:

Temporary Rant

2008-07-09T07:32:00.001-07:00

It's been quite tiring, so many things. So many issues. I hate to rant, and often say that wise are the ones who solve problems instead of complain about problems. But I guess, I just needed an outlet. Perhaps just scream everything out and then move on. I might just feel lighter, I guess.

I've always hated to say this, but I'm still having monetary issues. Tuition fees - up till now, I still owe my tuition teacher a huge sum of money, and I can see he is still very frustrated, with the rising oil prices and all - my tuition teacher is in an unfavourable amount of debt too. And also, my parents themselves are facing problems paying the bills already. With rising petrol prices, my father is taking a direct hit as well from all this strain. And it is not their fault my tuition fees cannot be paid, it is mine. Because in effort to pay off my saxophone tutor's fee, I've took quite an amount off my subject tuition teacher's fees. Furthermore, I need to buy a mouthpiece and ligature soon because I can't be using 4C forever, to spend all these money, I need to have improvement. Then next is grandma's meals and even certain expenditures. And as much as I want to help, I feel completely helpless because my father does not want me to work part time. And I really respect and love him for that because he cares for my studies. What can I do?

Next, musically, I've got to improve. I haven't improve at all since last month in my musical aspect. My tone is much better now, but for some reason it totally cranked up during the audition. My sight-reading isn't getting any better and I'm not getting stable tones or anything. My embouchure still goes out-of-place many times and my air support has deteriorated. And my knowledge on scales, after working so hard, isn't really up to standard yet. Furthermore, in theory, I'm still quite stagnant in my knowledge, not learning anything yet. I feel very pressured. Now that the audition has an almost 0% percent of success rate, I'm casting all my stakes on the appeal instead. And if my playing isn't getting any better, I can forget about appealling already. Most importantly, I cannot get over the uneasy feeling that Fary doesn't really like me, and neither does some of her section mates. It makes me feel almost that it might jeopardise my chances. It was quite daunting to see the look of Fary's face during audition. I could see I've caused her to look down on me. And it is my aptitude that is lacking. God, help me.

And then I have my family, everyone's cranked up. It's messy as hell at home and everytime my mother or father comes back, they're feel even more pressured, adding on to their pressure from work. I'd keep the place clean but it will always end up untidy and horrendous thanks to my sister and I am at my limits on what to do. And it pains me how my mother, already so pressurized from work, has to face all the mess as well as my sister's utter disrespect and my father's paranoia. My father, being the chauvinistic and egocentric man he is, still finds it difficult to accept my mom's working hours and all he'd ever do is to quarrel with her in the middle of the night. But I cannot blame my father because after all, my mother has a family. And she should've known better than to come back to late. After all, her job isn't exactly that of a glamourous one and if you may say, not what mothers should do. She should have a better idea of her husband as well as her having of a family than to work to such hours. And it pains me to see how my sister has to grow up in such traumatizing childhood yet all I want to do is to escape from the wretched family. But still, because my grandmother is sick, I have to walk the last lap with her.

My grandmother's condition is not very optimistic as well. Her appetite is constantly dwindling and it pains me to see how weak she sometimes is. Yet despite it all, her stubborn will to live and her mental strength is so great that she does not want to express uncomfort towards us and never fails to love us whole-heartedly. She's been getting stomach upsets and even more frequent spells of nausea and she's still fighting on. As a grandson, there is no greater desire for me than to suffer in her place. Honestly, and ironically, it is most painful to me when she appears strong even in her suffering. I've been desperate to get her to eat and thus scouring for all sources of food.

And in midst of all these, I've succumbed to emotional eating to cope with all the pressure and it's killing me. The damned feeling of conciousness of eating too much slaps you in the face and you feel like the most wasted person on earth. And through the holidays and all, I've been eating like a swine and I'm returning to the past in an alarming rate. It's daunting how everytime I bathe, I feel different when I'm scrubbing my body and how the clothes I used to wear feels different on me now. And I start getting comments about how I've visibly gained weight and such. It's tearing me apart yet I have lost all control over myself and am helpless. I'm so fat, I feel like I could die and I'm starting to resort to all the senseless methods I've used in the past. It's tearing me upon emotionally and the tear-jerking feeling when I look at the mirror is returning. I hate myself.

Leaving that aside, my relationship with my friend in school hasn't been to great as well and I still feel lonely. He doesn't know how horrible it feels on me and the way he acts so distant and cold to me is killing me. I kept trying to warm up to him, and finding an opportunity to have a proper talk with him to find out what's happening, but to no avail. Honestly, he is one of my only few friends and is therefore extremely precious, like a support in my life. Without this support in my life, I feel like I'm ready to collapse any time soon. And the silence we'd have between us is extremely deafening. Yet all I can do is to put up an optimistic front because I don't want to become an irritant to him. Most importantly, the feeling of loneliness is terrifying - and it's all returning to me now. Honestly, even though I've forced myself to change and "blossom" - inside, I'm feeling alone and scared. Everyone hates me, I do not know who to turn to. And my mind doesn't help by always having me uncontrollably reminiscing all the fond memories and how I felt to have a friend. I've degraded to silently sobbing in the toilet to keep myself stable and maintaining optimism. The loss of a pillar is causing me to lose concentration in my lessons and it's become hard for me not to feel the loneliness. Especially during wednesdays, when I've to sit at those places. I'm turning quite sick with all these coldness, and it's robbing my mind away.

Academically, I've been struggling to stay on track. Yes, teachers might be unhappy about me not handing in my work. But I've been feeling too messed up to even think. And I'm struggling to hard to concentrate without thinking about everything I've typed above. It's like, I cannot concentrate on my tuition at all without thinking of my unableness to pay the fees. And the reaction I'd get from him makes me feel all the more wrecked as I give up hope on my chemistry. And for accounts, the feeling I'd get attending Mr Goh's class all the time would make me feel like a wastrel. I really do not know where my worth lies. And even so, in chinese, I've totally wrecked my "O" levels and it's killing me how I might get satisfactory marks. And I'm so damn afraid I cannot get into ACJC with such results. But yet at the rate I am going, I feel like I am plunging myself into doom faster than before. Sometimes, I still cannot get myself to study. And even if I study, I still cannot concentrate. My grades aren't improving, and I slap myself for that. I hate myself, and I still am unable to comprehend my stupidity. Even english, how can I be so bloody confident on an A1 at all? I do not know if I can even write a proper essay now. It's driving quite crazy.

I'm honestly quite tired of everything but all I desire is to finally get to ACJC. The price and the effort required is straining me dry - Lord, give me hope, give me strength for a better future.

Again, I ask not for lighter burdens but for stronger shoulders. Echoing the ACS motto, I will still tell the world, "the best is yet to be!".

Alright, enough of ranting. Now that I've vented all my frustrations, I will fix them all one by one. I still declare, I will be from ACJC, come what may.

Untitled

2008-07-09T05:34:00.000-07:00

Let's walk backwards in the aisle of time
and bask in the retrospection.
If God gives a second chance,
let me do my dance,
even if it's a swan's song.
I'd change my present and embrace reminiscence
and have those tears extinct.
Give me a chance,
to live a life.

Embracing Paradoxes

2008-07-07T07:49:00.000-07:00

Her condition's been aggravating a lot recently.

She's still optimistic - very optimistic, in fact - and despite the pain she's going through, she stubbornly refuses to show it. She finds it hard to eat sometimes, and shunned my aunt away for offering food. To be honestly, she might not even be a nice person to people who aren't her family members. But still, such determination and strong will to live on, how many humans in the world are able to achieve that? And perhaps that's why I am a stubborn person as well.

I've chosen to stubbornly stay cheerful with her and continue buying food for her. I've chosen to reciprocate her willingness to eat by going any lengths to get her food. I've learnt a lot from this frail old lady. Stubbornness, yes, it does turn people off. But it helps you get through the roughest edges in life. Like how I'm pursuing music stubbornly regardless of all the incredulous odds and such.

Well, the doctor said she's at the final stages of her life and the cancer's kicking in. Yet she still has such strong will to live on. That, the doctor is extremely impressed. Everyone's contemplating whether to tell her the truth or not. But still, they've decided against it. Personally, I'd hope they told her.

Am I insane - you might ask. But I've come to realize that nothing is more painful to a human being than to see their love ones being hurt. And they're afraid that grandma would not be able to take the news. But the truth is, I think they're more afraid of being hurt themselves. Because, regardless of grandma being able to take the news or not, they'd end up being the ones being hurt. It's a very ironic psychological mechanism we humans have been in-borned with. And it's such paradox as well. The important thing is, because grandma is left with limited time, she should be given the grace to know how much time has she left. Yes, it might be extremely terrifying to come upon the revelation that you're left with an amount of time quite specifically predicted. Still, it is then you'd cherish each day even more and live to the fullest. At least she'd be given the chance to recollect everything she's been through as well as take the opportunity to fulfil all her unfulfilled dreams for one last time before she dies. And you will at least want to live in a way such that you'd want to make as much memories as possible everyday.

I remember watching the 9pm drama on channel 8 one day. And I've been enlightened with a profound understanding from a small boy dealing with the death of his goldfish. It seemed so simple, yet it is a very basic fact us adults - who oftenly complicate things for ourselves - cannot seem to grasp. He said, "I was very sad, but I know that even if my goldfish is gone, I can still have the memories with it with me. It doesn't matter how long the time we've spent together, but the memories that we can have from it".

Life is a piece of canvas whereupon you are the artist. When art is done too meticulously, the artist usually have the tendency to neglect the meaning to it, making it too technical and losing it's aestheticality. Whereby it'd become an impressive piece of art but not an impactful piece of art because it was created to impress and not to express. But because as artists who have experienced much through the years and are greater in our skills, we tend to like to do art complicated, and lost the ability to appreciate things in simplicity, simply because we think they'd appear better. But we refuse to realize that the greatest life lessons and experiences come from the simplest sources. That, is life - learning to see sophistication in simplicity, the beauty in adversity, the love in hostility - people always look upon only the surface. They don't see the greater meaning to what God had place into their lives.

I browse through many blogs of people of age and all I see is the constant ranting upon their parents not caring for them, being irresponsible and such. But I'd like to ask, what have you done for them? Humans are selfish creatures, we always ask for things, and when they are not given, we're upset. But how many times have we given the things people asks of us? And as children, we'd complain that the parents are irresponsible for not providing certain needs they have, yet never have they placed themselves in the shoes of their parents and understanding their needs instead. We say they're irresponsible for not doing this for us and that for us, then how responsible are we actually for complaining that they are irresponsible, when they've brought us up for so many years? Happily, or not, it was they who have given us life and even the opportunity for you to even complain. Can you deny you haven't felt happy your whole life before? If you say you haven't, I'd wish to slap you. Because happiness is a choice and you have no rights to blame the world if you do not wish to be happy.

I've had enough of the world constantly blaming and blaming, no one ever understands what they themselves have done. From small scale to big scale, families to governments and nations. People always push blames so that they do not have to accept fault. They'd always preach about learning from faults and mistakes but yet be the ones always pushing blames around.

And I'm not saying one should consume all the blame and cultivate it in us to the point it becomes self-condemnation and low self-esteem. That's an unwise personal choice as well, because what you do ultimately affects everyone, not just yourself. So when you start harnessing all the blame and hurt in you, you start to hate yourself. And because what's inside you manifests subconciously, you'd affect people too. And you would become a very miserable person, because your misery makes people around you miserable too - and no one likes to be miserable. And therefore, by condemning yourself, you're plunging yourself into an abyss of unhappiness. What I am trying to say is that, like the food you eat. Take blame as it is. Understand it's taste and how it makes you feel, the sensation and all the lesson that comes along with it. While going through your bodily processes, your body would absorb all the nutrients - the lessons that make you grow, the qualities and growth you'd have attained from the mistake, etc. - and the remaining "blame", devoid of anymore life lessons to learn, are waste products, whereby they should be thrown away and let go. Holding on too much "blame" - a waste product" - would cause you "constipation" and toxify yourself. Whereby in this cause, self-condemnation and such. And the effects are quite dire.

That was one heck of a metaphor, but still, yes, I'd really hope the world would stop blinding themselves and yet whine about the unhappiness life brings when they can actually achieve happiness. Well, you might say I haven't gone through what you have and all that. But it makes me ask, "does that give you the damn excuse to not be happy?". If you choose to be unhappy, so be it. It is not because you're feeling sad that you are unhappy, but it's because you choose not to let go. You chose to toxify your body with all the condemnation and not want to learn from your lessons and be a stronger person.

I'd just wish the world would learn to stop blinding themselves with just the superficial things and start growing up. Emotions are beautiful things - they make humans, humans. It's all these sadness, anger, envy, etc. that brings colour to our lives. They are confusing and extremely difficult to control, no one can deny. But still, though emotions is life, we'd not be living a life at all if we get stuck in one emotion and not move on. Life, is a paradox that we must live.

And, this might seem out of place, but I love ACJC! and regardless of anything, I am going to be studying there next year, come what may. Call me idealistic and tell me to dream on, but because I am stubborn, I will never give in. For ACJC, for music, for life - the best is yet to be.

"Until I let go, gave into love, watched all the bitterness burn.
Now I'm coming alive - body and soul, feeling my world start to turn"

Dire Effects of Boredom

2008-07-06T22:46:00.000-07:00

Disclaimer : the following is a product of randomness birth forth by the dire effects of boredom. If you have unhappiness against Lee Hwa Jewellery or anything, don't look for me, go smash Lee Hwa's glass doors or something. And darlings, no copyright infringement intended.

I was created by fire to set your hearts ablaze

I've seen the purest of light and all I wanted was to see your face

I am your destiny, meet me at Lee Hwa.

:D Lee Hwa Jewellery

Even the computer agrees

2008-07-02T22:51:00.001-07:00

WHAT MAJOR IS RIGHT FOR YOU?
created with QuizFarm.com

You scored as Visual&PerformingArts

You should strongly consider majoring (or minoring) in the Visual or Performing Arts (e.g., Art, Art Education, Art History, Ceramics, Culinary Arts, Dance, Drawing, Fashion Design, Film, Graphic Design, Interior Design, Marketing (advertising), Music, Music Education, Music Theory, Painting, Photography, Theatre).

It is possible that the best major for you is your 2nd, 3rd, or even 5th listed category, so be sure to consider ALL majors in your OTHER high scoring categories (below). You may score high in a category you didnt think you would--it is possible that a great major for you is something you once dismissed as not for you. The right major for you will be something 1) you love and enjoy and 2) are really great at it.

Consider adding a minor or double majoring to make yourself standout and to combine your interests. Please post your results in your myspace/blog/journal.

Visual&PerformingArts

100%

English/Journalism/Comm

94%

Education/Counseling

88%

Religion/Theology

81%

Psychology/Sociology

81%

French/Spanish/OtherLanguage

75%

History/Anthropology/LiberalArts

69%

Nursing/AthleticTraining/Health

56%

PoliticalScience/Philosophy

44%

HR/BusinessManagement

38%

Biology/Chemistry/Geology

31%

Accounting/Finance/Marketing

13%

Mathematics/Statistics

13%

Physics/Engineering/Computer

In Revelation

2008-07-02T20:44:00.000-07:00

To love is to see the face of God.

Reminder

2008-07-02T07:57:00.000-07:00

Whatever it is, whatever happens. I don't really care.

I'm thankful, no matter what.

Well, perhaps I can't really accept it after all. It's... too difficult.

53

2008-07-02T07:22:00.000-07:00

Twenty plus six used to be a pillar

the addition, my motivation.

Supportive, never faltering

I thought he was one never leaving.

The realist he is rooted me,

the idealist that makes free.

Then twenty-seven subtracted seven,

lost himself and the rest of his soul.

He became such an idiot, 26 hated him immediate.

Along came twenty-seven plus 4

who lost 4 and became 27.

Twenty-seven lost his identity-

he is at loss and hated himself.

Twenty-six hated him, ignored him.

Always, he'd treat others with such warmth.

Yet to twenty-seven, it was akin to the artic.

Every day 3 of 7 days,

we'd have to sit together.

Talking was disabled,

and is but a fond memory deeply etched in twenty-seven.

Through the many hours,

silence peaked in decibels -

deafening as can be.

Yet once he turns his back,

or comes into the present of

artifical 27,

chatty as he can ever be.

The legitimate 27 lost.

Who is 27 to speak anyway?

53 is now 57.

27 lost his voice and died.

For My Jerusalem

2008-07-01T05:50:00.001-07:00

I have come to realize how powerful dreams can really be.

I've seen many people, and so have you - almost everyone you see, feel unhappy about their lives. To be honest, even myself too. But I've come to realize that through all these trials and tribulations, I haven't given up nor have I felt unhappy about anything - even if there are, I just let it go. Why so? Because I've come to learn how to look into my dreams, aspirations and visions.

As you take a walk through the society, you see many angry people. Some unhappy with their lives, some with their jobs, some with their insufficiencies, etc. But when you ask them, what do they really want, they can't give you an outright solid answer. Most of the time, it's probably something material and short-term. Like, more money, for some sickness to be gone etc. They don't realize that some things have already happened, or need to be worked toward. And they tend to shrug off a dream as well, just a dream.

I have to admit, I'm a pretty stubborn person. And through all these hardships and sneering, I've stubbornly clung on to my dreams. People dismiss me as a gullible, naive fool. Maybe. But nevertheless, I realize that it is because of my stubbornness, I've been able to brave through all those unhappiness and difficulties life has blessed me with. Because with vision and dreams comes direction, and that direction illuminates so powerfully that you realize whatever obstacles you face in the darkness becomes clearer and less difficult as you reach nearer and nearer to your destination.

I do not deny how idealistic I really am. I have lofty dreams high up above in the sky and some, as people say, are not realistic. Perhaps. But I've chose not to believe in impossibilities. I prefer to believe that they are just possibilities not yet proven possible. It is because of my dreams I remain optimistic about life. It is because of my dreams I live with purpose and meaning. It is because of my dreams I am strong.

Like Coach Elgin said, truly, the cemetery and graveyards are the richest places on earth. Simply because they're filled with the multitudes of dreams people had before death. But these dreams are sadly dreams that people die unfulfilled. And many times, it is because they've thought that those dreams were impossible to be fulfilled, before they even tried. People are scared of their dreams, because when sacrifices are not reciprocated, people get hurt. But I'd like to say, it is because of sacrifice and lessons we grow and achieve.

Right now, every inch of my body is trembling, because my DSA audition for my the "Jerusalem" of my dreams is tomorrow. Through all these months, I've put in tremendous efforts and sacrifice for that very moment tomorrow. I'm truly anxious and nervous. But, because I have a dream, and I'm just these few steps away from my dreams, I pray hard to God in heaven. Truly let His will be done. Dr Lee, please see my passion and my deep, profound love for music and ultimately my very desperate desire to get in to ACJC and be your student. Please look into my eyes, and hear my spirit scream in dedication and hunger for music.

Once again, at this final few laps, the image of myself is becoming clearer and clearer.

I see Sae. He is looking very smart and hopeful wearing the ACJC uniform he has yearned for so long. He looks up at the sky, the sun has rose, he carries his bag pack and walks into the junior college along the roads of Dover Close. Taking another deep breath and smiling, he sets his eyes onto his school logo on his shirt then kissing his cross, he walks in. Welcome to Jerusalem. In his hands, is an instrument case and in it lies his catalyst of destiny - a saxophone. He, Sae Seah Chun Heng, identified as S9270667B, birthed February 3rd, 1992, is a student at the Anglo-Chinese Junior College.

Tomorrow, at the audition, my greatest fear is not that I am inadequate, but that I would be powerful beyond measure. In Jesus name, I am a student at the Anglo-Chinese Junior College, Hallelujah!

Our greatest fear is not that we are inadequate,
but that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us.
We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant,
gorgeous, handsome, talented and fabulous?

Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.

Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people won't feel insecure around you.

We were born to make manifest the glory of God within us.
It is not just in some; it is in everyone.

And, as we let our own light shine, we consciously give
other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our fear,
our presence automatically liberates others.

-Nelson Mandela

Miracles, post dedicated to Benjamin Low

2008-06-29T08:38:00.000-07:00

I'm crying and bawling my eyes out right now. Not due to sorrow, but due to myriads of emotions synonym to the likes of "ecstasy", "disbelief" and most importantly, "gratitude."

I've broke down one time too many in prayers before the Lord due to what I've been carrying through. But I've always thanked Him for all that has happened because ultimately, it makes achievement much sweeter. I deny not, I've felt stress-laden with all that has been happening - my grandmother's struggle with cancer, my domestic unrest, my academic woes, my mountains of debts, my musical pursuit, etc - but all I know is that, because of these, the Lord's been able to maximise my capacity and I'm thankful. Because in all my prayers, I say, "I do not ask for lighter burden, just stronger shoulders." And if He decides to put me in all these, He'll bring me through all these. And that was when Benjamin Low offered me a chance to perform with him for commission. That very moment, I broke down and cried like I've never sobbed in years. You don't know how that felt, like a great intangible force - of hope - slamming upon your mind and body. Like suddenly, amidst the Sahara, you see an oasis. I thought it was a mirage, then again, it was real. I've never met such selfless person. And I just cried out my heart of all the accumulated stress I've endured through and ask him, "why do you want to do this for me?"

"Because you're a close friend."

I felt like someone appreciated me. Benjamin Low, my God-given brethren, you do not know the impact you've made with one sentence alone. Seemingly casual, but powerful. I felt liberated, I felt like Moses finally leading his people out of Egypt, I felt no longer like I was fighting this all alone. Someone understood my plight and most of all, my prayer came true. And this is when I realize what the bible says is truly, and undoubtedly, trustworthy.

"Ask and you shall receive, seek and you shall find."

And there upon, the moment in time, I was in this hysteria with delirium churning in the pits of my stomach. I can't really explain it, I haven't got the words. It's a feeling that you can't control. It's like that you've been crying, and you're empty and you're full. I was flying, like a bird, but shot with impulses of electricity. I believe this is a synthesis of ecstacy and disbelief wrapped up by hope, very thrilling.

Benjamin Low came to my school when I was primary 5, formerly from Saint Andrew's. And then on, I never remembered a single moment when he was selfish - I say this with absolute honesty. His birthday was the first birthday party I went to. And he was one of those few people whom relate in exact same frequency with me in terms of music. I even remember poignantly how he actually transcribed and rearrange the whole piece of "Light of Dawn" into a piano masterclass. It stole the whole band's spirits away and each tinkling of the ivory was embraced with wide-eyed stares and dropped jaws. It was enchanting yet amazing at the same time. And that was not it, even after graduation from primary school, he hasn't changed. I organized a class gathering, and it was a fluke. But he stood by my side. That was when I fully came to appreciate him because I was already a teenage and I've learnt to be more appreciative. I've come to see his selflessness and generousity. I can never remember any incident when I got hurt by him at all. And even now, after almost 4 years, he is still the Benjamin I came to know.

I cannot thank God enough for having this dearest brethren come into my life. Even after such long time, when people have forgotten each other and moved on, he never forgot me and almost immediately offered salvation to my plight. I was caught shocked yet amazed at his selflessness for a friend he hasn't been talking to for four years. Honestly, even up till now, about an hour since the conversation was over, I still cannot bring myself to believe the miracle God has placed into my life. This has brought the song, "When You Believe" to continuously replay over in my mind. The very poignant lyrics, oh so apt.

Benjamin Low, once again, in the messy state of delirium, I'd like to thank you once again with all my heart for the hope you've given me. You're my prayer answered and every tear I've shed represents the liberation you've brought for me. The sweat and blood I've sacrificed.

You're a Miracle. You're the prayer God reciprocated to me, Hallelujah.

Many nights we've prayed
With no proof anyone could hear
In our hearts a hopeful song
We barely understood

Now we are not afraid
Although we know there's much to fear
We were moving mountains
Long before we knew we could

There can be miracles
When you believe
Though hope is frail
It's hard to kill
Who knows what miracles
You can achieve
When you believe
Somehow you will,
You will when you believe

In this time of fear
When prayer so often proves in vain
Hope seemed like the summer birds
Too swiftly flown away

Yet now I'm standing here
My heart's so full, I can't explain
Seeking faith and speaking words
I never thought I'd say

There can be miracles
When you believe
Though hope is frail
It's hard to kill
Who knows what miracles
You can achieve
When you believe
Somehow you will,
You will when you believe

So in times when all your hope is gone
And you go through life afraid
In your heart there lies a hopeful song
That is there to guide the way
And all the hurt and all the pain
You soon will learn was not in vain
For all your prayers, they will be heard
They'll come to pass through faith

There can be miracles
When you believe
Though hope is frail
It's hard to kill
Who knows what miracles
You can achieve
When you believe
Somehow you will,
You will when you believe

Once again, thank you.

And I Mount on the Edge, Ready to Roar

2008-06-27T01:01:00.000-07:00

I've thought long and hard about my results and goal setting. Revised it.

Best case scenario :

English A1
Chinese B3
Math A2
Humanities A2
Science A2
Biology B3

total, 13.

Moderate case scenario :

English A1
Chinese B3
Math B3
Humanities B3
Science A2
Biology B3

total, 15

Worst case scenario :

English A1
Chinese B4
Math B4
Humanities B3
Science B4
Biology B4

total, 20.

For english, I've been working on it during the holidays. It should hopefully regain aptitude.

For chinese, I've decided to retake my "O" levels and is making a point about doing one paper 2 every week as well as write an essay every saturday.

For math, I've made wednesdays and saturdays my paper 1 revision and paper 2 revision days. Since math is built up on practice, I've decided to make monday my algebra day, tuesday my trigonometry day, thursday and fridays doing through 10-years series topically.

For science, physics, I've been doing 10-years series throughout the holiday except for the electricity chapter. So, I'm going to take every odd days to revise through electricity chapter. After that, it would be 10-year series full paper every wednesday and sunday.

For chemistry, I've started studying organic chemistry as led by Miss Kim. Thereby which, I've decided to concentrate on it while my tuition teacher helps me go through inorganic chemistry. This is the subject I am least confident about, therefore I shall spend most of my tuition time doing this and every even days will be my chemistry days.

Biology. This, I believe cannot be completed through last minute mugging. I've decided to go through it topically as well but not too intensively because it is memory work. Over studying only cause backfiring. I've decided to dedicate the wednesday afternoons without remedial to study my biology. And so is the train journeys to church on sundays. Sunday nights will be dedicated to essay questions testing on the stuffs I've studied throughout the week.

Humanities, I believe too, cannot be completed through last minute mugging. I've decided to do study a sub-chapter of social studies on odd days and a sub-chapter of history on even days. A sub-chapter is pretty small, therefore, it can be done at night everyday. Saturday nights will be the nights where I will be doing exam papers for social studies and history alternately. Which means one sub-humanity exam paper will be done every fortnight.

For accounts...... I really don't know what to say/do. I feel like a bloody ungrateful wastrel when I attend Mr Goh's class because even though he's putting so much effort in teaching, it is not reciprocated by me and the point isn't because I don't want to but because I really can't. I tried studying and memorizing but they get forgotten easily because I can't understand. Whatever, I'm the epitome of pure stupidity. Blargh.

But I dare say, this might work out. Or this may also be just another idealistic fantasy. One thing for sure, I am going to ACJC, come what may.

And I'll taste every moment and live it out loud
I know this is the time; this is the time to be
More than a name or face in the crowd
I know this is the time; this is the time of my life
Time of my life

NINJA!?

2008-06-26T07:56:00.000-07:00

Seriously, I haven't laughed so crazily for so long. I read what I think is the coolest official report ever. Honest. See it for yourself.

School locked down after 'NINJA' sighted in woods

AP - Thursday, June 26
BARNEGAT, N.J. - It's the case of the nonexistent ninja. Public schools in Barnegat were locked down briefly after someone reported seeing a ninja running through the woods behind an elementary school.

Turns out the ninja was actually a camp counselor dressed in black karate garb and carrying a plastic sword.
Police tell the Asbury Park Press the man was late to a costume-themed day at a nearby middle school.
The lockdown began shortly after 9 a.m. Wednesday and lasted until 9:30.
___
Information from: Asbury Park Press, http://www.app.com

Me : WHAT THE......!? God Bless America.

Hollow

2008-06-25T04:23:00.000-07:00

I just realized I forgotten how to feel anymore. I don't know why, perhaps I've been too tired or been too emotional for too long a period - I "feel" very numb and indifferent. I feel empty and hollow, and it's not a negative or positive thing. Just, no emotions. Perhaps I've been too stressed out by everything? My life had been such a drama. Or maybe it is a defensive mechanism my brain has conjured up to help me cope with things. But seriously, I realize I don't feel for everything anymore. I feel weird in my own body, I feel quite lost. I don't know how to swallow what people said to me, and I don't know how to talk to people. I just...... feel very empty, like I waking up from an extremely wild dream yet forgetting everything upon conciousness. I don't know. Nothing seems to intrigue me anymore. I feel alive yet dead. I don't know, I really don't.

When I talk to my friends, I would talk half way and suddenly stop, exclaiming myself suddenly being very confused and unable to understand what I've been saying. I'm just going mad that way. And I see my friend, especially one of my best ones, I feel hurt somehow, sometimes. At times, I get jealous and at times, hoping fervantly he would smile at me like he did on the first day of school - to talk to me. He seems to ignore me already, and I don't know how to talk to him - or anyone else for that matter. I am just very, very confused. And I don't know why, I feel very lost. Like I'm in a labyrinth of emptiness.

And I get this very frequent urge to start sobbing, and I do not know why as well. I'm definitely not sad at all. I don't think I can recognize this as sorrow or anything. It's just a very empty feeling churning with dizziness and confusion. I feel like, it's my brain's way of telling me it's too exhausted - so much that the part of it controlling emotions seemed to have broken down, thoroughly fatigued by all the madness I've been facing daily. Perhaps......I'm just too tired.

But I do not feel sad, I just feel very hollow and light. Almost dreamy and floating. I'm wondering if this is a dream I am living that feels extremely real. Perhaps this post isn't real too, perhaps I'm now in my dream posting on a blog and when I wake up, this might be gone. It's eerily deja vu.

However, maybe I do feel something...... disgust. I'm quite overwhelmed by disgust now. It appears to me I'm returning to my horrendously overweight past. I looked at the mirror - and almost all mirrors, like I usually/paranoidly do all the time - I'm appalled by my sudden fatness. I don't know. But perhaps this feeling of void is beneficial. Because I do not have any emotions, I do not have any cravings or appetite for that matter. I don't know, I seriously don't. I'm just strangely scared, confused, dizzy, hollow and at times very sorrowful yet morbidly joyful as well. I really don't know. Perhaps, my heart is too tired of being lonely, and thus has shut off. At least...... being numb frees me from pain. From loneliness, from fear, from worry, from insecurities, from people, from everything. I don't know why, but tears seem to flow down as I type - and I don't have anything to be sad about. Tis' gut-wrenching manifestation of sorrow bursting forth out of no apparent reason, I don't know what is happening. All I know is, my head feels light, albeit slightly aching, and my abdomen and chest hurts. I feel tired, but light-headed. And it makes me feel oddly happy even though I'm crying.

I don't know, I think I need the asylum.

Hear me Elatedly cry Loathesomely in Pleasure.

I'm becoming pretty sick.

I walk in deafening silence

The people whom I loved piece my every step

I see their faces on every slab

I've become so sickening, they should stab.

Their faces masterpieces of art

each expressing loathe in snarls

Screaming from their facial muscles songs of their heart

sopranos of "I hate you."

Detested, you are my dear,

Irritance sums it all.

Existence, is but a farce.

So get away and live in pretense.

Acknowledge your worthlessness and

Emotions will all be gone.

Faith > Murphy's Law

2008-06-24T05:47:00.000-07:00

Murphy's law is an adage in Western culture that broadly states that if anything can go wrong, it will. "If there's more than one possible outcome of a job or task, and one of those outcomes will result in disaster or an undesirable consequence, then somebody will do it that way." It is most often cited as "Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong" (or, alternately, "Whatever can go wrong will go wrong, and at the worst possible time, in the worst possible way").

And now everything starts crashing down at the last minute. I am not going to deny that I am not terrified at everything going out of place at the last minute. Better still, they haven't even called, those people. But I believe that faith will still prevail. The silent confident I have in my Lord that I can survive. I do not know, and am in a state whereby I cannot think at all. I'm just giving my all.

Tomorrow's the audition. They have yet to call me to inform me about my application being approved. Better still, my scores all got lost the last minute. I don't know what am I going to do now but just constantly prayed. But I know that no matter what happens, it'll all work out. Because He made all things happen for a reason. I'm afraid. There's no denying. But more importantly, I'm hopeful.

I may not see, I may not know at all. But all I know it, He has made it all work out for me, no matter what. Faith is belief in the substance of things hoped for, even when you may not be able to see it. I'm believing - because I have the faith to believe.

I'll be Living it, my Dreams and Aspirations - I Will.

2008-06-22T08:20:00.000-07:00

I'll stop whining, because again, I know I'll live my dreams. I don't care what happens, because regardless of what, I said I will do anything for the life that I want. And everyday, I see myself wearing the ACJC uniform, playing the saxophone, holding my grandmother's hand and seeing beautiful results on my "O" levels results certificate. Come what may, I will be a musician.

Time Of My Life
By David Cook

I been waiting for my dreams to turn into something, I could believe in
And looking for that magic rainbow on the horizon, I couldn't see it
Until I let go, gave in the love, watched all the bitterness burn
Now I'm coming alive body and soul, Feeling my world starts to turn

And I'll taste every moment and live it out loud
I know this is the time; this is the time to be
More than a name or face in the crowd
I know this is the time; this is the time of my life
Time of my life

Holding onto things and vanish them to the air, left me in pieces
But now I'm rising from the ashes, finding my wings
And all that I needed was there all along, within my reach
As close as the beat of my heart

And I'll taste every moment and live it out loud
I know this is the time; this is the time to be
More than a name or face in the crowd
I know this is the time; this is the time of my life
Time of my life

And I mount on the edge of forever ready to roar
Keeping my feet on the ground, arms open wide, facing the sun

And I'll taste every moment and live it out loud
I know this is the time; this is the time to be
More than a name or face in the crowd
I know this is the time; this is the time of my life
The time of my life

More than a name or face in the crowd
I know this is the time; this is the time of my life
This is the time of my life…
The time of my life!

This song speaks for my life. Everyday, when I start the day, I see the time of my life, and move on knowing it will come. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. With my faith, I'll move the mountains in my life.

I do not know why I am posting this at all

2008-06-22T04:31:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow's school. Part of me wishes tomorrow would never come while another part of me eagerly wish for school to start quick so I can study. Once again, as I look at my DSA form for ACJC, I'm reminded again of my "O" levels, my grandma and all. And it cripples me with panic and fear. For JC - and ultimately, music - I've done many things I never thought I would. Things that went against my conscience, things that made my everyday burdensome and even things that made me cry. The burden is heavy. The cost is high and the sacrifice, crazy. As a sixteen year old, I'm face with mountains of debt and worry. Nobody thought money could be an issue for a 16 year old school boy in Singapore.

I wake up every morning just to worry about paying my tuition fees, my mouthpiece, my ligature, my metronome, my reeds, my grandmother, etc. Apparently, I've been sacrificing much for music and my grandmother. Despite my huge debts, I'm always thinking of food my grandma would eat. Because of the spreading of cancer, her appetite grows worse day by day. I've seen her shrunk from a healthily built old lady to a stick thin figure. Accompanied with spells of nausea, eating has become so difficult for her as her appetite worsens with time. As a grandson who lives with her, I cannot do much but watch helplessly as she becomes weaker and weaker. Because she can't eat, she is unable to take her medication because they cannot be taken on empty stomach. And due to that, her sickness kicks in and she feels discomfort. That discomfort causes her to smoke, and that only hastens everything. Therefore, despite lacking money, I would go great lengths to buy food she might eat, regardless the cost.

Seriously, money isn't an issue as long as she would just eat...... for me at least. I realize I'm very selfish. It isn't about what she is feeling, I realized it's because of what I feel that makes me want to have her live longer. Because I cannot bear to part with her, because I feel crippled - and I cannot do anything, at all. She knows she's not well, and day by day, she is experiencing the aggravation of her condition. Yet as a grandson, I feel exceptionally limited and desperate. And amidst all I'm struggling with music. I feel the pressure from not playing well enough, I feel the pressure from not having enough money at all.

Because of all that, I've gone to desperate measures. I feel like I've lost myself at times. I don't know what am I even doing. All I know is, for music, I'm willing to go through hell. Because I've never stopped saying this - I will be a musician, come what may. I do not know whether to laugh or cry at myself. I do not know whether I'm strong-willed or plain fool hardy and very stubborn. And then here I'm faced with insufficient funds that cripple me everyday.

I do not know what I'm posting about or what I'm posting this for. I just need to remind myself, I must get into ACJC. I must do music. I must prove people wrong. And I must show people that dreams do come true. Regardless of what, I'm sticking through it, thick and thin. Come what may, I am a musician. And I'm staying strong for grandma. I must.

Jinxed

2008-06-19T09:12:00.000-07:00

I met a person today whom I hold dear.

We share such telepathy I truly fear.

She held her breath to speak when I spoke

and voila, came the same word spoke.

At an average of sixth an hour,

she and I, we'd never know.

We have the weirdest jinxes,

of which some I could induce quinces.

Even our natural system moved the same,

the biology and physical processes tamed.

We share such uncanny resemblance,

even egestion and gas removal rung together.

This truly is terrifying, my beloved cousin

- the fearful jinx whom I love so dear.

My Conversation with a Piece of Paper

2008-06-16T07:17:00.000-07:00

It stares blankly back at me in the full glory of it's blankness. Awaiting in it's void the manifestations of my mind. Be it a retrospective entourage of words or an illustration of revelation and even meaningless doodles - it lays in front of me faithfully, awaiting to feel used. I speak to it, asking, "why do you want to be robbed of your cleanliness? To be vandalized upon, dirtied and marred. Though at times you turn out more beautified than ever, but many a times, you get thoroughly crushed upon and disposed. Why is it so that you still would want to stay by me?"

It replies, "as long as I have worth, a purpose in creation and have come from a source - I shall live to my fullest. I may turn into a masterpiece, or a piece of thrash, I do not mind. Because at least then, I have had my purpose accomplished. That is, I believe, the meaning of existence."

Continuing, it says "I believe I am a metaphor of many people. Sacrifices, risk and loss - these come hand-in-hand along with growth and success. For the creation of my kind, countless trees have been cut down. People understands that we are facing the risk of global warming, yet because humanity understands the need for my kind, they have sacrificed them so as to be able to achieve greater things. Humans too, are a product of much sacrifice from their parental bodies, therefore I would choose to be that no existence possess no worth."

I stare at it in deep contemplation. Why then, have many been labeled unneeded and worthless? Unproductive humans and failures in life - how much of a worth could they be? I inquired.

"I am a piece of paper. Because I am abundant, sometimes, I may be rendered worthless. But at the same time, people realize that they cannot survive without me. The world works about in paradoxes. For winners to exist, there must be losers and for greatness to shine, there needs to be failure. Paper is made from wood pulp and everyday, what seemingly is worthless and of no value are made to carry gargantuan amount of information people render valuable. What is worth? What is purpose? They are the ability to be of usefulness, in my opinion. And usefulness is the faith one has in himself to be productive, not the determining of aptitude by people imposed on a certain individual. We all come from the same source and that no man is made worthless."

"Then what if you turn out to be thrash? Won't you become worthless?"

"Well, my kind has been crushed and disposed as thrash. People might render them useless, but in my opinion, they're actually served greater purposes than many masterpieces. Because before those master pieces were produced on fresh sheets of paper, these are actually the pieces of paper that fed and fueled the producer of the masterpieces. They are the paper which was planned upon, the pieces of paper that are drafted and brainstormed upon. In my opinion, they are the true great ones because if not for them, the masterpieces would ceased to exist. People die and people live. And with death, the lives of the people changes."

I stared back at the piece of paper once again, inspired by the seemingly worthless piece of object which at the same time was a seed of a possible greatness. With a smile I've long hidden deep inside, I began my strokes of English literature on it's voidness. Perhaps, this is how God had decided to create the world. After all, it was how we all started, with a word and on came light in the midst of darkness. In the first chapter of the gospel alone, it has already been displayed the foundation of all logic on earth - for light to exist, there must be darkness. For everything that existed, there must be a reason, that is why we exist.

And this is how this piece of article came into your sight, for this to be written, I've gone through tribulations and trials. And so, in reminder, I would like to tell you, friend - you are worthy.

Sorry for this random post, I was just listening to the soundtrack of Les Miserables and reading certain articles and felt inspired to write. And at that moment, that blank piece of paper on my desk fell off and I went to pick it up and thought of my past. Because back when I was a child, I would cry with delight when I found paper. I loved expressing myself through art and drawing, hence paper was a luxury compared to some other candy treats. Then I realized how it is seemingly very worthless to me now, compared to the past when it was valuable. And thus came forth this piece of literature. Now I'd hope they give a one-word topic entitled "paper" for my English "O" levels. Alright, I supposed I might start attempting on one-word essays. I've learned to control my writing, finally! Perhaps I might at last be able to catch up on my English language. I've been too complacent.

December 12, 2012?

2008-06-15T11:10:00.000-07:00

Release

2008-06-13T09:06:00.000-07:00

To the certain people in my life :

I just want to let you know that the things you've said and done to me was very hurtful and it affected me. Yes, I was upset, I cried many times. But the thing about forgiveness is that, you do not need the other party to apologize in order to give it and that if Jesus could die so that all my wrongs can be forgiven, I would certainly want to extend this amazing grace to you.

At least, even if you do not need it, I certainly need to give it. Because I believe forgiveness is the freedom of mind, heart and soul.

Thank you for giving me the opportunity to forgive and grow.

With Prayers and Regards,
Sae

Faux Pas

2008-06-12T01:34:00.000-07:00

Apparently, I committed a faux pas so serious I pissed everybody off. Well, not everybody, but certain people. And the fact was that, I didn't even know about it. And some extra bitch had to act like she was part of those certain people who belonged to authorities higher than her and showed me attitude. Oh wait, I forgot, isn't she supposed to act like them since she's their resident bootlicker? Anyway, I've decided to clench my fists and let it go - though my mood was seriously screwed that night. I just stepped off the causeway after a gruelling 3 hours and decided to go back straight - not to home - but to meet my beloveds. And the thing was that, I didn't feel angry and expressed much remorse due to my frankly, unpardonable, ignorance and stupidity. Yet however sincerely and remorsefully I expressed my apologies and regrets - and attempted to fix the situation - I got one sentence that slapped me in the face along with the slamming door that ensued : "no, you're not sorry at all."

Have you ever thought how hurtful could that be?

Seriously, I just wanted to join everyone for one last time. Yet except for my dearest ones in the same group, how much of a family are we really? In my very unworthy opinion, this place seemed to me more like hollywood than a homely alma mater. Everything you do, you're constantly being observed and backstabbed upon. Instead of walking about freely at home, you're threading on scrutiny and sabotage. In fact, you get slammed for the list of things which are entirely untrue due to some bitch's rotten mouth whose words I think the term malicious can't even suffice. Honestly, whilst everyone complains about politics - have anyone seriously thought about what starts the politics? You all look at me with a crooked eye. So be it. But what I cannot stand is the fact that it seems like everything you do, people try to cause unneccesary friction which are totally uncalled for. Everything you do, it must be dictated upon this way and that way. Honestly, what is a family to you all? I've been to many other xxxxs and I enjoyed myself to much more. Why so? Because it's not about who you are, the superficial qualities you possess and the way you suck up to people. If being a good xxxx member means doing such stuffs and acting like you're in hollywood(whereby any accidental unglam/"wrong" behaviour and you get flamed by tabloids who make up stupid stories of pure fictionism to destroy you), I'd rather not be there. Because everyone has neglected the sole purpose of a xxxx! Where is the essence of a xxxx? This is more like office politics than anything else. Pardon me, but I cannot stand the system anymore and would want to leave here not harnessing horrible memories this place have flooded me with. I'm sorry, but except for the certain group of people who've stood by me and understood me and my intentions - of whom I've watched them grow and nurtured them faithfully. The others, I don't feel at home.

This post is entirely satirical and at least I know not many people read this damned blog. I've slogged my guts and sacrificed out of love. And because of the latter, I didn't mind what I was doing even though there are constantly bitches that wouldn't appreciate anything - of whom are despicable enough to stab the whole committee and climb to the top not by merits but by bullshitting and bootlicking. I've shed tears and struggled through for these group of people. But ultimately, due to some dictator's malevolent cadenza - everything I do is utterly wrong, despite the good intentions. All the 4 years of dedication and passion, I should've known better it wouldn't do me good. But certain people and visions and goals gave me a meaning in that place. But now in the end, I should've known better and dug my own grave. At least there, I can rest in peace. Honestly, I'm sure none of these people ever heard me bloody complain before, because I felt if it's beneficial, why not? But honestly, I agree so much - I don't even deserve to wear that shirt at all. Because even if I've done anything for these people, they would just be erased away or worse, distorted into something detrimental by that bitch. Selflessness is a virtue, but I've come to learn that selflessness in the battlefield of senseless politics is pure stupidity - even if you're not part of it. I've got myself shot one time too many.

But again, I believe in letting go and I've been pulled down by the past too much. Therefore, with this post, I've decided to just leave everything behind. Furthermore, I'm supposed to have stepped down. Meritocracy is but hypocrisy.

And you bitch, I've decided to forgive and forget about you. Not because I'm magnanimous, but because such wastrels don't even deserve to be part of the society - you produce nothing and keep causing more people to get hurt. It's not just me saying this, I could say it's the majority of the cohort.

10 Random Things About Sae

2008-06-08T03:42:00.000-07:00

I'm playing this very random game with my friends. Therefore, I'm going to state 10 very random facts about myself.

Warning : you may get grossed out at some points.

#1. Sae likes to eat random stuffs like apple in vinegar, rice in coke, maple syrup with everything, chilli blended with lemon juice, etc.

#2. Sae is very random and has bipolar disorder whereby he suffers very extreme moodswings. He can be high and crazy but extremely dejected and depressing the next minute. Beware, all.

#3. Sae has an extremely active imagination and tends to live in his imagination too. Sometimes, his friends cannot understand what he's talking about as well.

#4. Sae has an extreme liking for things that tastes sweet and gets super high eating them. He is sensitive to sugar and is prone to sugar rush. He also shares the same liking for spicy and sour tasting things and cannot survive a meal without chilli or a sour tasting condiment like vinegar or lime juice. His authentically Thai.

#5. Sae is type I diabetic.

#6. Sae has a very random habit of not wearing underwear. Though he only does that sometimes, when he feels like it. Because dear Sae knows it's perilous to not wear underwear in Guangyang Secondary School. So right now, he isn't wearing anything under his jeans.

#7. Sae is left-handed but is efficient in doing things with both his hands. And because he's left handed, he plays music simulator games like stepmania on the keyboard with his hands criss-crossed.

#8. Sae is deathly terrified of frogs as well as needles.

#9. Sae can't sing. But loves to sing and act like some retarded diva. He doesn't care about the fact that he can't sing either.

#10. Sae has the tendency to like to bite things. Anything and everything - from his bolster to his wallet and even people.

Now that you know 10 very random facts about Sae, please post 10 very random facts about yourself in your blog too. I'm gross, yes, fear me.

Random Male Periods

2008-06-07T21:56:00.000-07:00

I screwed my life up once again. Shan't elaborate, since I've moved on. The smart asses don't rant about problems, they solve problems - therefore I wish to deceive myself and think of myself as a smart ass. Shut up, don't wake me up from my delusion. Self-denial is healthy.

Anyway, I think I'm pregnant. I've been getting weird cravings out of nowhere from the beginning of this year. Just 6 minutes ago, I suddenly had cravings for cream cheese and cranberry and I don't know why so. Then 3 minutes ago, the cravings changed and I wanted a tomato. Now I'm eating vinegar and pickles. Seriously, I think for a guy, I need to lose estrogen. And my moodswings these days are worse than girls suffering from menopause. Man-bitchiness is bad for health.

Somebody tell me a way to make money, please.

Anyway, I'm so bored now I decided I should waste some time. And so, I decided to copy and paste the questionaire from Benjamin's blog and do it. Yes, I'm a hypocrite. I always say people who do such stuffs are idiots who have nothing better to do. But since I have nothing to do as well, I decided to idiotify(if there's such a word) myself. Here goes.

01. What’s the connection between you and the last person that called you?
Er, I don't know. But his a really great person though :)
02. Do you ever turn your cell phone off?
Yes, very often. Too irritated by so many damn mofos.
03. What happened at 10.00am today?
I fell asleep even though I woke up at 7.00am. I don't know why.
04. When did you last cry?
No comments.
05. What is your favourite thing to eat with peanut butter?
Nothing, I like it au naturel. I like to lick it off things :)
06. What do you want in your life right now?
Security.
07. Do you carry an umbrella when it rains, or just put up your hood?
Raining causes me moodswings and so I do not go out when it rains. Either that or I would just walk in the rain. Disclaimer : I am not emo. Now go hug me while I cry in the rain.
08. What’s your favourite thing to have on your bed?
I do not know what's "my" bed. I don't even have a fixed house to stay :/
09. What bottom are you wearing now?
Jeans. Without underwear. Gross out now, everybody - it's a random habit I have.
10. What’s the nicest text in your inbox say?
I don't remember anything nice. It's just filled with newsletters and chainmails.
11. Do you tend to make a relationship complicated?
Yes, too often. I dislike myself for it.
12. Are you wearing anything you borrowed from someone?
Nah. Never will do.
13. What was the last movie you caught?
I don't even watch movies anymore. No one goes with me I guess... :/
14. What are you proud of?
Sadly, nothing.
15. What does the oldest text message in your inbox say?
It's the introductory e-mail from MSN.
16. What was the last song you sang out loud?
I don't know. I sing out loud and act diva-ish all the time even though I can't :) I think... When You Believe? Yes, bloody old song.
17. Do you have any nicknames? What are they?
Chunny, Saeman, Say-My-Name-Say-My-Name.
What does your last received text message say? Who was it from?
From the usual mofos, "CGCs, ask your members to blah blah blah." It's obvious.
19. What time did you do to bed last night?
I don't know. I didn't even know I fell asleep.
20.Are you currently happy?
Maybe.
21. Who gives you best advice?
The bible? God? I just realized I don't turn to anyone for advice. It's not like I even have many people to talk to.
22. Do you eat whipped cream straight from the can?
No, again, I prefer licking them off from some things :)
23. Who did you talk on phone last night?
Springsfield. Though I don't like talking on the phone. But again, Springsfield's a great person so it's okay.
24. Is anything bugging you right now?
Yes, shit loads.
25. What/who was the last thing/person to make you laugh?
Don't remember.
26. Do you wear toe socks?
Yes, you want to smell them?
27. Who was the last person you missed a call from?
Shitloads of people. I don't even bother checking. Yes, I'm sitting in one corner and shutting myself away from the world. Disclaimer : I am not emo. Now go comfort me while I cry in one corner :)
28. Have you ever had your heart broken?
I don't know.
29. What annoys you most in a person?
Too many things. I'm too darn easily annoyed. But I don't deserve to get annoyed by people I guess, cause I'm bloody annoying myself.
30. Do you have a crush on anyone?
Er, maybe.
31. Have you ever done cocaine?
I would like to.
32. What is the colour of your room?
I don't even have "my" room. As I said, I don't even have a fixed house.
33. Would you kill someone you hate for a billion dollar?
No, I believe it would cause me to have guilty conscience and God wouldn't approve of it. Furthermore, killing is wrong - world peace (actually, hell yeah, I would kill for a billion dollars - especially if that dude's a mofo).
34. Do you believe in the saying ‘talk is cheap’?
Sometimes.
35. Who was the last person to lie in your bed?
I don't know. As I said before, I don't even have a bed that is "mine."
36. Who was the last person to hug you?
I can't remember. It's been some time since someone actually hugged me.
37. Did anyone see the last person you kissed?
I haven't kissed anyone before :/
38. Do you have a life?
Well, by answering this questionaire, I don't. And it certainly takes someone who doesn't have one to set up such questionaire as well :)
39. Have you ever thought that someone died, when they really didn’t?
I don't care.
40. What is the reason behind your profile song?
Profile song? I don't have that.
41. Who was the last person you saw in your dream?
I don't know.
42. Last time you smiled?
I can't remember.
43. Have you changed this year?
Don't know.
44. What are you listening right now?
My voices in my head. I've 27 voices in my head and they're quarrelling right now. Yes, I'm schizophrenic.
45. Are you talking to someone when you are doing this?
No.
46. Do you walk with your eyes open or closed?
I don't know. My eyes are so small they look closed :/
47. Is there a quote you live by?
Yes, and they're all made up by me.
48. Do you want someone you can’t have?
Yes.
49. Have you ever played an instrument?
Yes, and I'll never stop.
50. What was the worst idea you’ve had in the week?
All my ideas are the worst ideas.
51. What were you doing last night at 11.00pm?
Don't wish to elaborate. Screwed up my life yesterday.
52. Are you happy with your love life right now?
No. I don't care about one anyway.
53. What song best describe your love life?
I don't know.
54. Does the person know that you like him/her?
No. She'd never know too...
55. Who always make you laugh?
I don't know.
56. Do you speak other language other than English?
Singlish, Mandarin, Hokkien, Thai.
57. Favourite website?
Don't know.
58. What your middle name?
Does it matter?
59. What are you doing tomorrow?
Practicing and studying and wasting my life away while facing another day of endless verbal irritance.
60. What do you think you are like?
Nothing.
61. Who will you choose to die with?
Nobody, no one would care if I die anyway. Disclaimer once again : I'm not emo :D
62. Where have you been today?
My imagination.
63. What game do you play often?
For as long as I remember, I haven't played games for a long time.
64. Who are you missing right now?
I don't know. I don't really have friends :/
65. If you’ve to choose between friends n love, who will you choose?
My love are my friends, and my friends are my love. Does that count?(copied from Benjamin's answer. It's pretty tacky, eh? Now sue me for copyright infringement.
66. What are you doing right now?
Answering this bloody questionaire(duh?), breathing and still alive.
67. Which primary school are you from?
Anderson Primary.
68. Name 3 colours that you like?
I can't choose. I like all the colours.
69. What emotion you like to show?
Randomness.
70. What is your life to you?
I don't know.
71. If you have something troubling you, what will you do?
Do something about it. As I said, smart asses think of solutions, not get bugged by problems.
72. Who did you last chat in msn today?
I haven't been online today.
73. Who do you admire most?
Alot of people.
74. Which month are you born in?
Don't know.
75. How are you feeling right now?
Don't know.
76. What is the time now?
1:43pm
77. Where are you now?
Airport.
78. What colour did you use to dye hair?
I don't dye my hair.
79. Why are you doing this test?
Because I have some time to waste on meaningless questionaires.
80. What do you do when you’re moody?
Don't know.
81. At which age you wish to get married?
Don't know.
82. Who is more important to you? Boyfriend or friends?
What do you think?
83. Do you think you have enough confidence?
Don't know.
84. Who is the person you trust the most?
Don't know.
85. Do you believe in seeing a rainbow after a rain?
Don't know.
87. What is your goal for this year?
ACJC!
88. Do you believe in eternity love?
Yeah, I do.
89. What feeling do you love most?
Don't know.
90. Do you really think it's Global Warming now?
Bad english, but yes. Screw the world.
91. What feeling you hate the most?
Insecurity.
92. Do you cherish every single friendship of yours?
Yes, a lot.
93. Do you believe in God?
Yes, very much.
94. Who cares for you most?
I don't know.
95. What do you think is the most important thing in your life?
God?
96. What will you bring when you fight?
Nothing. I don't fight. World peace.
97. What have you done regretted doing in your whole life?
Too many things.
98. What would you feel if no one no longer cares for you?
How would you feel?
99. If you have a choice, do you want to turn back time?
Yes... and no as well.

And there you go, I've just wasted my life away. Yay everybody.

My Hands

2008-06-06T08:32:00.000-07:00

I've come to the conclusion that I serve a greater purpose that no one can ever imagine.
These hands have brought me to realize that the pleasures of the world I can do with them are but a facade.
My right hand is for nothing more than holding the hands of my loved ones and supporting my catalyst of music
while my left hand is for proving the world wrong that I am inadequate and that I can achieve more than what they can imagine in their wildest dreams.
They've crossed the boundaries of lateral imagery and are one because they serve only one purpose -
to achieve God's calling in my life.
My hands are my sword and shield.
They slay the disbelief and protect my loved ones.
I am not inadequate. I am a physical catalyst of dreams.
I am not what the world sees. I am what God sees.
These hands, they are not just for writing.
They for writing the greatest histories the world have yet to see.

I am a servant,
the living flesh and body of
Faith, Hope and Love.

The embodiment of dreams for all to see.

Man-bitch Alert

2008-06-04T08:21:00.000-07:00

I think my prelim orals are so screwed. Like, totally. I think over-enthusiasm was pure terrorism. I could sense Mr Lim was trying to tell me, "DOOD, YOU ARE DIVERGING DOOD. NO DOOD, COME BACK." But still, at least I wasn't really that out-of-point. I brought it back and in the end he just said - "I think that was quite sufficient." God, please tell me I didn't screw my orals up. I WANTED TO GET FULL MARKS. It's like, I don't even know whether I did well or I screwed myself. It's terrorizing my mind with their juxtaposition. ARGH, I should die or something. But it did feel like it went, quite okay. Screw the irony.

Anyway, I killed my cello trying to play it and my A and C strings broke. Wow, the talent. So now it's sent for re-stringing and John's probably gonna kill me since I promised him since lightyears ago that I would lend him my cello(wait, isn't lightyears used to measure distance? Well, do you think I care? - Yes, screw me :D). Anyway, got screwed pretty heavily these few weeks. Can't be bothered with anything anymore - heck the world, heck other people, heck the society. I just want to live a life and I think it took me far too late to realize that I have my own life to live too. I have a life I'm supposed to live for 16 years, but it appears that people have been deciding on how I should live my life. So I suppose it's time I shut all the mofos and their tongues out - I've enough of all those puppet play and I don't care what the world says anymore. Hypocrite, jerk, asshole, etc. I'm not just those I'm a bitch too. Now, say whatever you want - if being who I am is a bitch, then I'm a proud bitch :D

It's time I start living life. Screw my household, screw everything else. I just want to study for my bloody "Os" and practice till my lungs burst for the DSA. Wow, what a sudden mood change from my previous posts. I'm turning into a man-bitch, seriously =/

RAWR TO YOU ALL, RAWR. YES, FEAR ME NOW OR I'M EATING YOU UP FOR I'M THE MAN BITCH.

And it seems like I used the world "screw" and it's other forms for a total of 7 times. Yay for the repetitiveness. Rawr.

Motivation? Or Torture?

2008-05-28T05:33:00.000-07:00

I've been already very paranoid over my results and I sleep in fear of my "O" levels. Though tad exaggerated as it sounds, it's daunting on me constantly how I can't make it to JC with such pathetic results and I've been on mug-fest these days. The scary thing is that, while I always memorize my stuffs through the night, they end up being forgotten the next day. I still haven't really got over my mid-year results, it's killing me. Everyone asking, everyone scrutinizing, everyone commenting. Sometimes, I know they mean well, but nobody understands improvement. "D7 only ah?!", "but it used to be F9. And look, I've jumped 3-4 grades.", "but you still failed!" Whatever. It's driving me crazy how I'm unable to make it to JC. And everyday, I am reminded with that unsatiable strong desire in the heart - "I must make it to ACJC, come what may."

Some may say it's an extremely strong motivation because through this holidays, I've been studying a lot. Morning in school, study. Back home after 8pm, study again. But it feels like I'm not improving and it's killing me. Though it's drawing me to my fantasy of being a good student, someone that excels, it never fails to let me know how much of a failure I perpetually am. I don't know, but I'm constantly feeling very scared. The motivation seems to be so positive, yet in the same light, causing intense fear in me, the fear of being unable to make it. I'm so desperate to do well, it's making my head feel so heavy I feel so tired all the time and I don't know why. Everything seems to be over-amplified now. Why is it that since I've started studying, everything seems to be so scary? I always though I wasn't temperamental, but now, even a little strict reminder and nagging from my father makes me mutter swear words under my breath and evoke such intense angst in me? Why is it that with my aunt just reminding me on my results, I feel like I was going to explode? I don't know what is happening. I'm just so scared of everything, very terrified. I just want to do well so badly, I don't want to fail anymore. I want to be a student that scores - I just want to live up to expectations, fulfil my dreams, fulfil someone's dream and just be of some bloody worth. Why is it so difficult? I don't know but I'm developing such urge to bang my head all the time. I feel stupid, worthless and like an utter failure.

I do not care anymore, all I know is that for this holiday, I want to do nothing but study and prepare for the DSA on my saxophone. I must have my standard match ACJC band and I must have my studies proven worthy of a JC student. Miss Aljunied can say I'm too idealistic, my dad can discourage me against JC, people can say I'm too hopeless for JC - I don't care, I really don't. But at the same time, it always reminds me on my nagging fears and doubts that haunts me all the time. I'm going mad.

And the scariest thing of all is that amongst all these, I turn around - there is nobody. I'm alone. I realize my past has really returned. I am lonely, again. I log on to MSN, I look at my list. I realized...... actually, I don't really have any friends. I look at my contact list once again, I don't actually belong among any of these people. I look at my blog, no one actually looks - my tagboard is desolate and empty as ever. I hop blogs, I get reminded on how outcasted I actually am, that I'm actually alone. I question people who actually say, "I love myself." How can that ever be true? Then I realize once again my worthlessness and my multitudes of flaws. And then the nagging reminder of my fatness and ugliness returns while I turn to binging to forget everything. I return to studying and realize, I have no friends.

I'm terrified, stricken with fear. I wonder once again my meaning of existence. And again, I feel an overwhelming intense angst as my aunt said, "go bathe and change! Still using the internet......" What am I even angry for!? I'm an idiot!

ARGH! I'm going mad!

Home

2008-05-27T06:45:00.000-07:00

Amongst the sparse undergrowth,
I hid in escapade.
I don't know what is home,
nor would I ever want one.

Rain or shine, I don't ever want to stay here.

Yio Chu Kang MRT Station

2008-05-26T06:13:00.000-07:00

As I walked home,
the overhead bridge remained the same.
The traffic lights flashed as they do everyday
but one thing for sure,
tomorrow will be a different day.

The "tomorrows," however, are very limited.
I have to learn to love like tomorrow never comes.
Both my grandma,

and myself.

With My Heart, I See

2008-05-26T01:57:00.000-07:00

Let the videos speak for themselves.

It's the World I Know

2008-05-21T08:04:00.000-07:00

My sister left for China today. Good riddance. That was mean. But anyway, I always didn't like her for this and that - it's ironic with siblings. Staying with a sibling is...kind of a love-hate relationship I guess. They can be one of those people you abhor most but at the same time love dearly. She cried before entering the immigration, she said she would miss the family so much. As much as I feel like saying "whatever" and roll my eyes, I actually felt touched - though I hate to admit it.

I never really liked my sister for her attitude, personality and such. I didn't like her attention-seeking, I didn't like her rudeness, I sometimes find her stupid and such. But there is one very powerful thing about her I admire - her love and desire for her family, and it's togetherness regardless of what happens. Many a times, I've always haboured desire to leave the family or didn't bother even if it breaks up but to my sister, regardless of what happens, she whole-heartedly just wants a complete family. Through the many problems my family faced, I realized that my sister is actually the bonding catalyst in the family. This is another of the greatest qualities I've ever discovered in man and spoke about in many of my posts - unconditionality.

She really taught me indirectly what being a family is a about, loving each other no matter what happens. What most people find most difficult in the world is yet the most basic trait of this 10 years old girl. She doesn't blame anyone for anything, she just wishes to live in a complete family and many times, it's that vulnerability that makes us reconsider what we're doing. She is one of the reasons my family still exists quite intact today, even though another sibling can't still quite let go of the past. Nevertheless, it only lets us realize how much selfish man can be as life robs him of his innocence. The most powerful qualities sometimes are the most basic ones. Yet these basic ones are that of which adults neglect most of the time. The cares of life and weight of pride usually forces us to ignore these virtues. Let's start slowing down our pace and look at the world through the eyes of children, can we?

There is this song, extremely inspiring, written by Collective Souls. It's entitled, "The World I Know."

Has our conscience shown?
Has the sweet breeze blown?
Has all the kindness gone?
Hope still lingers on.
I drink myself of newfound pity
Sitting alone in New York City
And I don't know why.

Are we listening?
Hymns of offering.
Have we eyes to see?
Love is gathering.
All the words that I've been reading
Have now started the act of bleeding
Into one.

So I walk up on high
And I step to the edge
To see my world below.
And I laugh at myself
While the tears roll down.
'Cause it's the world I know.
It's the world I know.

The lyrics, in the very simple essence of itself is the summary of the world today. Are we listening? Have we eyes to see? Hope still lingers on, and that's what people are searching for in vain as selfishness and politics corrode the society. I dreamt of a century, but everyone dies if this stupidity goes on. I amuse myself to see my world below.

Everything pulls away, and we fall with thousand pound weights. Falling into my wonderland, little houses and big dreams. I step to the edge to see my world below and laugh at myself while tears roll down - because it's the world I know.

Our Deepest Fears

2008-05-16T07:55:00.000-07:00

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond
measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most
frightens us.

We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous,
talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be?

You are a child of God.

Your playing small does not serve the world. There is
nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people
won't feel insecure about you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to manifest

the glory of God that is within us.

It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give
other people permission to do the same. As we are
liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically
liberates others.

The true strength of a person is most outstanding in his weakest moments.

Unconditionality and Unworthiness

2008-05-13T07:00:00.000-07:00

I was so confident of my mid-year exams this time round. I studied through the nights and utilized whatever I'm learnt to full effort. People supported me, gave me purpose and responsibility - I had to do well.

I thought I could do well this time, I thought I might not be that stupid after all. But alas, I was wrong. Even english, I'm utterly disappointed with myself. But I knew that this time, I must not let history repeat, I shouldn't be a burden and nuisance to others. Back in the backstage changing room after everyone left......

Firstly, in my mind, I thought of my grandmother. I went through the whole exam period together with her and she's been encouraging me to study. The whole stay enriched my relationship with her profoundly and deeply. Everyday, I told myself - "maybe neither the world nor you believes in yourself, but your grandma believes you can. That only means you're not hopeless, do well for her." She's one of the reasons I need to do well and prove to the others whom looked down upon me and my family. Most of all, she doesn't have much time left.

Secondly, I thought about my parents and my aunt. They've sacrificed far too much for me and I've been so much of an ingrate. I only want to make them feel proud of me for once in my life. My dad, even though a taxi driver, pays more than $400 a month just for my math and sciences tuition - wakes up at 4:30am everyday and drives for more than half the whole day just to support the family. And because of my "O" levels, I've been an expensive child to both my dad and mom. Of which the latter works hard everyday as a masseur, exerting so much strength everytime at every patient's ache-plagued body. Whilst relieving others of physical pain, she's developed much pain in her body and suffers them herself. Yet she still goes to work everyday, because the family needs money. And yet - my sciences and math are not at all up to standard. It makes me feel horrible and guilty and useless. It makes me feel like even though I'm extremely undeserving of everything they've given me, they never stop giving me. The thought of it makes me feel not only utterly unfilial but unforgivable as well. I don't know how to break the news to them, I really don't. What am I to do?

Also, my aunt has sacrificed a lot for my family. Not only carrying the burden of my grandmother and struggling to stay strong in spite of being unable to deal with my grandmother's illness, she has to think about my academics as well and is constantly there to help me. Sometimes, when I see her face - though still cheerful, is so tired and weary. So worn out. I feel not only helpless, but very undeserving as well. She's very tired and vulnerable, but she has to constantly stay strong, keep working and support everyone. All these people and their unconditionality - what greater love can there be?

I wanted to do well so badly. I studied and really went out for it. But everything just fell flat in the short time of 2 days. The guilt feels so painful it's getting excrutiating. All I want, is just an all-out pass in everything at least. And also an A1 in my english, because I cannot to have many points in lieu of the amount of points my other subjects are. The criteria for DSA is at least 20 points and below. Because I've did so badly for everything, I cannot afford to get a B, let alone a C for my english. Yet with all the trying effort I've expended into my english - the resolution to no longer allow myself breakdown because of not doing well, to soar like how I always want to because it's my only forte left after being unable to do literature - I achieved barely a B with 59, C5. How much more pathetic can I ever be!?

All these people and my inability has once again led me to question, how much am I truly worthed? I feel utterly like the worst set of atoms on the face of earth. I hate Sae.

Wingless, and unable to fly.

Strength in Weakness

2008-05-07T23:04:00.000-07:00

She's lost weight again, regrettably. I guess as time goes by, her body will start rejecting food more and more and I'm always trying my best to get the best food for her regardless of the distance or difficulty, just so it might be easier for her to eat. Colon cancer - what a good way to lose weight. Isn't that what I'm obsessed about along, morbidly?

Yet however difficult or uncomfortable it is for her to eat, she's making an effort to eat - because she knows she needs too. Even when her body's working against her, she's adamant on living and loving her grandchildren. Maybe she eats little, but at least she tries to eat because she knows she has to take medication. Even at such old age, she is as fiesty and responsible as she always is. Though it means that she wouldn't show her pain and cling on to her pride - expressing her uncomfort only through temperamentalism. She's so strong, I don't even know when is she in pain and when she isn't. And it's not often you can see someone, especially a woman, embrace the notion of death so readily. She knows she's dying, but she isn't scared - that, is my grandmother.

In case many of you are wondering over my blog address, flyinwingless. I chose the name simply because even though I might not have the wings, I can fly(okay, I can imagine you in your mind going - O.o?). I feel like a bird. Birds are universally known creatures who can fly at will - this, everyone knows, even babies. And there was once Jasen spoke to us, the band committee about actually not doing our best using the metaphor of wings. He said in these exact words, "you all have the wings, but you just choose not to fly." And that inspired me deep. So I thought about myself, my life, my studies and all. I realize that I don't really possess much aptitude or any significant qualities. I want to fly, but I don't have the wings. Just like my grandmother, her wings are wounded, but she still wants to fly. Therefore, I believe that I can fly, with or without wings. As long as I desire to fly, and work towards it, I can still fly because I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me :] And that, however hopeless I may be, without wings and all, I still can fly - just like a bird. Therefore, flying wingless. This is just the idea behind it, I'll dedicate a more elaborate post next time. Right now, my grandmother is just like my blog's name, flying without wings.

And I'm constantly contemplating, how am I going to fight on in her later stages. Right now, even when she doesn't show her pain, I'm feeling it myself. The stronger she seems, the more painful I feel. I don't know how much I can handle. All I know is that I've already proclaimed that I shall not ask for lighter burdens, only stronger shoulders to carry this burdens. So come what may, I'll keep believing and fighting. Because ultimately, I know that even when my grandma is weak, she wants to see me strong. And I already presented in english class about death being not an end, but a beginning of an eternal legacy that is going to exist in the hearts of people she impacted significantly. It's emotionally-draining, but it's making me emotionally stronger as well.

A person is strongest when he is in his weakest.
What doesn't kill you, only makes you stronger.

How Ludicrous

2008-05-07T04:53:00.000-07:00

I could actually complete my physics! :D

I never ever thought I could do science. Chemistry and physics. Yet... for this examination, I felt this quiet confidence I've never felt before in doing science - I was hopeful. And that is almost ethereal, that I no longer felt such hopeless a person. I guess this examinations proved that I actually can study if I really want to. It was just about practicing and learning to like the subject. I never thought I'd like any of these subjects. Strangely, I'm rather obsessed with them now. Could there be anything more miraculous than this? Well, at least I thought I can survive with this examination - all my subjects except for principles of accounts, of which I totally have no idea of how to get about doing it.

I guess my class is going start having a mockfest about my failure and incompetency as I sink my head, glancing the floor once again and Mr Goh is probably going to be mad at me and himself as well - which evokes a guilt so unbearable I might even call excruciating. Talk about ludicrousity. Because Sae Seah Chun Heng, number 27 of class secondary 4 express, is the only person in the principles of accounts class to fail the subject! Start gawking all you want(*buries my head into the ground.*)

Been moody these days. I guess males suffer from PMS as well :/

Someone please help stop these mood swings.

Loss

2008-05-06T02:16:00.000-07:00

It's been some time. Someone whom I cherish dearly seems to be drifting apart further and further from me. I don't know, it's so different now. Like, when we speak, it's becoming more and more distant. Because I was afraid you'd find me irritating, I became more and more mindful of my speech and actions, just so you wouldn't hate me one day. But because of that, it seems like we're just, no longer friends. You seem to just, treat me like a person whom you see on a daily basis. Like someone whom just happens to be in your class - just someone. I don't know, all I know is, throughout the whole period, I felt lost. Like, I've just lost someone extremely precious. Someone whom I'm reliant on for security. You're one of my only few friends, please don't tell me you hate me. I don't know, but I think you hate me now. I guess maybe I'm just a really fat, disgusting and ugly person that you'd rather not know. Yeah, maybe I'm just truly unworthy. You don't deserve to have such worthless person appear in your life. Sorry if I've been a pain in the ass, I should've just left you alone. I don't deserve anybody's support after all.

And, I miss band as well.

I need...

2008-05-05T07:08:00.000-07:00

Rhinoplasty, blapheroplasty and liposuction :D

Exams - maybe not such a bad thing after all

2008-05-05T02:15:00.000-07:00

I was in one of those random moods of contemplation and reflection today after exam whilst jogging in the stadium today. And I was thinking about my exams, and everything that came along with it. Yesterday night, as well as this morning during the papers - I felt so unhappy doing my exams, especially my principles of accounts, simply because it was so difficult I felt like crying. Dang, that was unmanly. But nevertheless, I felt like throwing the towel and getting on with it. I couldn't understand what I was working so hard for that made me feel so tensed up everyday - was it worthed it?

Studying has never been my forte, and I'm not proud of it. Deep inside, I've always got desires and fantasies. In my day dreams, I would be imagining myself in the best classes, doing the best work and being the smartest in class. That I wouldn't feel stupid and insecure or ugly like how I always feel. Speaking of which, the terrifying feeling of insecurity is creeping up and haunting me all over again, I think I'm becoming fatter day by day and I might go crazy one day. I feel like wearing a jacket to cover it all up and feel safer but alas, the school is such restrictive ground. Back to topic - the reason I'm actually able to scrape through to upper secondary in express stream is probably due to english, literature, art and humanities. And so, I began to keep asking myself, what am I fighting so hard for? Why are you running alongside those people? Don't you know how stupid you are?

That is when I realized, this exam isn't just a random two weeks of personal evaluation on the academics - but a process of self discovery.

These 2 weeks are valuable I tell you. Not only did I managed to study with much more focus, I discovered things that became totally significant to me, when they weren't in the past. For this exam, I've moved to my grandmother's place and this has caused me to spent much significant time with my grandmother. Like I've said in my earlier posts, every second no longer feels wasted simply because I get to appreciate that totally gorgeous lady for as long as she lives. She like a lotus, ever beautiful and graceful, yet you never know when it withers. And because of this exam, I'm able to spend much more time with my grandma and forge deeper bonds within us. Sometimes, love is more than words or actions. It's just about being together, simple yet significant. And that you realize that the deepest sophistication is in the simplest things after all. Being sophisticated isn't about being complicated, it's about understanding and seeing through the exterior. I don't need to bring my grandmother to the ends of the earth or show her the seven wonders of the world to have her understand my love or create stronger bonds. The happiness of love isn't by the lavishness of it, but by the simplicity of being able to enjoy it - to me, that is of deeper sophistication than the most complex theories of Einstein. Just to sit juxtapose to her, no need for words or hugs, and enjoy her whilst she's alive. I think it's one of the happiest moments I've felt in the whole of my life. Because the value of everything seems so amplified when they become limited, isn't it?

And also, because of exams, I've discovered the power and encouragement of friendship. Back then, when I was still struggling with loneliness - everything was bleak. There weren't meaning. Through this exam, I've got to know Kim a lot deeper. How she feels and who she really is. She keeps me going and studying no longer seem to be so much a chore when we're be sms-ing while studying at the same time. I no longer felt like I was alone. It could be a simple message, but again, the most sophisticated friendship is expressed by the simplicity of the words. If you truly know someone well, you understand what he or she is trying to say even with the most terse and simple answers that others might ask for elaboration. I think that's what friendship is all about, being able to understand each other without needing to verbalize it. The simplicity of the friendship, and the simplicity of our feelings. That's what's valuable.

I remember how I used to speak to her in secondary 2 when she's just transferred over from the Philipines. It felt different, like I was just speaking to another person. Slowly, as she became less awkward amongst us, and made more friends. She started shedding off her masks and show the world more and more different colours of her personality. And as we transited into the upper secondary, through Jeanette and friends, I've got to know her much better and those colours added more colour into my life. Thank you Kim, you gave me colours! Through watching American Idol and simple habits like sms, we've became close friends in less than two weeks! How can we ever deny that God is great? I think He uncovers the most unexpected beauties in the ugliest moments. Like a diamond, you only realize it's beauty when you polish that insignificant piece of carbon. And that's how God works, He puts you in the most difficult situation and have you tried and tested. You lament about how unfair it might be but humans always tend to neglect the beautiful things they've uncovered. You only realize how strong you've grown and how things are valuable after the ordeal is over. Therefore, I'm thankful for the exam - through it, I've found the most beautiful things money can't buy.

And honestly, there are so much more beautiful things I can talk about for the rest of my life in this blog. Like how thankful I am for my friends, how grateful I am for them lifting of me out of loneliness, how lovely my family really is compared to how I use to feel about them and so on, so forth. Yes, this post might be long and tiresome to read, but I don't really care either. Because I only want to retain these beautiful memories while I still can - I don't want to wait until I'm left with nothing before I lament about all these times I did not appreciate.

I thank you for reading this as well, and that I want to tell you, regardless of who you are, I love you. I love you simply because you exist and because you add colour to the world. I love you because you show me how beautiful God's creation can be. I love you even though I might not know you because you've given me a chance to add more colour into my life by starting to know you.

I might be over-using the three words, I don't care. All I know is that I'm sincere in what I say and I want to tell my loved ones again, I love you.

In conclusion : I love exams(laughs at the paradoxes of life, haha).

P/S : Kim, here's the post in dedication to you! And I love you, sister!

Hopelessness

2008-05-03T23:52:00.000-07:00

I've spent like and hour and a half "studying" principle of accounts, copying everything from the "O" level guide books and stuff. And you know what, I don't know what was I even doing. Talking about stupidity. It seemed all like a pure waste of time and that I've learnt nothing. I am officially deemed hopeless.

Now I'm just shifting all my attention to biology. Since I might not be able to survive my accounts, I might as well pay more attention to my sciences - they stand much higher chance of passing. In fact, ironically, I'm actually shifting all my attention to the math and sciences. Never expected such a day to come. So for L1R5, I'm probably going for english, chinese, math, science, biology and humanities. I'm walking on thin line, I know. Either I make it or I kill myself. Therefore for June's intensive coaching, I'm going to be giving my all - or so I think :3

Sigh, is there anybody in this world dumber than Sae? God, I'm probably the worst student GYSS ever had in their history of students taking principles of accounts. I should die or something, ARGGGGHH.

oh happy day

2008-05-03T07:25:00.000-07:00

Hey, you know what? Today is officially the happiest day I ever had in the month of May! Yes, I said I am so happy!(dawg, it sounds pretty primary school but you can replace it with ecstatic if you want). Anyway, it was supposed to be an early Mother's Day celebration with dearest Mdm Toh Ah Eng, a.k.a, my gorgeous grandmother. Yes, you heard right, the most beloved matriach in the whole family who single-handedly brought up 8 successful children since the death of her husband when my youngest uncle was at the tender age of 5.

Through today, I've got to know my cousins much better. And you know, we had one of these rare moments where we could actually sit down and just chat the night away with no worries whatsoever. And through that we've felt like real cousins, not just people with the same surnames but real cousins. Got to know Benedict - great, great dude I tell you. So fly I'm high. Though his 21, he's in the same wavelengths(lambda, ftw :/) as Zoe, Clare and I(whom my family calls by my chinese name Chun Heng, they don't like my Thai name - Sae. Again, :/). It felt so meow, I flew! And he taught me to own that spider web thing you find in the playground. And he sings as well - and it's probably one of those rare people who might be deaf(no offense) that says I can sing(o.o).

Before this, we would only see each other during chinese new year celebrations and we'd feel like absolute strangers. Yeah, regrettably, we don't even say "hi." Now it's like, "we're-crankin'-y'all!" Okay, I do not understand my sudden ghetto-ness as well, but anyway - I'm happy!(I guess that's all I can say x3)

I thank dearest Father in heaven once again for blessing me with such wonderful family! Yeah, maybe I feel horrible sometimes, and at times I felt hurt and offended but nevertheless, I cannot deny the unity so unlackadaisical in this family in comparison to many others out there. It one of those moments that make me feel proud that my surname is "Seah." Holey Moley, I'm anticipating next friday. Not just because my exams would be over and I would go on a expenditure bombardment. But because I'm meeting these people again! Hallelufly :3

In conclusion, like any other "episodes." I need to emphasize,
to all loved ones - I love you :]

Hold ctrl and press "+" if you can't see the words

2008-05-02T19:12:00.001-07:00

Ohaiyo, mina-san!

Ah! Refreshed and just woke up, and I being a pig again by waking up at 10am :/
Anyway, yesterday was a random day, after a good night's sleep, it's time to get kicking with life again!

Again, I repeat, hold ctrl and press "+" if you can't see the words. I'm terribly sorry for how small the words are, but it's for personal aesthetic likings x3
yes, I'm lame and stupid.

But anyway, happy morning!
To all the loved ones, I love you :3

Loss, Dilema.

2008-05-02T08:20:00.000-07:00

It sounds stupid to have 3 consecutive posts in one day. But I'm getting addicted. Or rather, I just need an outlet. Sorry for sounding so solemn today, it's just been a heavy day for me.

Had been talking for some time with my aunt, felt like crying but held back my tears, because I know shedding any won't do any good or solve anything. It's been some time since my mom had went to work and my dad has been emotionally unstable. I was sharing about how I felt much more at home with my grandma in her house compared to a home that looks like a junkyard. I realized I do feel pressured up bottling up so many things in my heart for so long. But I know I need to move on and not lament about all these. Probably no one in this world knows my background, it's crazy and I'm not proud of it. Neither is my past, nor the things I've done - they are not things I'm proud of.

Furthermore, I'm staying with my grandma because I really want to stay with her, for as long as I can - I don't have much time left. For now, it's okay because she hasn't felt the cancer kick in yet, and life feels like normal. Everyday, I get increasingly attached to her, so old, yet adorable and lively - and selfless. I'm afraid it would be eventually very difficult for me to fight alongside with her when she's in her later stages. Honestly, my grandma is the strongest person on earth. And I never felt so happy simply looking at a person, just because she exists. I think a second lived and a second cherished is totally two different thing. When each second is cherished, it is worth much more than hours of other issues you might be going through. And I need to always remind myself not to waste my time, because every minute of sadness is a 60 seconds of happiness wasted, in which could be used much more effectively.

And ever since my mother went to work, I feel like I've lost her. I feel totally like an ingrate for saying that, because ultimately my mother's love for me never faltered, and she honestly loves me. It's just that, the way she's changed, the way she's living her life... the job she's doing and all. The time she comes home is when I'm sleeping, the time I leave home is when she's sleeping. She feels like, a stranger now. And I totally hate myself for feeling so, because she loves me, but the love I always felt for her, I don't know where is it. But I miss my mother, I really do. I just, do not know how to react. And because of these, sometimes I get emotionally overwhelmed, and it makes me temperamental and I say things that hurt people, especially my sister whom has to put up with me for so long and get injured so much. I feel like a horrible person, someone whose responsible to be both a brother and parent, yet someone who has tried to cut off ties with the family.

And my father, though I do feel hurt sometimes by him - and that our relationship is almost like strangers, I truly empathize with him. And at times, I really, really hate him! But yet, I understand that his facing tremendous amount of stress and pressure and his a really good and responsible father. His just a man, burdened upon the world, yet sincerely in his heart just wish for the good of his family. I feel like being a good son, but many times, I find it hard to neglect certain things he do that hurt me and my mom. I'm torn in a dilemma between my father and my mother and I feel totally helpless. Yet I know that I am already 16 and I'm supposed to move on and live my own life because after all, I'm responsible for my own life now and though totally irresponsible, I've in a way, walked out of my family already. I just feel haunted sometimes, to imagine what my sister is going through. The kind of person she's becoming and the attitude she's developing, I find it hard to communicate with her.

I'm terribly sorry for this totally random rant, as I said, I just needed an outlet.
And I must understand that no amount of ranting can help with anything. I've the power to make decisions on my own life and I have the ability to change things. I have to take control, even though it's increasing hard to live life and shoulder more burdens, but all humans share their own share of problems too, even if you don't move on, the world moves on. And I do not have any time to waste and not move on. So therefore, once again, I'll soldier on - though things are tough, the memory of my loved ones toughens my mind.

I do not ask for lighter burdens, I just ask for stronger shoulders.

I love you, my loved ones, your existences in my life suffices all I ever need.
My friends, my grandmother, my Father up there - thank you.

R.I.P, Miss Tay

2008-05-02T07:09:00.001-07:00

And also,

Dearest Miss Tay,
Though the times I've spent with you were few
and for only a year I could remember you.
I was a child and you were my teacher,
we were a nuisance but you were so patient.
You taught us our school song,
you voice resound in tingles.
Though your time here is short,
but your legacy lives long.
What's material dies one day,
but the immaterial memories you left behind never dies.
I may not know you well,
and I may not have too many memories with you,
but all I can ever remember is your night tingale voice
and your ever demure demeanour.

Rest In Peace, Dearest Miss Tay,
for nothing can ever rob me of the times we've spent,
for the whole of secondary one I've lived.
It is eternally a memory, that
neither death, nor time can steal.

See you one day, where we can spend eternally happy days.
Thank you for being a teacher,
thank you for existing,
thank you for being a creation of God.

Yet again, I silently feel happy that you've gone to a better place,
where pain and sadness exists no more.

See you soon.

Surprise, Surprise

2008-05-02T05:07:00.000-07:00

You know what? I'm elated!

Never in my whole life have I expected myself to be able to like, do chemistry! Other than principles of accounts, chemistry is my worst subject! And just when I thought about my hopelessness and stupidity, I actually could do the questions in the paper!

No guaranteed passes, or ace. But I know it truly is a personal breakthrough! And not only chemistry could be done, english was of a standard I can cope with as well! Probably because it was of a topic I could very much relate to? I don't know. But I'm starting to feel like, studying, DOES pay off and it inspires and motivates me to study harder.

But alas, always the habitual procrastinator, I'm afraid that malignant habit would start haunting me again, clinging on to me like a parasite. Next up, biology and principle of accounts. Now, principle of accounts is to everyone's knowledge, what I'm terribly and regrettably infamous for. I'm the black sheep who caused the class mean to drop, the stupid retard that failed even under the guidance of the very good mentor, Mr Samuel Goh. I don't know if I can do it, I bought "O" level notes and stuff, but I can understand nothing. Once again, I feel utterly moronic and I think I belong to a special school instead. Nevertheless, I would want to try again, and be hopeful I can do the paper.

I prayed hard during cell group meeting, in my prayer questioning again and again if it ever is possible for me to experience a miracle in principles of accounts. Honestly, even though I know it's very bleak and hopeless but if God could revive chemistry for me, why can't He do the same for accounts as well? At the same time, I truly hope to manage AT LEAST a pass for all my subjects in this mid-year exam. Because I've spent truly gargantuan effort and though I won't be surprise of failures, I know at least I've done my best and these few months to "O" levels, I must not disappoint anyone no longer.

My grandmother has only this amount of time to live, my future is fragile but hopeful, Miss Aljunied has cared and sacrificed tremendously for me, my father has always been agitated because of my stupid actions and my mother had shed countless tears for me. If I do not do my best, I think I'm being very selfish and unfair, not just to these people and to God, but to myself as well.

Honestly, this post could be simply the manifestation of a sudden burst of motivation, nevertheless, I really pray hard that this can last and that I will do better and harder. I'm so surprised I could do my chemistry. I am not sure about the fate of this paper, but I'm hopeful. And it's that hope that keeps me going. Thanks Jeanette and Kim for constantly encouraging me and fighting alongside with me throughout this whole arduous journey. But I know that however tough this may be, I'm tougher, because I've got Jesus.

Sorry for sounding a little religious, but it's allowing me to fight on hard. I do not know how long can this optimism last, but I honestly hope to do well and even if I fail, I'm glad to know I've done my best. Maybe I might break down like I did last year, or maybe I might cry, with joy, for a change. I don't know. But I sure wish the latter would happen - though hope is frail, it's hard to kill.

And again, to all my loved ones, I love you.

Epic Failure

2008-05-01T06:53:00.001-07:00

I am so, so, so prepared to fail chemistry.
Like, FAIL BADLY.

Spent the whole night "studying" and "practicing" chemistry and the TYS.
Spent 3 hours doing things that I did not know what I was doing. Feel totally dumb and worthless as I always am. Ahhhhhh! How I wish I could turn back time and start all over from secondary 3. I hate myself.

Been trying so hard to catch up, I hope they test on stuffs like acids, bases and salts and mole concept. Argh, I don't hate chemistry, it is not the subject's problem, it's my fault and problem for being stupid and not paying attention all the time(or rather, I couldn't understand anything, that's why I couldn't pay attention).

I should die.
besides, ACJC, how?

I AM SO FREAKING STUPID I SHOULD DIE!

Dreaming a Dream in my Dream

2008-04-30T19:40:00.000-07:00

Ohaiyo, mina-san!

It's been like, centuries since I manage to sleep late and wake up late as well. It's like, about 11am right now and I just woke up(God, I'm such a pig). But nevertheless, it's certainly a pleasant thing labour day falls mid-exams, or you would've seen Sae look like an obese zombie.

Had a really, really weird dream last night. I dreamt that I was dreaming another dream. Yes, when I "woke up" from the dream I was dreaming in my dream, I asked people around me if I was dreaming, then they said no, as I saw them in the dream that I was dreaming in my dream. Finally I woke up and I realized I was dreaming, my dream's dream. Sounds totally insane. I shall not elaborate on the details of the dream because it was rather personal, I actually dreamt about being back in my home country and meeting people :/

And, it's like the fourth maid my grandma has now since last year. First one sent back for being too sickly, second one simply because grandma doesn't like her(but everyone got real attached to her). Third one for being er, stupid and forgetful(or so they say). And currently the new one seems pretty good so far, reminds us of the second one. Sometimes I honestly question is it the quality of the maid that is the issue, or is it the overly-judgemental attitude my family has? If I were in their shoes, I wouldn't change at all because I'm thankful to have people actually cleaning up the house and acting like an obedient servant who does all the chores that many people refuse to. My family is constantly in look out for bad traits of the maid, anything negative and they are blinded by it, regardless of what strengths the maid has. I personally thought it isn't just my family, many other people, in the world. What is it that makes them happy?

Sometimes we have more than enough to be happy with, yet once little issues pop up, life is all rotten roses and tears, simply because the other happiness they have in life seem so insignificant already. I believe it is not because life is sad that we are unhappy, it's because we neglect the happiness that life is sad. Why let unhappy issues take control of your life? It is your life, you live in - not anybody else. So maybe, happiness is really just a decision.

Yesterday night, I was on the way the Junction 8 from my grandma's place when I sms-ed Jeanette. I said, "Hey! There are stars tonight!" And to my surprise, Jeanette actually ran down her house to look the stars! That silly mama, but I can understand, stars are really that so common in Singapore. I asked her why and she said because stars are really gorgeous, the way they shine. That was when I thought about Thailand, where you see stars in seas, literally. I do not know why, but throughout the whole trip to buy supper back for grandma, I kept thinking about stars, why is it that in Thailand they aren't such a big deal while it is in Singapore. When there are too many stars, it becomes insignificant, nothing particularly stands out, it's just, beautiful. But in Singapore, the stars become really significant, because there are only a few, but that only makes them appear even brighter. However, when it rains, stars become rare. And I was thinking, when a person has a few friends in life, they become really significant, simply because you cherish them a lot. But when one has more and more friends, like the stars, does those whom you cherished lose their significance? People tend to forget about those that really cared, because they don't stand out anymore, we took them for granted. And that can be quite hurtful to them as well. You don't realize it until it rains, where only a few stars remain shining on for you. All your "friends" leave when problem comes. The world can laugh together with you, but few would stay and cry with you.

Oh dang! Meows x3 I thought I'm going to write random short posts but alas, that was not to be! So sorry! I guess I got pretty carried away. So well, yesterdays revelation has taken me a step further to understand the importance of these people in my life. To all, I love you.

Happiness!

2008-04-30T02:37:00.000-07:00

Oh! And, and, and, I feel so happy!
Because my loved ones whom I gave the cookies said that they were nice!
Even the most "Simon-Cowell-y" one :3

Meows! Feeling the appreciations.

Mom, Let's Run Through the Rain

2008-04-30T02:08:00.000-07:00

She had been shopping with her Mom in Wal-Mart. She must have been 6 years old, this beautiful red haired, freckle faced image of innocence. It was pouring outside. The kind of rain that gushes over the top of rain gutters, so much in a hurry to hit the earth it has no time to flow down the spout. We all stood there under the awning and just inside the door of the Wal-Mart. We waited, some patiently, others irritated because nature messed up their hurried day. I am always mesmerized by rainfall. I got lost in the sound and sight of the heavens washing away the dirt and dust of the world. Memories were a welcome reprieve from the worries of my day.

Her voice was so sweet as it broke the hypnotic trance we were all caught in, "Mom, let's run through the rain," she said. "What?" Mom asked. "Let's run through the rain!" She repeated. "No, honey. We'll wait until it slows down a bit," Mom replied. This young child waited about another minute and repeated: "Mom, let's run through the rain." "We'll get soaked if we do," Mom said. "No, we won't, Mom. That's not what you said this morning," the young girl said as she tugged at her Mom's arm.

"This morning? When did I say we could run through the rain and not get wet?" "Don't you remember? When you were talking to Daddy about his cancer, you said, 'If God can get us through this, he can get us through anything!" The entire crowd stopped dead silent. I swear you couldn't hear anything but the rain. We all stood silently. No one came or left in the next few minutes.

Mom paused and thought for a moment about what she would say. Now some would laugh it off and scold her for being silly. Some might even ignore what was said. But this was a moment of affirmation in a young child's life. A time when innocent trust can be nurtured so that it will bloom into faith. "Honey, you are absolutely right. Let's run through the rain. If God let's us get wet, well maybe we just needed washing," Mom said. Then off they ran. We all stood watching, smiling and laughing as they darted past the cars and yes, through the puddles. They held their shopping bags over their heads just in case. They got soaked. But they were followed by a few who screamed and laughed like children all the way to their cars. And yes, I did. I ran. I got wet. I needed washing.

Circumstances or people can take away your material possessions, they can take away your money, and they can take away your health. But no one can ever take away your precious memories...So, don't forget to make time and take the opportunities to make memories everyday. To everything there is a season and a time to every purpose under heaven. I hope you still take the time to run through the rain.They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them, but then an entire life to forget them.

Cherish your loved ones, you never know when you might be seeing them for the last time.